Hạnh phúc nhất của tôi là mỗi đêm được nhìn thấy mấy đứa con an giấc. Trái lại với những giây phút chúng nó sống động, được nghe từng hơi thở nhẹ nhàng trong giấc mộng của nó thấy lòng mình ấm áp.

Đạo thích được ba ôm và vuốt lưng. Đạo hứa sẽ ngủ với ba đến suốt đời nhưng khi Vương chào đời thì Xuân phải ngủ với ba. Thế là Đạo với bà ngoại. Tội Xuân lắm. Lúc chưa có em Xuân chỉ ngủ với mẹ và được bú lúc trước khi ngủ và trước khi thức dậy. Chúng tôi cũng lo ngại không biết chừng nào Xuân mới chịu bỏ vú. Thế nhưng khi có em, Xuân nhường mẹ là cho em và bỏ vú luôn. Xuân chỉ ngủ với ba.

Đán là được ôm ít nhất. Lúc trước Đán thích ngủ với bà ngoại. Giờ đây Đạo dành bà ngoại nên Đán ngủ với bà và Xuân. Xuân không chịu chia sẻ ba với anh nên Đán ngủ một cùng cả chục chiếc gối. Khi Xuân ngủ yên rồi thì tôi cũng đổi sang ôm thằng con to lớn.

Đêm qua Xuân không thèm ngủ. Cứ nằm ca hết “ABC” đến “Old McDonald” đến “Quăng tao cái boong.” Tôi bảo thôi con ngủ đi thì nó lại nằm lên người tôi và nói, “I love you, daddy.” Rồi ca tiếp, “I am crazy about you. I am crazy about you.” Đến gần 11 giờ khuya mới ngủ. Sáng đi đến nhà trẻ thì than, “Daddy, I am too sleepy.”

Người ta bảo phải tập cho con ngủ riêng nhưng tôi chúng tôi cũng chẳng nghe theo. Buổi sáng con đi học ba mẹ đi làm. Chiều về chỉ còn được vài tiếng ăn ngủ nên không đủ nhiều thời gian với tụi nó. Thôi thì ngủ chung cũng là cách được bên nhau. Sau này không có tụi nó bên cạnh chắc chắn là nhớ lắm.

Tới lúc đó hai khỉ già có còn tái ngộ hay không. Hay khỉ cái vẫn chê khỉ đực ngáy to quá nên cho khỉ đực ra rìa luôn. Lúc đó thì chắc phải tự ru mình với nhạc phẩm “Đời tôi cô đơn.”

Nellie Bowles published three articles in The New York Times on kids and screen time that are worth reading.

Bowles on “A Dark Consensus About Screens and Kids Begins to Emerge in Silicon Valley”:

A wariness that has been slowly brewing is turning into a regionwide consensus: The benefits of screens as a learning tool are overblown, and the risks for addiction and stunting development seem high. The debate in Silicon Valley now is about how much exposure to phones is O.K.

Even though we are limiting screen time to weekends only, Đạo (nine years old) and Đán (six years old) are quite addictive. Đán is still struggling with turning it off when time is up. He is so fearful of being banned from the iPad; therefore, I am using it as a form of punishment when he misbehaves. I am tired of yelling at him and I don’t want to spank him. The only way he would listen is to ban him from his iPad. It is terrible, but it works for now. On weekends, they get 3 hours the most each day because most of the time we go outside unless I have to do work around the house or the rain prevents us from going outside.

Bowles on “Silicon Valley Nannies Are Phone Police for Kids”:

From Cupertino to San Francisco, a growing consensus has emerged that screen time is bad for kids. It follows that these parents are now asking nannies to keep phones, tablets, computers and TVs off and hidden at all times. Some are even producing no-phone contracts, which guarantee zero unauthorized screen exposure, for their nannies to sign.

We need a similar contract with our family as well. When we get together, all digital devices should be put away. Sure, I don’t have to give my kids iPads, but then they would hover around kids that have them. Most of our vacations together always ended up in screen time rather than family time.

Bowles on “The Digital Gap Between Rich and Poor Kids Is Not What We Expected”:

Lower-income teenagers spend an average of eight hours and seven minutes a day using screens for entertainment, while higher income peers spend five hours and 42 minutes, according to research by Common Sense Media, a nonprofit media watchdog. (This study counted each screen separately, so a child texting on a phone and watching TV for one hour counted as two hours of screens being used.) Two studies that look at race have found that white children are exposed to screens significantly less than African-American and Hispanic children.

Why didn’t the studies look at Asian children? I am sure Asian kids, Vietnamese in particular, are exposed to screens even more than African-American and Hispanic children.

Honor Jones writes in The New York Times:

You’re fully conscious, but nothing hurts. You might as well not have legs for all you can feel them. A sheet hangs from the ceiling, covering everything from your chest down.

But while I was removed from the pain, I wasn’t removed from the experience. If you believe people have souls, a C-section is probably good preparation for the afterlife. Your body is completely out of your control, but you are not your body.

Your partner holds one arm down. A nurse or maybe the anesthesiologist — some stranger toward whom you feel a desperate sense of gratitude — holds the other. After digging around your organs for a while, the doctor says from behind the sheet, “Now I’m going to apply some pressure.” And then suddenly there is another person in the room and both you and your baby gasp the new air and begin to sob.

I was holding my wife’s hand as well until I got blacked out.

I am embarrassed to say that I have put off replacing our bathroom exhaust fan for almost 10 years. The previous one made loud screeching noise, but I was not confident to do it. In the past few days, it bothered me enough to look up YouTube and tried to replace it. To my amazement, replacing the fan motor took 10 minutes. All I had to do was unplugged and popped out the out motor and put the new one in. I am beating myself up for being such a sucker.

Nutone Fan Motor Assembly cost $15.

Nowadays the cost of maintaining your cars and house are ridiculously high. Fixing your car according to the technician’s recommendations can easily cost thousands of dollars. We recently had plumbing and electrical inspections, as part of the annual service plan, and the recommendations were about 10 grants. They either think we’re millionaire or we just have money raining from the sky.

Of course, we did not follow any of its recommendation. If the pipe bursts, we know where to shut off the water. If a toilet licks, we can throw in a new toilet. If a light switch goes bad, we can replace it. I am not oppose to hire a professional to do some of the work, but changing a toilet costs almost $800. How fucking ridiculous is it? Well, if I have Jay Z money, I wouldn’t care, but I only make enough to raise my family.

My wife said I am being stingy about those things, yet I am willing spend $50 to $100 every time I take my kids out to eat. First of all, $50 to $100 is nothing compared to thousands. Second of all, I do not feed my kids fast food. We go for Japanese, Korean, and Vietnamese. Third of all, those are times well-spent with the kids. Sure, we go out a couple times a week, but it is all good. My mom used to raise me that way. When it came to food, she never not willing to spend.

Voting used to be harder. I had to do my research to find out which candidates to vote for. I had to choose Republicans or Democrats whose policies matched mines. For example, I am conservative on taxation and liberal on abortion.

Nowadays voting is much easier because Republicans only care about their own party. Most of them bowed down to Trump even though he mocked them, called them names, and offended their love ones. These spineless leaders don’t care about the people. They just care about their own political career. They have sold their own soul and dignity. They betrayed their country and stayed loyal to Trump even if they hate his ass. I have never seen a bunch of cowards with loud mouths but soft as a cluster of grapes.

On November 6, I’ll just vote straight Democrats. Even though I disagree with some of their policies, they still have some self-respect. It is such a damn shame that one of the major political parties is captive and gutless.

Katharine Q. Seelye writes in the New York Times:

Todd Bol was simply paying homage to his mother, a schoolteacher and lover of books. He built a doll-sized schoolhouse, filled it with his mother’s books and put it out for his neighbors in Hudson, Wis., as a book exchange.

Today, just nine years later, more than 75,000 such “Little Free Libraries” dot the globe, from San Diego to Minneapolis, and from Australia to Siberia.

I have seen several of these libraries around our neighborhood.

Bị thằng anh chơi gác. Bị thằng em bắt nạt. Bị mẹ rầy. Bị ba la. Mỗi lần bảo nó tập đọc thì nó hét lên. Tôi không ép buộc nó đọc nhưng không đọc cuối tuần không được iPad. Đến bây giờ nó vẫn chưa đọc được khá. Tôi muốn buông xuôi để tự nó học nhưng không nỡ. Thấy nó bị khó khăn tôi đau xót lắm. Thôi cũng kiên nhẫn giúp đỡ cho nó. Từ từ cũng được.

Tôi không rầy la nó nữa. Và bênh vực nó nhiều hơn nhất là khi nó bị thằng Đạo và thằng Xuân ăn hiếm. Thằng Đán tính nết tốt. Nhưng cũng lì lợm lắm nên thường bị ba mẹ la. Nhẹ nhàng bảo nó đừng làm một việc gì đó như bỏ ngón tay vào miệng, nó càng làm thêm chứ không chịu lấy ra. Hai tuần trước bị nó đau bụng cả tuần vì bị viêm dạ dày ruột. Thế mà nó vẫn tiếp tục làm.

Không biết mai mốt nó sẽ ra sao nhưng nó cũng giống tôi. Chỉ làm những gì nó thích. Khi đam mê thứ gì thì bỏ hết đầu óc vào đó như bị nghiện. Sau này nó đam mê những thứ không nên đam mê chắc chết. Hy vọng bốn anh em tụi nó không lầm đường lỡ bước là tôi an tâm rồi. Không cầu mong bác sĩ kỹ sư gì cả. Dĩ nhiên được thành công thì mừng. Ít nhất cũng phải hơn cha nó.

I am a terrible human being at times. I regret the way I treat my love ones as well as the people around me. I am trying to be a better person and to set a good example for my kids. I don’t always look at things with a clear head. I have my flaws and my vulnerabilities. I still have trouble controlling my emotion.

I am not anti-social. I just don’t want to get to close to people, which will end up hurting me or hurting them. I try to calm myself, but the more dramas build up the more distress I get. I am learning to let go of the past because I can’t change it. I need to change for the present and the future.

I don’t want to overthink anymore. I am trying not to hold grudges. I just need to move forward. I just need to get myself together. I need to breath and just to live. Fuck you, emotion. I can’t let you ruin my life. I am better than this.

No one wants to admit that he is a horrible person because recognizing it is hard. I wish I don’t, but I do. At times I just feel like I just want to shut out everything and crawl into my own rock. I can’t. I still have a lot of responsibilities. I have kids who are still depending on me.

If I did you wrong, I apologize. I have changed and I am always changing. If you think I don’t like you please talk to me. I am sure that’s not the case. I do care. I am a human. I have a heart. I want to be kind.

Getting all of these off my chest, I am feeling better now. Thank you and have a great weekend.

The other night I stumbled across some of my nephew’s photos and video on Instagram. My fifteen-year-old nephew has grown up so fast that I could barely recognize him. He has gorgeous makeup and a style of his own. He has a talent for design and fashion. I am glad that he can use both to express himself.

When he first came up, I gave him my unconditional support. My mom and his mom are still giving me grief about it. Every time we talk, they still blame me for encouraging to “getting worse.” I understand their traditional perspective and I know that they love him with all their hearts, but I have no regret of my support. I have to explain to them again and again that he is not going to change; therefore, we must embrace him and be there for him.

My deepest concern is bullying. I was a target just being an Asian kid. I can’t even imagine what he has to go through being a gay/drag Asian kid. He has to fight a much tougher battle than I had; therefore, I understand the challenges he has to face. I hope that he will stay strong and do not let the bullies and the trash-talks get to him. He can always reach out to me. I am there for him anytime.

I used to be weak and ashamed of who I was and I was afraid of not fitting in. I am glad that my nephew can truly be himself. He is beautiful and he knows it.