On Saturday, all four of our boys wanted to have a sleepover at their cousins’ house. Ðán and his cousin stayed up until 5 am Sunday. They spent most of their time playing video games. I was horrid, but not surprised. When unsupervised, they didn’t know their limit.

At home, I would ask them to turn off their devices and take a break. If they didn’t comply, I would just shut down the entire internet. No one else seemed to be concerned about their digital addiction. Am I over-worrying?

The digital conflicts have decided us. My kids don’t want to spend time with me anymore, and Đán in particular. It hurts me, but I let them make their own choice. I don’t want to be a controlling dad.

I have been going to the skatepark by myself. Even though I am not excited about rollerbi anymore, I need to do some exercise. Xuân has not wanted to tag along. As he’s picking up swimming, he is leaving scooter behind.

As they are growing, they are dropping everything else and spending more time on their digital devices. I am hoping they will stick with the winter sports, but I doubt it. Ðán is getting bored with snowboarding. We used to pay thousands and thousands of dollars for our seasonal passes until I became a snowboarding instructor last year. My pass was free and my family’s passes were almost free. Since they are no longer obligated to go, they will be less likely to go.

It’s a shame that they are taking their privileges for granted. Not too many kids get the opportunity they do. Of course, I loved for them to go. I always had a great time skiing or snowboarding with them, but I wouldn’t feel so bad if they didn’t want to take advantage of the passes I made available to them. Even all of our gears were new. I tuned and waxed them regularly so we could have a wonderful experience on the snow.

My wife always chastises me for making them do things that I wanted to do—going to the skateparks or the ski resorts. She and the kids got me into these sports in the first place. As they got bored and moved on, I just haven’t quit.

I have become an uncool dad for not allowing them to stay on their devices for as long as they wanted. My kids don’t want to hang out with me. That’s OK. I am their dad, not their peers. I am always here and I would do anything with them with the exception of spending hours and hours in front of the screens.

Đán and Xuân are crushing it with their daily blogging. While Xuân writes about his daily routines, which involve swimming and playing video games, Đán writes what’s on his mind. I help Xuân editing his posts a bit, but I can see the improvements. I asked him to write 150 words, but he has been exceeding my expectations.

Đán’s posts are hilarious. I enjoy reading his thoughts. He just needs to slow down and edit his pieces. Even though he doesn’t see how daily blogging helps with his writing, I can see that his thoughts are clearer. He has a natural talent for anything he does. From rollerblading to snowboarding to writing, he can do anything well. The only issue is that he doesn’t have enough patience to delve deeper. Perhaps ADHD has something to do with it?

Đạo hasn’t posted anything since Monday because I confiscated his laptop and smartphones for disrespectful attitude. I am not going to tolerate that kind of behavior. He is not my peer. He is not my sibling. I am his father and he needs to get that straight. It has nothing to do with favoritism. It has nothing to do with egotism. Until he learns his lesson, I will not cave in.

After watching all the seasons of Cobra Kai, Xuân wants to take up karate. I let him try out Vovinam last Sunday and he seemed to want to go for it. Xuân is athletic and when he commits to something he will stick with it.

Now that he’s taking summer break from school, he swims every morning and competes every Saturday and Monday. He wants to take up Vovinam on Sunday too. Even after swimming, he wants me to take him to the skatepark so he can ride his scooter. My rollerblade skills are stagnant, but his riding skills continue to progress. He keeps trying out and picking up new tricks. I am just in awe to see how much he has improved.

In the winter, we both skied and snowboarded. He picked up snowboarding fast. Last season alone, he progressed from the green trails to the double-black terrains. He might drop skiing and just stick with snowboarding, but I encouraged him to stay with both. We’ll see.

He still takes piano lesson every Wednesday. After the lesson, we would hit the skatepark for an hour before heading home. Xuân and I do many things together. He keeps my old-ass active and I appreciate him for that.

His older brothers think I am favoring him, but I am not. My invitation is always open for them to hang out with us, but they rather spend time on their digital devices. I cannot force them to do things they don’t want to do. The days of all of us hanging out together were long gone. Of course, I missed those days, but I had come to term that not everyone had the same interests.

While excelling at physical activities, Xuân needs help with his academics. Then again, he listens to me when I ask him to blog everyday during the summer to practice his writing. He is doing it. I will also need to help him with reading as well. If he is willing to make the commitment, I am sure he will catch up quickly.

My oldest son chastised me for making him write 500 words a day during the summer. I believe the more you write, the better you will become. I am not asking him to become a professional writer. I just want him to practice writing as a communication tool. Furthermore, I wanted to get him into a routine and take responsibility.

Besides, he does nothing in the summer. He doesn’t want to do anything around the house. He doesn’t want to get a part-time job. He doesn’t want to volunteer. He doesn’t want to play any sports. Asking to him to help his younger brothers with reading, he gets all grumpy. Asking him to tutor them Spanish, he groaned. What does he want to do all day long? Playing video games with his friends and created some 3D graphics. Basically, he just wants to spend most of his waking hours on screen.

Writing 500 words for him takes less than an hour. He still has about 15 hours a day to play video games and doing 3D modeling and yet he doesn’t have enough. Maybe I should just limit his screen hours, but I wanted him to take the responsibility for himself. I wouldn’t ask him to write if he has something else to do other than being a screen addict.

It breaks my heart to see my kids don’t do anything else other than spending time gluing to their screens. They are wasting their time away. Maybe I don’t know how to be a father, but I don’t want to raise spoiled kids who don’t have any aspirations. At 16, he shows no sign of responsibility and independence.

He has everything provided to him. When he asked for a laptop, we gave him a laptop. When he asked for a better laptop, we gave him a better laptop. When he asked for a phone, we gave him a phone. When he asked for a better phone, we gave him a better phone. It was my fault for placing my trust in him. I thought he would do better when he has what he needs. I thought he would control himself, but he didn’t.

At times, I am so fed up that I should just let him do whatever he wants. Deep down in my heart, I care too damn much to see him ruing his life. I get nothing but hate and disrespect for loving and caring. I don’t think I am being to hard on him. In fact, I think I am fairly flexible. He can do whatever he wants as long as he does something, but spending all day on screens is not acceptable. Then again, maybe I should let him make his own decisions. I should let him live his own life and don’t even say a word. I don’t expect anything from him. I just want him to be able to stand on his own feet. If he doesn’t need my guidance, I am fine with it. If he messes up, that’s on him.

Mẹ vắng nhà. Ba áp dụng chiến thực không WiFi. Thử xem không có kỳ đà cản mũi kết quả ra sao.

Sáng sớm thứ Bảy đưa vợ ra phi trường. Trở về nhà không ngủ lại được đành đọc sách. Đến 9:30 sáng, thông báo mọi người 15 phút nữa WiFi sẽ bị cúp. Đến 10:00 giờ, hai anh lớn thay phiên nhau cắt cỏ và trim. Còn hai em nhỏ nhổ cỏ dại. Ba chỉ hướng dẫn.

Đến trưa công việc cắt cỏ cũng vừa xong. Ba đãi đi ăn trưa. Hai em nhỏ chọn gà rán Hàn Quốc Chi Mc. Chọn địa điểm gần chỗ trường vẽ để đưa Đán đi học vẽ cho tiện. Ăn uống no nê rồi bỏ Đán trước cổng trường. Buổi trưa khí hậu lên đến 90 độ F. Định đi công viên trượt thì ông bạn nhắn tin qua nhà làm vài chai bia. Trong lúc đợi Đán thôi thì qua đó uống bia cho mát.

Hai tiếng sau, rước Đán rồi đi công viên trượt luôn. Dường như có chút bia trượt hăng hái hơn. Không té là may rồi. Đến 6 giờ chiều mới về đến nhà. Ăn tối xong, mở WiFi lên lại cho cả nhà thư giãn tối thứ Bảy.

Sáng Chủ nhật không có WiFi nên bọn nhỏ ngủ trễ một chút. Khoảng 9:00 giờ sáng tất cả đã dậy. Đồ đạc cả tuần chưa xếp. Gọi hai em nhỏ phụ ba xếp. Bảo hai anh lớn lên phòng ngủ dọn dẹp lại đồ đạc bừa bộn. Đò nào không bận nữa cất vào bị. Đến 10:30 sáng mọi chuyện hoàn tất. Mở WiFi lên mọi người cùng hưởng.

Đến trưa tắt WiFi kéo cả nhà, luôn cả bà ngoại và hai thằng cháu, đi đại hội Á Châu Á (Asian Festival) ở khu downtown. Ðồ ăn thơm phức mà hàng nào cũng xếp dài thòng. Không thèm đứng xếp hàng. Kéo hết ra nhà hàng Việt ăn. Ăn xong đám nhỏ muốn uống trà sữa. Chiều luôn.

Gần 3:30 chiều, đưa bà ngoại và Đán về nhà. Ba thằng còn lại và hai thằng cháu qua nhà chị vợ chơi. Sách chai whiskey qua nhà anh bạn lai rai thư giãn chiều Chủ nhật. Đến 8:30 chiều về nhà. Ba thằng kia cũng chưa về. Đến hơn 9:00 giờ bọn nó mới về. Cho WiFi đến 10:00 giờ tối đi ngủ.

Thật ra tôi không muốn làm vậy nhưng không tắt WiFi không thằng nào chịu tắt máy. Gọi nhẹ nhàng 1, 2, 3 lần như nước đổ đầu vịt. Chả thằng nào nghe. Có WiFi nhờ làm chuyện nhà, hồn bọn nó như đang bay trên mây. Không WiFi, không nhắc nhở, không la hét, không bàn bạc.

Trong Do Thái giáo, ngày Sabát là những giây phút cuối tuần nghỉ ngơi không được dùng những dụng cụ có điện. Tôi thấy cũng hay. Cuối tuần tôi chỉ muốn không WiFi. Khổ là không thông qua được bà chủ nhà. Bà chủ nhà cần WiFi để làm việc. Lúc trước dùng software để tắt hết WiFi trừ máy của bà chủ nhà nhưng bọn nhỏ chỉ cần đổi địa chỉ IP thôi là có WiFi lại. Dùng software phiền phức lại không tác dụng. Tụi nhỏ vẫn ôm máy cả ngày.

Giờ đây chỉ cần cúp WiFi là tự động tụi nó tắt máy, đứng dậy làm việc khác. Tôi thấy chiến thuật này có hiệu quả. Đến cả người lớn, không WiFi cũng tốt. Cuộc sống không cần bất cứ lúc nào cũng phải có WiFi. Cá nhân tôi cũng phải tự cai WiFi. Người lớn mà như thế huống chi đám nhỏ.

Một trong những thất bại lớn nhất của người làm cha này là không thể hạn chế được sự dùng máy điện tử của mấy thằng con. Tim tôi nhói đau mỗi khi nhìn bọn nó đắm đuối trong thế giới mạng. Đây cũng là một trong những vấn đề mà vợ chồng xích mích nhau. Vì hai người có hai ý nghĩ khác nhau nên không thể giải quyết được vấn đề càng ngày càng tệ hại hơn.

Giờ đây đã quá muộn nhưng dù sao thì không WiFi cũng đỡ hơn một chút. Ít nhất không lúc nào cũng cắm cúi vào trong máy. Nếu như hạn chế được máy móc từ sớm thì có lẽ những sinh hoạt khác đã không bị bỏ dở. Hơi đáng tiếc là máy vi tính đã cướp đi những tiềm năng của bọn nó, luôn cả học vấn. Đương nhiên không cha mẹ nào muốn tạo áp lực cho con cái nhưng thả lỏng ra cũng chẳng đi đến đâu. Điều quan trọng là làm sao hướng dẫn bọn nó cân bằng mọi sinh hoạt.

Yesterday we attended our kids’ piano recital at their instructor’s studio, which is at the back of his house. We missed several recitals over the winter because we had skiing and snowboarding activities. The kids we started at the same time as ours and even the ones after ours had moved into classical music. Their performances were impressive.

I am not making a comparison. I am just making the realization. Xuân performed well, but he spent three months or more on one song. Đán didn’t have the courage to perform one song. He told me and his mom that he no longer wanted to perform. He just wanted to learn piano for his own enjoyment.

In the past, I told him that if he didn’t want to practice and want to perform, he should just quit and stop wasting our money. Piano private lessons aren’t cheap. Now I have come to term with it. If he doesn’t want to perform anymore, I am fine with self enjoyment over competition. My only hope is that he will continue to improve himself.

I have no expectations or dreams for my kids anymore. If they enjoy to do things with me, that’s cool. If not, I am not going to force them. I am tired of repeating myself. My words just go into one ear and right out the other. I don’t care what they do individually, but they have to participate when we do things together as a family. If we go somewhere as a family, they can’t say they don’t want to go. That’s not a choice until they move out on their own.

On Saturday, the Scout dads got together to cook crawfish, play volleyball, drink some liquor, and talk shit. Of course, parenting came up. Some dads share their militant style of discipline. I didn’t join in that conversation. After having four kids, I am less qualified in this department.

I have come to accept that my kids will do the opposite of what I expect. The more I hope, the more I get disappointed. The more I worry, the more I stress out. The more I do for them, the more they become dependents and the less they become appreciative.

My wife is a loving mother and she would do anything for her kids. Each morning, she wakes up to make their lunch while I pack our leftovers. Last week, one of them didn’t eat her lunch because the meat tasted like “cardboard.” Mother and son got into a huge fight. My solution was simple. I told him, “Son, get up early and make your own lunch or pack leftovers.”

When I first became a father, I wanted to be involved in their lives because my father was not there for me. Unfortunately, that had backfired. Every sport we played together they quit. Every activity we did together because I forced them to participate. They need to get good grades so that I can look good—not for their own good. They do everything because I am an authoritarian in the house and they have to comply. If I leave them to their own device, they would just spend all day on their own device.

I have become less and less involved. The less I do for them, the more they will do for themselves. I want to become a deprecated dad. After all, Jeff Bezos, Lebron James, and Jesus did well without a father in their lives. If Jesus had a dad, he would have become a carpenter and his name would have been Jesús instead. I stole that joke from Andrew Schulz.

My kids log on their devices as soon as they wake up on weekends and come home from school on weekdays. They don’t do much else. They don’t read. They don’t do homework. They don’t study. They don’t help around the house. Their grades are dropping and they don’t care.

I am frustrated, disappointed, and hopeless. My wife and I keep fighting over this and we don’t see eye to eye on the issue. We are moving further apart on parenting. I can’t stand it when kids disrespect their parents and here we are.

My dad slapped me or hit me with a log. I thought he was so cruel, but now I understand. I probably deserved it. At times, I want to slap the taste out of my kids’ mouth for being disrespectful, but then I don’t want to hurt them. I am so conflicted.

I love them too much to let them ruin their lives. They spend so much time on their devices and yet they never get enough. One of my kids told me straight out that he doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore. He just wants to spend time with his PC all day, everyday.

With my older kids, I told them countless times about the importance of education. They don’t care. Their grades are slipping. I told them about managing their screen time. They don’t care. They continue to spend hours and hours on their devices. I want to take them out, but one of the older ones wants to stay home. I am getting tired of making him go. The older kids aren’t doing any sports or physical activities.

My hopes and dreams for my kids had died. The bar is so low now. I have no expectations for them. I don’t know how they will survive without us if all they do is wasting their time on their devices and not picking up any other skills. I won’t be here forever. My health is not great and I don’t expect to live long.

Furthermore, I don’t want to put my relationship with my wife at risk. This is the biggest reason that the kids are getting away with their digital usage. Until she collaborates with me, I can’t do much for them.

Of course I have nothing but love for my four boys, but I sympathize with Xuân. It doesn’t mean that I am favoring him. I just know all my kids strengths and weaknesses.

Without a doubt, Xuân is physically strong. He’s athletic. He’s the only one in the family who competes in swimming. He has no fear riding the scooter at the skateparks. He is a hell of a skier. He makes tremendous progress on snowboarding this season. He eats well and grows fast.

In contrast to his strong physical, his emotion is weak. He lets people’s words get to him. Đạo and Đán seized on his vulnerability and they attacked verbally every chance they got. Even when I told them to stop, they wouldn’t. That was when I exploded and they accused me of favoritism. They could call me whatever they wanted, but I couldn’t just stand by and let them berate their younger brother to tears.

Even little Vương picked on Xuân. When Vương got mad, he would hit his older brother, but Xuân never hit his younger brother back. I wouldn’t want Xuân to hit Vương back either, but my heart hurt for Xuân.

Last Saturday, the three of us went riding together. Vương skied down to the lift first. Then Xuân snowboarded down and pulled a brake. He sprayed some snow on Vương. Vương got mad and hit his forehead with his pole. When I snowboarded down, I saw Xuân holding his head in the snow and crying. I was so mad. Vương could have poked Xuân’s eye with his pole. I yelled at Vương. He got mad and decided to ski back to the base himself. I let him go alone.

I don’t know how Xuân is doing in school when I am not around. I hope he can defend himself. Better yet, I hope he doesn’t let other people’s words get to him. Whenever I am not with my kids. I think about them a lot, especially Xuân. I hope one day his brothers will understand him, love him, care for him, and protect him. That’s what brotherhood is all about.

As I am sitting on the coach listening to my second and third sons taking their piano private lessons, I hear no progress. The instructor is doing his best, but he can’t help them if they don’t put their effort into their playing.

They spend hours after hours on their digital devices each day. I hardly hear them practice playing piano. Their hearts aren’t in it, why are they still taking lessons? These private lessons aren’t cheap. My wife and I discussed and argued over this issue. She wanted them to continue. I caved in. I don’t want it to be the reason to break us.

My wife and I are moving further and further away from where we want to raise our kids. For example, I want to limit their use of screen time by shutting down the internet at a certain time. She wants it on all the time and they sit in front of their screens until she screams at them to get off. I don’t mind paying for private piano lessons, skiing, snowboarding, or any activities if they put their efforts into them. If they don’t appreciate what we provide for them, why should we waste our money?

If one of us lost our job one day, we would be screwed. The thought of losing an income worries me, particularly if I would be the one. It stresses me out everyday. I explained to the kids many times about taking these privileges for granted, but they just don’t get it. I don’t want to repeat it anymore.