The doctor delivered more bad news. Her condition is getting worse. He urged us to think it over. If we pull the plug now, she will go within a couple of hours. If we keep going, she might be suffering.

My oldest sister pulled herself out of the decision-making responsibility. She doesn’t want to see her suffer, but she doesn’t want to pull the plug either. Unfortunately, we don’t have a third option.

Each minute my conscience tortures me, especially after talking to the doctor. The easier decision is to pull the plug and let her go. That’s the end of it. The harder decision is how far can we go? The doctors don’t seem to be optimistic about it. I respect their medical expertise, but I am still holding out hope if she can still hold on.

I don’t know if I am making the right decision for her. I am now living with this guilt inside me. What if we didn’t go this far? Would the outcome be the same either way? It looks like that’s where we’re heading.

Maria L. La Ganga writes for the Los Angeles Times:

Marilou, Michelle and Michael had not seen their husband and father in person for 36 days. They hadn’t held Bob’s hand or stroked his forehead. There’d been phone calls and texts and video meetings. But once he was placed on the ventilator, even his voice was silenced. In the cruel calculus of COVID-19, there was only one way they could be with him in the hospital.

If the ventilator was turned off. If he was about to die.

We’re now in similar situation and dilemma.

Năm 2020 lại cướp đi một nhạc sĩ tài hoa của làng âm nhạc Việt Nam. Nhạc sĩ Lam Phương đã ra đi vào ngày 22, tháng 12. Xin chia buồn cùng gia đình ông. Cám ơn ông đã để lại hơn 200 ca khúc đã đi vào từng con tim Việt Nam. Mong linh hồn của ông được an nghỉ trong sự bình an.

The doctor called everyday to tell me my mother’s condition was getting worse. Each time he let me know if she were his mother, he would cut her loose. I appreciated his suggestion, but she is not his mother. Until he is in the situation himself, it is easier said than done.

In our video call last night, I told my mom about her condition according to the doctor’s report. I asked her if she still has the strength to fight on. If not, she should just let herself go. I asked her to nod her head if she could hear me. I saw her head moved, but I was not sure if that was her response since she was sedated. At this point, we just have to keep going. Still water, still drawing (còn nước, còn tát).

After our conversation, we watched Paris by Night 18 on YouTube together. The Christmas program brought back so many fond memories. Don Hồ, Kenny Thái, Dalena, and Thái Tài were the young stars back then. Even Chí Tài, as a band leader, already showed his comic side in his performance. Rest in peace, anh Tài. When Ái Vân performed Đức Huy’s “Và con tim đã vui trở lại,” I couldn’t hold my tears. How I wished my mother’s heart could be full of joy again.

I wish you a wonderful holiday season with your loved ones. If you can be with your mother, don’t take it for granted. If you can’t be with her physically, which is not a bad thing this year, give her a call and tell her you love her.

I spoke to my cousin yesterday and she told me a wonderful story about my mother. I couldn’t hold my tears.

When my cousin was about seven years old, she did something bad. She was afraid that her father would spank her. Her mother was always busy with the family’s business; therefore, she couldn’t come to her. She ran away from home. My mother took her in and took care of her. My mother never made any judgment about her. She stayed with my mother for three days until her dad cooled down and forgot all about it.

Half a century later, my cousin still remembers vividly how well my mother fed her and treated her. My mother never told me this story. She probably doesn’t remember it, but my cousin never forgets it. Although they have completely different personalities, I have seen a special bond between them. My mother would trust anything my cousin told her.

As we’re planning and preparing for the worst, my cousin shared this story because she wanted my mother to have the burial plot her mother had bought for her. If my mother can’t make it through this time, she would like my mom laid to rest next to her mother. The sisters can be together again in heaven. That was an offer I could not refuse. I am grateful for my cousin’s generosity and story.

I told my mother the story through FaceTime tonight. I am sure she heard me. I did not, however, tell her about my cousin’s offer. I am sure she would be touched as well.

Given the lockdown this year, I thought I read much more, but I read 15 books less than last year. I am about 200 pages into Barack Obama’s A Promised Land and I won’t be able to finish it by the end of this year.

This year I read more books in Vietnamese than any previous years. I also read much more fiction than any previous years. I have come to appreciate the good writing in novels. I used to have a hard time wrapping my head around the plots and the characters when I read works of fiction, but I am starting to understand them better. I’ll definitely read more novels in coming years.

I don’t have a goal for next year, but I will definitely continue to read. I might get into more medical materials.

As we’re hoping for the best for our mother, we’re also preparing for the worst. After my father-in-law passed in 2012, I brought up the conversation with her. In case something happens to her, would she like to be buried or cremated? She never gave me a straight answer. She told me she would think about it. I reassured her that I was not wishing her death, I just wanted to be prepared so we can make plans for her.

I gave her examples to help her make her decision. For instance, my mother-in-law had already bought a lot right next to her husband. Except for the date she will pass, her plaque already had all of her information on it. Whenever we visited our father-in-law, we would hand out burning incense to the kids to post on their grandfather’s grave and they would always post some on grandma’s side as well. We just smiled about it. I also told her about my wife’s aunt’s and uncle’s wishes. They wanted to be cremated and their ashes to be spread on the mountain instead of in the ocean.

I revisited the topic with my mother over the years. One time, she told me she doesn’t want to be burned. At a different time, she wanted to be cremated and her ashes to be spread on the mountain. Still she didn’t give me a definite answer. She was still thinking about it. Even after she was admitted to the hospital less than two weeks ago, I asked her again and she gave me the same answer: still thinking about it.

It was clear that we have to make the decision for her. I talked to my sisters and they wanted me to make the decision. Because she mentioned she doesn’t want to be burned, I eliminated cremation. I told my sisters that once our mom passed, I would like to bury her body in Virginia. They were fine with it.

When we received the 3 am call from the doctor to go see her for the last time, I asked her once again if she had made a decision and yet she still told me she was still thinking about it. I told her that if she couldn’t make the decision, I would do it for her. I told her about my plan to bring her to Virginia and she said OK. I also made sure she knew that was just my plan, but she can tell me her wish any time. If I don’t hear from her, I will proceed with this plan.

As I was making phone calls to funeral homes, I asked my cousins if they have any recommendations. My aunt and uncle had passed years ago; therefore, they had been through the process. As we talked, they asked me about her resting place and I told them my plan about taking my mom to Virginia.

Half an hour later, my cousins called me back and made me an offer. When their dad passed away years ago, my aunt bought nine additional lots for the family. Her wish was for anyone in the family who would like to bury there. My cousins are now honoring her wish. I discussed the option with my sisters and they preferred it over taking her to Virginia. I won’t get to see her often, but my sisters can visit her often. I could not refuse the option because my mother will be right next to her older sister and brother-in-law. In Virgina, she would be lonely. I am so grateful for my aunt’s generosity. When she was still healthy and alive, she was sharp, decisive, and ahead of her time. I had so much admiration and respect for her business mind as well as her compassion. Thank you dì Hai. Please look out for my mom when she gets there.

I am glad we got that part down. We paid the funeral home a visit and went over everything from picking out a casket and a vault to making the arrangements to getting down the quotes. It’s a big ticket item; therefore, the staff has been very supportive, patience, and accommodating.

As far as religious rituals, I let my sister take charge of that part. Because my mother believes in Buddhism, we would have a brief service for her. She has been in contact with the monk and the temple.

Of course, we would rather not have to go through any of these, but we needed to be ready. Our hope is that she will continue to hold her own.

Yesterday, Rachael, a nurse practitioner from palliative care, contacted me about my mother’s case. To put me at ease, she asked me personal questions about my mother. Where was she born? What does she like to do? Where did she work? Does she like to live in the U.S. or Vietnam?

I know for sure my mother wouldn’t want to live anywhere in the world but here. She believes the U.S. has the best healthcare system in the world. And yet, when she is at the most critical time of her life, the system fails her. I shared with Rachael about the experience we had in the past week and my concern that the medical team had given up on. She assured me that was not the intention and she set up a conference call to talk to my sisters and I about my mom’s condition.

In our conference, I emphasized the importance of understanding what my mother wanted instead of what she thought she wanted. For instance, she refused to take Remdesivir because the doctor told her through the interpreter that Remdesivir could be bad for her liver and kidney. She did not understand that if COVID took over her lung, her liver and kidney would be no good. She refused the ventilator because she didn’t realize that she would die with not enough oxygen. After I explained to her the outcome of her decisions, she told me exactly what she wanted.

Rachael finally understood where I was coming from. She heard me loud and clear. I was not making the decision for my mom. I was helping her to understand her choices so she can make the decision for herself.

At this point, the medical team understands that we want to go forward with the treatment. If her body continues to fight, let her fight for her life. If her body gives up, she will go. The medical team has done what they could for her.

I spoke to Carly last night to get an update on my mom. Carly was wonderful. Night nurses seemed nicer because they were less busy than the morning nurses. In the morning, the pulmonologist told me she needed 100% oxygen. I requested for her to be proned. At night, she only required 65% of oxygen. Proning worked.

I requested Blue Jeans to see my mom. I talked to her for a while and let her listen to the Buddhist chant, “Nam mô a di đà phật.” I watched Carly change the position of my mom’s arms and put a warm blanket over her back. I let the video continue until I fall asleep.

Later on today, we will discuss with the Palliative Care team to see what we need to do next. Is there a path forward if we keep her on the ventilator?

I miss my wife and kids. I miss all the wonderful activities we’ve done together. I miss rollerblading, ice skating, biking, and just running around the playground. My wife and my mother-in-law must be exhausted with the four highly energetic boys. I am so grateful for them at the time I needed to focus on my mom.

I am grateful for my sister’s ex-husband. He cooked and brought food over for us everyday. I need all the strength to pull through. I’ve been taking vitamin D, zinc, and apple cider vinegar, which comes in pills. I am not sure how effective they are compared to the liquid form. I’ve been taking walks despite the snow. I am mentally drained, but physically fine. Even without coffee, sleep has been hard. I still wake up in fear and can’t get back to sleep. I have not touched a drop of alcohol.

I have tested negative for COVID-19. Despite living with two positive COVID patients and had close contact with one, I managed to dodge the bullet. Mask works. Please, please, please wear your mask and save lives. My mom’s situation could have been avoided if we have done our part. What we can do now is to stop the spread.

I will be spending this Christmas and New Year alone and away from my kids, but I hope that won’t be the case in many holidays to come.

Thank you for reading this blog and sharing your support. I wish you a safe, happy holiday season. Take good care of yourself and your loved ones whether being apart or together.

Fuck you for taking my dad. Fuck you for trying to take my mom too. Fuck you, COVID-19. Fuck you, the-worst-fucking-year-of-my-entire-life. Fuck you, 2020!