As a father, my constant concerns, worries, and fears on digital addiction, depression, and self-destruction are hitting close to home. They are happening around me to the people I know.

Talking about the danger of digital addiction to my kids isn’t sinking in. They can’t pull themselves away from their screens. Their brains aren’t mature enough to walk away. I can’t help them if they can’t help themselves.

I am so tired of repeating myself. My words don’t mean a thing. I want to just let them do whatever they want with their lives. At work, I present the issues. If they don’t want to fix the issues then they are no longer my problems. My kids are my responsibilities. They stress me out, but I can’t stop worrying. My mind is exhausted by the end of the day.

I am not sure what to do. Continuing to be a pain-in-the-ass parent or preparing for the worst? I really don’t want them to go down the wrong path. Dealing with the issues now rather than facing the consequences later.

I woke up with a bit of a migraine. I was not sure if the culprit were the beer from last night, the falling incident at the skatepark, the lack of sleep, or the combination of all of them. Still, I woke up early to take Ðạo to school.

Then I met up with Xuân’s teachers for the parent conference. I was in shock to learn that he had been struggling academically. He doesn’t understand Spanish at all. Even though I was surprised, I was not mad at him. With Đạo and Đán, I didn’t see any value in learning Spanish, especially when neither my wife and I know the language. I would rather they focus on English. If they had to study another language, why not Vietnamese?

Xuân is also struggling with math, writing, and reading. He is having a hard time staying focused. He is easily distracted. He scored low his reading assessment.

I felt so guilty. I assumed he had been doing good. His behavior had been much better this year; therefore, I hadn’t heard anything from his teachers. While his social skills had improved, his learning had not.

After the meeting, my migraine dialed up a knot. Had going to the skatepark taken away his school work? I need to spent more time helping with his schoolwork.

I took my sister and her daughter to the Great Fall Park. The weather was beautiful. The scenes were stunning, but I couldn’t get Xuân off my mind.

By the time we got back home, my migraine kicked in. I had to pop in an Aleve and went for a late nap. I slept for a bit and my migraine had subsided.

Tháng trước vợ hỏi tôi làm tài xế đưa mẹ và chị vợ qua Maine chơi vài ngày cùng với mấy bác và anh họ từ Texas bay qua. Nghe nói tôm hùm ở Maine ngon lắm tôi cũng muốn thử cho biết. Tôi đồng ý nhưng nghĩ lại để vợ ở nhà một mình trông bốn thằng con cũng tội.

Tôi đề nghị vợ đi chơi với gia đình. Vợ ít có dịp đi chơi riêng không có chồng con để được thư giãn. Vợ còn lưỡng lự không biết có nên đi không thì tôi khuyến khích vợ nên đi để dành thời gian với mẹ mình. Ngày nào còn có mẹ thì hãy quý trọng đừng bỏ lỡ cơ hội. Khi không còn mẹ nữa, tôi mới cảm nhận được sự mất mát trong cuộc đời. Tôi không vợ phải tiếc nuối về sau. Chắc nghe những lời nói đó nên vợ chịu đi.

Sẵn dịp tôi cũng muốn dành thời gian riêng với bốn thằng con. Đồng thời cũng muốn thử sức mình có thể tự chăm sóc tụi nhỏ lúc không có vợ. Lúc nào tôi cũng ỷ lại có vợ chăm nom cho đàn con. Ba thằng lớn tôi không ngại, chỉ hơi lo thằng út vì nó rất gần với mẹ.

Sáng thứ Tư, vợ, mẹ, và chị đi sớm ra phi trường lúc mấy đứa nhỏ vẫn còn đang ngủ. Bảy giờ tôi dậy đưa thằng Đạo đi học. Trở về tôi gọi ba thằng còn lại dậy đi ra Dunkin Donuts ăn sáng. Lúc đến trường , tôi dặn Đán và Xuân dắt tay Vương vào cửa để nó đừng khóc.

Tôi trở về nhà làm việc. Giờ nghỉ, tôi thu dọn lại nhà cửa một tí cho ngăn nắp. Đến trưa, tôi chạy đến trường ăn với Vương. Nó rất mừng thấy tôi đến. Nó ngồi ăn thật là dễ thương. Nó ăn xong trở về lớp, tôi nén lại cafeteria để gặp Xuân. Hết giờ trưa, tôi trở về nhà tiếp tục công việc cho đến chiều đi rước bọn nó.

Lúc đón Vương, thấy mặt nó hơi buồn chứ không vui như lúc ăn trưa. Nó ôm lấy tôi khóc sướt mướt và nói rằng, “Con nhớ mẹ.” Tôi ôm nó vào lòng và an ủi. May là mấy đứa bạn của Đán thấy vậy cũng đến high-five, bắt tay, và ôm nên nó cũng không còn khóc nữa.

Sau đó mấy cha con đi skatepark trượt gần hai tiếng đồng hồ. Xuân vượt qua được nỗi sợ hãi của nó và đã trượt scooter từ trên đỉnh cao xuống. Đến sáu giờ, cả nhà đi ăn tối. Đán muốn sushi buffet. Giá cũng khá đắt nhưng thôi kệ. Đáng tiếc rằng thức ăn cũng không ngon lắm hay tôi đã quá mệt nên ăn không thấy ngon.

Về nhà tắm rửa cho tụi nó chơi game một chút rồi đi ngủ. Ngày hôm sau thời khóa biểu cũng tương tựa. Chỉ khác là chiều về nhà ăn tối vì ăn ở ngoài tốn kém quá. Đạo và Đán vào bếp làm chảo Tteokbokki.

Hôm nay thứ Sáu Vương được đi field trip ở nông trại Cox nên tôi cũng lấy một ngày nghỉ làm để đi chơi với nó. Chiều nay không đi skatepark vì phải đi hướng đạo. Ngày mai mẹ bọn nó trở về. Bốn ngày trôi qua thật nhanh. Hy vọng vợ có được những giây phút nhẹ nhàng và thư giãn.

As usual, I drove Đán and Xuân to their weekly private piano lessons. Instead of dropping by the skatepark afterwards, we went straight to my sister-in-law’s house to celebrate her mother-in-law’s 88th birthday.

After we sang “Happy Birthday” and cut the cake, I asked Đán and Xuân to play their latest song they had been practicing for months. They both declined to play even though they just practiced with their teacher just half an hour ago preparing for their informal recital in two weeks.

Then I asked them to play any song and Đán chose “Ode to Joy.” He played it with one finger so he could get back to playing video games. They both had taken private lessons for almost two years and all one of them could play was ten seconds with one finger.

My wife and I argued over their piano lessons. She wants them to continue. I don’t see the point if they don’t give a damn. They threw tantrums every time they were asked to practice. They just wanted to get it done and over with so they could play video games. They took months to learn one song.

They have lost their interest. It is just another wasted opportunity like everything we offered them. It has been dragging for months and they are making regress instead of progress. I am done with them on this one too.

I always loved this clip of Xuân jamming at his friend’s birthday party. While everyone else was standing still, he got his groove on and he didn’t seem to pay attention to anything around him. The expression on his face was priceless.

For more fun clips, check out my collection of Shorts or subscribe to my YouTube channel. I post a clip every 12 hours for the entire month.

I loved the clip of my four-year-old Vương trying to climb up the ramp at the skate park. Watching him climb reminding me of Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All,” especially these lines, “If I fail, if I succeed / At least I’ll live as I believe.” I put the song and the video together to create a YouTube Short.

The other night I asked Vương, my youngest son, who started kindergarten this year if he liked school and if he had made any friends. His response was that he didn’t like school, but he made a few friends. I asked him what he liked about school. He said the playground and went further to tell me that he just wanted to play alone at the playground, and not with friends. I reassured him that it was perfectly fine if he preferred to play alone. I was actually glad that he was comfortable with being by himself when he wanted.

His older brother, Xuân, who is in second grade, on the other hand, always needed to please others. He always wanted to be liked, and that worries me. He would get into trouble for doing things his peers find funny, but his teachers find unappropriate. I know exactly what he is going through because I spent most of my life trying to please others. It didn’t go too well for me. I want him to break the cycle.

I am at the point in my life where I don’t want to pretend to be nice. I want to be honest. I am tired of trying to please people—even the ones I loved. I have always wanted to please my wife because I was afraid she would leave me. It exposed my insecurities and weaknesses. Saying “I love you” had lost all of its meaning because it sounded pretentious. I didn’t throw the phrase out of nowhere. I wanted confirmation, but most of the time I got a silent response. Maybe it is still a taboo in Vietnamese culture to express your love verbally. Whenever I spoke to my mom in person or over the phone, I always said, “I love you” and her response was always “OK.” The last time I said “I love you” to my mom, a tear rolled down her eye as she departed this world.

Damn, my kids use their digital devices way too much. My firstborn always glues to his phone or laptop. My second son constantly plays on his PC. My third and fourth can’t stay away from their iPads. They have no motivation to do anything else. If they go to the skatepark with me, I have to reward them with boba tea or their favorite food.

The issue is they don’t know when to stop. If I don’t ask them to turn off, they will play for hours. Even when I tell them to stop, they won’t get up until they get yelled at. It breaks my heart to see them dropping everything else and just focusing on their digital devices.

My oldest is no longer reading paper books like he used to. My second is no longer interested in playing piano. He takes months to learn one song. My third gets whiny when being asked to practice piano. My youngest doesn’t do much else.

Am I the only one who is deeply concerned? Most kids seem to do the same. When my kids get together with other kids, they spend most of their time on their devices. I get so irritated that I just don’t want to witness it.

Other parents seem to be fine with it though. Maybe I should just stop worrying and let them do whatever they want with their time and hope for the best. What else can get worse? Addiction, depression, dropout, withdrawal? As a father, I love them and want to prevent the worst, but I am failing big time. I was so naive about parenthood. I thought love would conquer everything, but love alone isn’t enough. The more I love; the more I care; the more I fail. They have sunken to the point that they can’t function without these digital devices.

My concerns, worries, anxieties have fallen on deaf ears. I hope I am dead wrong. I hope I am worrying too much. I hope I am just being paranoid. Only time will tell.

The summer went by so fast. Đạo starts ninth grade. Đán starts sixth grade. Xuân starts second grade. Vương starts kindergarten. The summer was short but we had a handful of activities including summer vacations, camping trips, and family reunions.

Xuân joined the swimming team over summer and he had a blast. He seemed to be very competitive. He will continue to train soon. I hope he will stick to it. Vương got to spend time at home before joining his older brothers for school. Đạo and Đán had done an excellent job keeping their daily writing. They didn’t miss a day.

Đạo has developed his skills as a fiction writer. His writing is clear and descriptive. I could visualize the scenes he described even without knowing the backstory. He wrote scene by scene. I encouraged him to write something personal, but he refused. He doesn’t like to reveal his personal thoughts.

Đán, on the other hand, wrote what was on his mind. His approach is more similar to mine. Some of his pieces were hilarious. He still has to edit his writing, but he has been able to express himself. This exercise has helped him to write better.

I am so glad that they had agreed to take on the challenge and they didn’t fail. Furthermore, I am proud of their works. Even though their summer assignment is over, I hope they will continue to write. It is a great asset to have for the rest of their life.

Eleven days ago (Friday, July 21, 2023), Vương came down with high fevers and vomited while we were out camping at First Landing. Five days later, his symptoms hadn’t gone away; therefore, we took him to the pediatrician. He was tested negative for Covid and flu. Two days later, he still didn’t get better. I wanted to take him to the ER, but the on-call nurse advised taking him to PM Pediatric Care. He tested negative for strep and urinary tract infection.

Earlier today, he still had high fevers and still threw up. Worse, he was lethargic. I couldn’t just wait around anymore. My wife and I took him to the ER around 5 pm. He had a chest x-ray. His lungs were cleared. They drew three tubes of blood from him for testing. They also swapped his nose for more tests.

More results will be confirmed tomorrow, but he is not in any immediate danger. He was discharged. I hope the doctors were correct that his viral infection is lasting longer than expected, but will go away.

Seeing him being sick breaks my heart. I hope he will recover quickly.