Kể từ hôm nay ilovengoclan.com sẽ không còn dùng WordPress nữa. WordPress là phần mềm đằng sau trang web này để những ai yêu mến Ngọc Lan có thể đăng bài viết và để lại comments.

Khoảng mười năm nay người tham gia trang web thật sự thì càng ngày càng vắng đi nhưng những spammers và hackers càng gia tăng. Vài tuần gần đây, nơi hosting provider cứ cảnh cáo là trang nhà dùng quá tải năng lực. Cho dù tôi đã dùng đủ mọi phương pháp để giảm năng lượng nhưng vẫn không đủ. Hôm nay họ cho biết đến cuối tuần mà không giải quyết xong, họ sẽ tắt đi trang nhà này. Muốn giữ lại thì phải nâng cấp hosting plan từ $9.99 một tháng đến $23.99 một tháng. Sau đó trang nhà có đứng vững hay không thì còn chưa biết. Tôi muốn duy trì trang ilovengoclan.com lâu dài nên đã quyết định rút ra khỏi WordPress.

Nếu như chúng ta không còn dùng WordPress nữa thì hackers và spammers cũng không thể tấn công trang nhà này nữa. Cho nên từ bây giờ trở đi những bài viết và những lời comments cũ vẫn giữ nguyên nhưng chúng ta không thể viết bài mới hoặc để lại những comment mới. Coi như chúng ta sẽ duy trì mãi những gì còn tồn tại nơi này. Tôi đi đến quyết định này vì trang web giờ đây rất yên lặng. Trang nhà không còn sinh hoạt sôi nổi như những năm đầu nữa. Nhưng nếu ai muốn đăng bài mới vẫn có thể gửi đến cho tôi.

Đồng thời rút ra khỏi WordPress, tôi cũng bỏ nơi hosting provider và đã đem trang nhà lên mây (cloud hosting). Hy vọng sẽ bớt chi phí mỗi tháng để duy trì trang này dài lâu. Tuy nhiên tôi vẫn giữ lại tất cả WordPress files và database. Nếu có bạn nào hâm mộ Ngọc Lan và có nhã ý tiếp quản trang nhà này xin liên lạc với tôi. Tôi sẽ trao lại hết những hồ sơ để bạn có thể tiếp tục.

Xin cám ơn tất cả các bạn luôn viếng thăm ilovengoclan.com gần 20 năm qua.

Cuối cùng cũng tuyển được người phụ tôi trong công việc. Tuy cô chỉ mới bắt đầu tuần này nhưng tôi quý trọng cách làm việc của cô. Khác hẳn với cậu trước, cô làm việc tỉ mỉ và thận trọng nên tôi rất an tâm khi giao phó công việc cho cô. Hơn nữa, cô học tập rất nhanh. Tuy làm việc với nhau nhưng tôi với cô chỉ liên lạc qua emails. Tôi thích cách cư xử chuyên nghiệp của cô, không chỉ riêng tôi mà luôn cả những đồng nghiệp.

Thú thật lúc đầu tôi không chọn cô ta là vì tôi nghĩ cô quá dư tiêu chuẩn (overqualified) cho công việc part-time này. Khi xem qua résumé, cô có bằng cao học. Hơn nữa cô giỏi Anh văn, chụp ảnh với tầm mắt nghệ thuật, và viết code rất khá. Trong phần phỏng vấn, cô chậm rãi trả lời từng câu hỏi. Cô luôn suy nghĩ trước khi trả lời và câu nào khó cô càng ngẫm nghĩ lâu hơn. Những người phỏng vấn đều thích cô. Tôi cũng rất mến cô nhưng tôi nghĩ công việc này không xứng với tài năng của cô.

Vì đây là công việc part-time nên cô không được quyền lợi nhiều. Tôi không dám hỏi về đời tư của cô. Chẳng hạn như cô có bảo hiểm cho sức khỏe hoặc cô có đủ tài chính để xoay xở cho đời sống hay không? Tuy không phải là chuyện của tôi nhưng tôi cảm thấy không công bình cho cô. Tôi sẽ cố gắng chuyển cô qua full-time.

Victoria Rushton, a talented type designer who I had the pleasure to work with on Vietnamese diacritics, has just released a typeface named Kadabra. She writes:

I inherited this typeface. My love, Dai Foldes, killed himself in April, and suddenly everything that was his became mine.

The release note is heartbreaking and beautiful. She goes on:

I don’t think this is his “legacy.” Everyone who knew either of us knows how much we loved each other, and that’s what matters. These are just vectors. He loved me more than anything, and this is just a font. He’s gone, but it’s here, I’m here, it’s mine now and I have to take it and try to keep going. Wish me luck.

This is the first type release note that puts me to tears. The scripted face is just stunning. I bought a license to use as drop caps in the near future.

Hôm qua sau giờ làm việc tôi chợt nhớ ngày Tết Trung Thu nên ghé Kim Phụng ở khu Eden mua hộp bánh thập cẩm. Khi về đến nhà đặt bánh lên bàn thờ cùng vài tách trà và vài cây nhang mời cha mẹ và bố vợ thưởng thức.

Tôi nhớ câu mẹ thường xuyên nhắc nhở, “Lúc sống cho ăn. Lúc chết khỏi cần cúng.” Lúc mẹ còn sống tôi vẫn mua về tặng mẹ trong dịp lễ cho có chút hương vị Việt Nam. Thật ra mua về thì mẹ chỉ ăn một miếng nhỏ thôi còn tôi thì ăn nhiều hơn. Giờ cũng thế, cúng rồi thì tôi cũng ăn thôi.

Ngoài trời mưa bão tầm tã. Tôi ngậm ngùi nhớ đến mẹ.

Klim Type Foundry has released a gorgeous, genderless serif family named Epicene. Kris Sowersby has written an in-depth essay on his research, thinking, and process went into Epicene. He writes:

Epicene is not a straight revival of any of [J.M.] Fleischmann or [J-F.] Rosart’s fonts. Rather I’ve reconciled details from across their body of work, integrating gestures and forms into a cohesive whole.

Epicene supports over 200 languages, and yet no Vietnamese. How disappointing? I was going to tweet about this, but I don’t want to be the Vietnamese guy who has written a book on Vietnamese Typography keep beating the drum on Vietnamese support. Since this is my blog, I can rant all I want.

Tôi gỡ bỏ Facebook ra khỏi điện thoại. Tôi không đăng những bài viết của mình trên đó nữa. Vì những người tôi liên hệ qua Facebook đều là gia đình và bạn bè quen biết, tôi ngần ngại chia sẻ những câu chuyện riêng tư. Tôi cảm thấy tự do và thoải mái hơn ở nơi này. Tôi viết như không ai đọc cả. Tôi viết cho chính mình. Tôi không ngại chia sẻ những suy tư của mình.

Không rõ những gì mình viết có khoe khoang, đụng chạm, phách lối, hoặc than phiền hay không nhưng tôi chẳng quan tâm đến những điều đó. Nếu như phải lo lắng thì tôi đã không thể chia sẻ được. Càng ngày các bài viết của tôi càng rút về thế giới riêng của chính mình. Tôi viết nhiều về tình cảm, con cái, đam mê, và sự ra đi của cha mẹ. Tôi không còn viết về thiết kế, công nghệ, hoặc nhạc nữa. Những thứ đó không còn hứng thú với tôi. Những cảm xúc của tôi đến từ cuộc sống của tôi. Tuy nhàm chán nhưng tôi cũng có thể tìm ra được những khía cạnh làm cảm hứng để viết.

Tôi không ngại bộc lộ những điểm yếu của mình hoặc than vãn thân phận. Tôi cũng chẳng quan tâm đến sự việc làm mất lòng người khác. Tôi không hoàn hảo, không cao thượng, cũng không rộng lượng. Tôi chỉ là một con người tầm thường sống trong một thế giới nhỏ bé của mình. Tôi chỉ viết xuống những gì xảy ra xung quanh mình. Tôi cũng không biết mục đích của bài này là gì. Chỉ biết muốn viết bằng tiếng Việt mà thôi.

It hurt when my wife talked nicer to other people than to me. Our marriage has come to the point where anything I say annoys the heck out of her. Last evening, she told me that she was feeling sick. I asked her why and she flipped out: “What do you mean why? I don’t know why. I am just feeling sick. Do you have to know why?” Maybe I was asking the wrong question, but I was genuinely concerned. I wanted to know what caused her to feel sick. Did she come down with a cold or a flu? Was it because of a lack of sleep? She just came back from the dentist. Did she have an extraction or a crown that made her sick? Just a simple question that could make her furious. If I didn’t say anything at all, she would say I don’t care.

Nowadays, she yells at me like I am one of her kids. I miss her soft voice and gentle tone when we first met. She used to laugh at my jokes. These days, my jokes have become either satirical or mockery. I have been pondering how we got here. It’s my fault that I have turned a sweet lady into a cantankerous wife. I wish I could turn things back, but there is nothing I can do to right my wrong. I have become a thorn in her eyes. Without telling me that I am lazy, she often hinted at how I didn’t do anything around the house. On weekdays, I went to work, came home and took the kids out to ice skating or rollerblading. Would she rather have them sit in front of the screen and play video games instead? When we started skating, she was the one that pushed me to take them. I hesitated at first, but I was hooked when I put on those skates. On weekends, the kids had activities like Scouting or ice hockey, which required me to be out. I mowed the lawn every two or three weeks and tried to fix things around the house. When she did the laundry, I folded the clothes and put them away.

I had always been grateful that she cooked for us. I helped out by doing the dishes or giving the kids a bath. It was not like I just sat around and did nothing all day. Still, my efforts were never enough. When we were on vacation, for example, she often cooked for everyone including her brother’s and sister’s family. She not only cooked, but also served everyone. I felt guilty and asked her not to serve me anymore. I can do it myself. Even our kids, I made them serve themselves and help set the table.

She is a caring daughter, kind sister, loving mother, and a wonderful wife. Unfortunately, I have failed to bring her joy and happiness. She has become grumpier and crankier. I understand raising four boys isn’t easy. I struggle everyday, but we can do it together. I apologize for my shortcomings. I apologize for not holding up my end of the bargain. I apologize for being a shitty husband. I don’t apologize, however, for loving her. Maybe I don’t know how to love her or how to show my love to her, but I love her from the bottom of my heart. I hope underneath all the harshness and bitterness, she still has some love left for me as well. I am not going anywhere unless she wants me to.

Friday evening after work, I took Đạo and Đán to their Scout meeting. I spotted some new parents taking their kids to join the Cub Scout. At the hour-long parent-leader meeting, most parents who had been with the Scout for a year or more helped out with something. One parent handled the logistics. One volunteered to teach Vietnamese. One took charge of outreach, which included designing the website. The leaders asked me to run the lion dance group, but I turned them down. I can’t take on anymore responsibility. The Scout ended at 8:30 pm. There went my Friday evening.

Saturday morning, I woke up early to take Đán to ice hockey. I also made him practice for half an hour. We didn’t get home until noon. At home, I went up to the attic to check on the fan. My wife kept complaining that her room was too hot in the summer and too cold in the winter; therefore, she thought the fan was broken. I worried and couldn’t sleep for a couple of nights just the thought of having to replace the fan. I avoided going into the attic if I could. I didn’t realize that I needed to walk on the beams. As I stepped on the dry ceiling, I heard a crack. I quickly stepped onto the beam. Luckily I didn’t break the ceiling yet. I walked around the dark- and-hot-as-hell attic trying to find a fan and we don’t have one. I was relieved. I went back down, cleaned up, and vacuumed all the rooms. After lunch, I went rollerblading at the school’s parking lot near our house. I practiced the 180 jump on and off the sidewalk. It was a great exercise. I sweat profusely. An hour later, I was exhausted and took a quick nap on the coach. I woke up and my legs were soaring. My wife complained again. I was supposed to feel better after exercise, not more tired. I am old and I used too much energy. My body couldn’t keep up. I felt tired, but I also felt great that I made myself active.

Sunday morning, my sister-in-law dropped her boys off at our house so she and her husband can fix their own fan in the attic. I took the older kids to ice skating from 12 pm to 3 pm. For three hours, I got a lot of practice in. I improved my backward edges and my waltz jumps. I reviewed my half-flip and ballet jumps. I did some one-foot spins and learned the new half-lutz jump. I felt productive and eager to get back to ice skating, which I hadn’t done much when I injured my knee. After ice skating I took the kids to High Side for some snacks and some craft beer for me. We ordered tornado fries, sweet potato fries, chicken baos, and beef teriyaki skewers to share among the four of us. I had two glasses of sour ale with Magdalena River Mango, Tangerine, Pineapple and Calamansi. The bill came out to almost $100. Nothing is cheap anymore. After our overpriced street food and craft beer, I went over to my sister-in-law’s house to help her husband replace the motor fan in the attic. I went to the roof to unscrew the fan while he was in the attic holding on to the motor. The process took 15 minutes. We went to our house and had a hotpot my wife made for dinner. It was delicious. I always loved hotpot.

Those are the highlights of my boring weekend. The lawn still needed to be mowed. The HVAC still needed to be opened up and vacuumed. The basement still needed to be reorganized. The list of home maintenance goes on and on. My weekends are either filled with stress or guilt. I get stressed out because I could not get the things done around the house. I feel guilty if I push off the housework and go out ice skating or spending time with the kids. The struggles never seem to end.

While waiting for my kids’ ice skating group lessons, I heard Vietnamese adults gushing over their kids. The father said in English, “You have done so well for the first time.” The mother said in English, “Yes, I am so proud of you.” The grandmother said in Vietnamese, “You were so good.” They took turns and repeated their praise over and over again as they took off the kids’ rental skates.

Is it just me or do Vietnamese parents tend to over compliment their kids? This is not the first time I have heard something like this from Vietnamese parents. Sure, encouragement is good, especially for doing something new for the first time, but do you have to overdo it? It felt like giving kids false hope or toxic positivity. I give my kids compliments too, but I also try not to exaggerate their accomplishments.

I know kids who think they are the best at everything because their parents kept bragging that they are the best. Being competitive is good. It makes the kids work harder to achieve their goal, but when parents make their kids think they are the best, they set them up to fail. They put their kids on the pedestal and their kids can’t reach it. The kids threw tantrums when they lost in a game. When the kids can’t be the best, they just quit.

I rather have my kids keep working to improve their game than just giving up. Then again, what do I know? When I taught my kids how to skate, I just left them on the ice by themselves. I didn’t hold their hands. I didn’t help them get up when they fell. I just showed them how to get on their feet again. Đán didn’t hold on to the wall at all. He just walked like a penguin until he found his balance. Đạo used the wall until he found his groove. Xuân fell a couple of times, but he picked up quickly. I haven’t been able to get Vương into the rink. He isn’t quite ready yet.

After stopping private lessons for Đạo and Xuân, I enrolled them into group lessons again. Private lessons were expensive, but Đạo told me he was not interested in competing. Neither of them wanted to practice. If they don’t practice, they won’t get anywhere. Group lessons are not only cheaper, but they also come with free public sessions for practice. If they don’t use them, I will. Ice skating is still a fun sport for the kids even if they don’t take it seriously. Xuân is taking Beta. Đạo is taking Freestyle 1. I am looking into taking Freestyle 2 at the end of this month. With my knee injury, I haven’t practiced much. I still have a minor pain, but hopefully I will fully recover by then.

As for Đán, he seems to be sticking with ice hockey. He is doing well in class. He has the speed and the skating skills. He needs to work on his hockey skills. He needs to learn to control the puck with his stick. He needs to learn the strategy of the game. Fortunately, hockey is similar to soccer; therefore, I can provide him with some tips such as working with his teammates and passing the puck away from his own goal. We’ll see how he does.

Cathy Park Hong’s Minor Feelings is filled with major thoughts. From an Asian-American lens, Hong provides a clear-eyed view on race and racism in America. Hong breaks down complex issues with her impeccable prose. Her investigative profile of Theresa Hak Kyung Cha, in particular, is heartbreaking. I want to get my hands on Cha’s Dictee. Reading Hong’s personal, historical, and analytical accounts, I am glad that she represents Asian Americans. We need more voices like her. This collection of essays is a must read not just for Asian Americans, but anyone who is interested in the race issues in America. She is a damn good writer and thinker.