Đã theo dõi đọc blog của anh Quốc Bảo khá lâu. Tôi thích cách viết mộc mạc, lối sống nhẹ nhàng, và những sở thích sâu đậm của anh. Được biết anh ra sách 50: Hồi ký không định xuất bản tôi tìm ngay khi đến Việt Nam. Được sách trong tay tôi đọc ngay và những bài viết rất đúng với phong cách Quốc Bảo. Viết về bất cứ đề tài nào (cha, mẹ, bà, bạn, âm nhạc, nước hoa, hay chụp ảnh), anh cũng bộc lộ được những cái nhìn rất riêng của mình. Như anh, tôi rất thích đọc. Và đây là một quyển hồi ký rất nên đọc.

Biết rằng giây phút chia tay rồi cũng sẽ đến nhưng tôi không cầm được nước mắt. Chỉ ở với ba không quá 10 ngày nhưng dường như tôi quen những lời nói to tiếng nhưng đầy ân cần và âu lo của ông. Làm sao quên được những buổi sáng hai cha con đẹp xe đi ăn hủ tiếu Mỹ Tho, hứng gió ở Vườn Hoa Lạc Hồng, và uống một ly cà phê sữa đá thơm ngon nơi quán cóc nhỏ.

Chuyến đi lần này tôi đã đạt được mục đích tôi đã ấp ủ từ 16 năm qua. Tôi đã được một chút thời gian tuy rất ngắn nhưng đầy ý nghĩa. Tôi được sống bên ngôi nhà mộc mạc của ba. Tuy nhiều muỗi nhưng rất thanh tịnh. Không wifi nên tránh được những tin tức hằng ngày ở Mỹ. Mổi buổi tối thấy ba say sưa xem cải lương tôi cũng vui tuy tôi chỉ thích đọc sách trước khi đi ngủ.

Về Việt Nam tôi không đi đâu cả. Lo xong công việc trên thành phố là tôi vội vã về Mỹ Tho ngay để dành thời gian bên ba và gia đình. Tình thương yêu anh chị dành cho thằng em út này vẫn sâu sắc và đậm đà như ngày nào. Chị nào cũng lo cho thằng em trai. Anh chị lớn cũng dành tình thương cho em.

Bà con chú bác cô cậu cũng thế. Ai cũng niềm nở đón thằng cháu này. Kỷ niệm ngày xưa đẹp xe qua nhà cô cậu, chú thím, và các bác ăn uống no nê vẫn không mờ phai. Hơn 30 năm sau vẫn thế. Thằng cháu này muốn ăn ở đâu món gì đều sẵn sàng cả.

Tôi thật hạnh phúc và may mắn vô cùng được tình thương yêu gắng bó của gia đình. Bây giờ tôi cũng đã có cuộc sống riêng và một thế giới riêng nhưng quê hương và tuổi thơ vẫn luôn gắn liền với tôi.

Qua 15 tình thư, nhạc sĩ Vũ Thành An viết riêng cho những người yêu đã từng làm cho trái tim ông rung động và mang lại nguồn cảm hứng cho ông sáng tác những tình khúc không tên để đời. Chỉ có người trong cuộc mới hiểu được những mối quan hệ đó nên đọc giả cũng không rõ những hình bóng trong đó là ai. Hơi thất vọng vì không được đọc sâu hơn về những tình khúc của ông. Quyển sách được thiết kế theo một bì thư rất đẹp. Những trang giấy màu sắc lúa mì cùng những tranh vẽ minh hoạ rất ấn tượng. Đáng tiếc cách xếp chữ (typesetting) có một vài chi tiết không đúng.

Went back to Saigon to attend the workshops at RMIT. The morning session was a general introduction to using assistive technologies. The afternoon session was mostly concept for digital inclusion for teaching and learning. I didn’t find them too useful.

Took a quick tour afterward to check out the design program at RMIT. I would love to teach here if I decided to move back to Vietnam, which is unlikely.

Went to dinner with my brother, sister-in-law, sister, cousins, nieces and nephews who live in Saigon. It was a nice evening catching up after 16 years. I really enjoyed seeing family members even though I was exhausted and sleepy.

Unfortunately when I got back to the hotel, I could not sleep. Woke up around two in the morning, practiced my presentation, and posted photos on Facebook to share with family members.

How ironic is that when I get quiet moments to myself, I could not sleep. I must have been used to the constant energy around the boys. I miss them terrible.

Woke up at four in the morning and sorted out gift bags. Around six, biked with dad to breakfast. Of course, I had to have hủ tiếu Mỹ Tho. It is still the best. After breakfast, we biked to Vườn Hoa Lạc Hồng to catch the breeze from the river. The beautiful morning and the peacefulness brought back so much childhood memories.

Visited our old neighbors Dì Ba and Dì 6. Our old house is now a giant villa. Went to see Cô Thà (my aunt) and Cô Hường (my fifth grade teacher). Cô Hường is raising a grand niece whose mother had passed away and father has left her after he remarried. Despite her situation, the girl is a smart student and her English is excellent. She is respectful and resilient. Cô Hường joked that I should take her with me. I think I should adopt her as well.

After visiting Cô Hường, I was exhausted. I went home and tried to take a quick nap. When my sister Trúc Em invited us to dinner, I was not feeling so well. She ordered signature dishes including grilled goat titties and bloody snail, I had to have some rượu Đế (Vietnamese rice liquored. With just a shot or two, I felt much better.

My two sisters (Lệ and Trúc chị) and their family came back from the beach and joined us. In such a loving atmosphere, I drink a bit more than I should. The result was terrible. I was fucking drunk.

I could not sleep once again because of the liquor and migraine. The next day, I tried to go out to breakfast, but could not eat. I went back to bed for a few more hours. Woke up and felt much better. Had a quick lunch with dad and sisters before paying a visit to dad’s sister and brothers.

With my dad, each visit was kept extremely short. We were able to squeeze in a visit to the temple I used to stayed in. Chị Châu was in tears when she saw me. We had a brief conversation with Sư Vô before dad told us to go.

After long flights with a few hours of delays and having read two books, I landed on Tân Sơn Nhất airport at 1 in the morning on Sunday. Took a cap to Viển Đông hotel to meet up with my cousin Minh. Although I was completely exhausted, I could not sleep. I read some more to dove off. At around 5 in the morning the roasters started to crow. That familiar sound instantly reminded me of my childhood.

At 6 AM, my cousin Minh and I had complementary breakfast at the hotel. 8 AM, my dad showed up. He is now older, weaker, and so much grumpier (more on this later). Before heading back to my hometown Mỹ Tho, I paid a brief visit to my mother-in-law’s oldest sister and my father-in-law’s oldest sister.

We stopped at my sister’s house (Trúc chị) in Mỹ Tho to rest bit and continued to to visit my mom’s relatives and my grandparents’ and great great grandparents’ graves. My dad took over my schedule and demanded that everyone must followed his order. He rushed me as I was chit chatting with my mom’s aunts and uncles. He yelled at my other sister (Trúc em), my brother-in-law, and my niece and nephews for not complying with his demands. Because of his grumpiness, my sister told me, he lives by himself in a little house, which is where I am staying. Since his brothers are out of town for their company’s summer trip to Vũng Tàu, I have yet to paid them a visit, but my sister has assured me that my dad’s place is quite modest compared to his brothers’ massive mansions. Other than mosquitoes, I
am fine with staying in a modest place. It’s my memory of my upbringing.

Uncle 6 is the other poor brother who lives next to my dad. Uncle 6 was a talented home builder just like his other brothers, unfortunately gambling addiction took every from him. Even his wife and son migrated to Australia. Now he spends most of his day watching TV inside a mosquito net.

We ended the night early because my dad was tired and I was exhausted. Our relationship so far so good even though we are in completely different world and we have different perspectives. I am glad to have the time to spend with him although I miss my wife and boys terribly.

I read this book eight hours straight while sitting on the plane. Alter’s writing is as addictive as his subject. He explores various types of addictions including drugs, video games, and social media. His deep dive in behavioral addiction is both fascinating and frightening, especially dealing with young children in modern technology. Fortunately, Alter does offer some suggestions to help us change our behavior before it gets worse. A required read if you find yourself and your kids can’t live without a digital device.

The trip the Vietnam marks the longest time I will be away from the kids. Last night before bedtime, Đạo asked me the reason for going. I told him that I will be visiting my dad and we haven’t seen each other for sixteen years. His response was that it was longer than the day he was born. He held my right arm and said that he would hold on to me all night long because he’s going to miss me for fourteen days. What a sweet little kid.

Although I kind of feel bad being away for two weeks, it allows me the break to think and reflect on being a father. It has been a tough job and I am not too good at it. I have to thank my wife for carrying the burden with our third boy. I haven’t had to deal with the late-night shift.

My bigger challenge is Đạo and Đán. They are constantly fighting and shouting at each other no matter when and where. Without hitting and spanking, disciplining them has become quite frustrating. My words simply don’t register until I have to raise my voice. I don’t like yelling, but I cannot get their attention otherwise.

Despite all of that, they still love me at the end of the day. They are such good kids when they decided to be. Unfortunately, it is not always the case. I wake every morning telling myself to just stay cool, but it is too damn hard. I am working on staying calm.

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Tomorrow I will be flying back to Vietnam to attend and to speak at the IⁿSITE 2017: Informing Science + IT Education Conferences. In addition, I will see my father for the first time in sixteen years. How could I forget? September 11 happened when I was with him.

I have not slept much lately. The anxiety has kicked in even though I tried to relax and to take things as calm as I can. I don’t want to think too much into it and just let it plays out naturally. I don’t expect much from the trip. My whole goal is just to spend time with him. With the recent death of my wife’s uncle who I loved and respected, the trip is more important than ever. You never know when you will go. I might not get the opportunity to see him again after this trip.

We have a strange and disconnected relationship, but I am putting the past behind us and just focus on the present. I have come to term that our fate won’t change. I either face it for spend the rest of my life trying to hide from it. I hold no grudges against him. After all, we are father and son. Nothing can change that and I have nothing but love for him.