As parents, you have the responsibility to control your own emotion. You are entitled to your emotion. You can be upset at other people’s kids, but you cannot channel your anger on them.

One time, I took the kids to the playground near our house. I pushed Xuân on the stroller. As we walked, Đán picked up a few beautiful autumn leaves. He placed them in the basket underneath the stroller’s seat and told me, “Daddy, don’t lose these leaves OK. I am going to give them to mommy.” I replied, “I promise. You’re such a sweet boy.”

We went to the playground for about an hour. On the way back home, the boy came up to the stroller and took the leaves. Đán told the boy those are his present for his mom. The boy refused to return and took off. Đán chased after him. With the stroller, I could not run. Đán caught up with him and grabbed the leaves. As they pulled, the leaves shattered into pieces. I could see on Đán’s face that those were not just any ordinary leaves. They meant a lot to him. They were for his mom, but they were ruined.

He pushed the boy away. The boy went nuts. He ran right into Đán and punched Đán right on his nose. The anger on the boy’s face I have never seen before. I freaked out. I put the brake on the stroller, ran toward them, and pulled them apart. Blood was gushing down Đán’s nose. I was horrified and I could have slapped the taste out of the boy’s mouth, but I controlled myself. I said to him, “What you just did was really bad.” He cried the whole way home as I pushed the stroller with one hand and tried to stop the bleeding on Đán’s nose with the other.

As soon as we got home, the boy cried louder and told his mom that I said he was a bad boy. His mom hugged him and calmed him down. She didn’t say a word to Đán and didn’t even bother to see if he was OK.

I am not sure why I didn’t write down this incident at the time. The details are still clear in my head. Not his bloody nose, but the devastated look on Đán’s face when the leaves were ripped apart has never escaped my mind. I understood the feeling of something you treasured shattered in front of your eyes. I could never forgive myself for my inability to keep the leaves safe like I had promised my son.

With Xuân being too young, I hardly get to interact with Đạo and Đán when we go out together. As a result, I wanted to spend one-on-one time with each of the boy. On Tuesday night, I asked them who wanted to go out with me tomorrow and they both raised their hand. I explained to them that one can go this week and the other one can go next week. Đán said, “OK, Đạo can go first.” Then Đạo said, “But it wouldn’t be as fun without Đán.” I suggested that all three of us go and they both agreed.

My one-on-one plan failed, but we had fun. I took them to their favorite spot, Bon Chon Chicken, for dinner. Then we headed to Chuck E. Cheese’s for some gaming. After that, We hit the library to check out some books. Đạo asked me to help him find books on the Titanic. I pointed him to the information desk and asked for help. He told me to come alone and I told him to go by himself. He took Đán with him. They had a bunch of books. I think Đán took them out just so he could use the self-checkout machine.

They behaved rather well the entire time. I asked them if they would like to do this again. Đạo said yes but “poor mommy had to stay home. Maybe we can stay home and take care of Xuân so she could have some time alone.” What a lovely thought.

At this point we all need some time out to calm our mind. Except for last night, I have not slept much since Sunday. I need time to figure out the way forward. Spending the next four days and nights together is not going to resolve the situation. Since the kid is already feeling uncomfortable around our kids, why do we want to put him through it?

All I am suggesting is that we need some time off. Give the kid a chance to build his confident and feel comfortable. At the same time, we need the time to talk to our kids about bullying. I was bullied from fifth grade and throughout middle school. I was called “Ching chong” and all the racist Asian terms out there. I was pushed and shoved for standing up for myself. I never brought it up to my mom because I afraid it would hurt her. One time I got punched, fought back, and got suspended; therefore, I could not hide it from her. I did not know that fighting back could also cause me a three-day suspension. I cried during the three days and my grades dropped drastically at the end of that quarter. After that incident, I made a promised to myself that I will not let them beat me academically even if they could beat me physically.

From my own first-hand experience of being bullied, I thought I understood bullying. I would hate to see my kids turning into bullies; therefore, I still need to find the line for bullying. Is saying “If you don’t say ‘wow’ to our baby then we won’t say ‘wow’ to your baby” considered bullying? Is that statement worth crying out loud? Do the parents need to step in to defend that? All these issues needed to be worked out.

I am not trying to avoid the situation. They are cousins and I can’t separate them forever. From summer vacation to family reunion, there will be plenty of time for them to be together. Now is not the time. Everyone is too emotional. I am writing this blog post means that I am too. I don’t want to spend four days and nights watching the kids’ every move to make sure that our kids won’t make the other kid upset and to make sure that the parents aren’t jumping at the kids’ throat. Why putting everyone through misery?

I proposed that we treat it like playdates. One or two hours a week until the kid feel comfortable again. I don’t see that as avoiding the problem.

Ba đã quá hèn nhát nên đã không lên tiếng khi tụi con bị người lớn vì bênh vực con mình mà đã giận dữ với tụi con. Thậm chí cả ba cũng rầy la tụi con khi thấy con người ta khóc. Người ta thương yêu con họ hơn ba yêu thương tụi con. Ba vì sợ mếch lòng người lớn nên đã yên lặng.

Nhưng ba rất hảnh diện khi thấy tụi con bị đối xử như vậy mà vẫn không khóc. Cuộc đời này là vậy đó con. Trong tương lai con sẽ còn gặp nhiều chuyện khó khăn hơn. Nếu con có nghị lực sẽ không ai có thể đánh gục tụi con. Cha mẹ sẽ không lúc nào cũng ở bên con. Nên tụi con phải mạnh dạn lên. Đừng để thiên hạ làm tổn thương đến con.

Be resilient, my sons.

As their kid became more sensitive, especially when he was around our kids, the parents saw our boys as bullies. They sought out advice from other parents. Without knowing our kids, other parents told them to jump in immediately to intervene when their kid being bullied.

Instead of coming to us to raise their concerns about our kids, they took it upon themselves to deal with our kids. If they were to use the opportunity to teach them about bullying then I would have appreciated their effort. Instead they immediately jumped to defend their boy whenever he got upset. At first they raised their voice a little. When my kid said “You are mean,” their kid didn’t get a chance to respond, the mother replied, “He is not mean. How is he mean? That’s not nice to say.” Although I did notice the tone was a bit upsetting, I did not respond. Then it continued to escalate to yelling and grabbing. In retrospect, I should have spoken up. I have too much respect for them and I didn’t want to cause any friction within the family.

Their interventions did not helped their kid because he learned that his parents will defend him no matter what he did. As he got more sensitive, the attacks gotten more vicious to our kids to the point that I needed to straighten up the parents even if it has to fracture our relationships.

Now that we recognized the issue, I hope that we can work together to help the kids have a better, friendlier relationship. Family gathering should be fun, not stressful. They are at the age now that they can play on their own. I don’t want to have to hover them all the time to make sure that no one is crying or upsetting. Since they haven’t beat each other to the pulp yet, we can still help them overcome their conflicts. We just need to step back and give them space.

Adam Gopnik:

Child rearing is an art, and what makes art art is that it is doing several things at once. The trick is accepting limits while insisting on standards. Character may not be malleable, but behavior is. The same parents can raise a dreamy, reflective girl and a driven, competitive one—the job is not to nurse her nature but to help elicit the essential opposite: to help the dreamy one to be a little more driven, the competitive one to be a little more reflective.

Gopnik concludes:

Nothing works in child rearing because everything works. If kids are happy and absorbed, in the flow, that’s all we can ask of them, in Berlin or in Brooklyn. Nothing works in the long run, but the mistake lies in thinking that the long run is the one that counts.

When a parent got upset, grabbed your son’s arm, and spoke to your kid in an angry tone, you needed to address it. For the sake of family relationship, I had stayed silence, but the progression has escalated. As soon as their kid got upset, the parents rushed in to defend. I had no problem if the parents use the moment to teach the kids about conflict. I have a problem when the parents defended their own kid by yelling at the other kids. My concern is when the parents get upset, yelling, and then grabbing. What’s next? Punching? Even though I understand that the family dynamics will change forever, I needed to intervene to avoid the violence.

I proposed that all of the parents take a step back and let the kids work out the conflicts themselves. If they can play together then they can solve the issues together. At age 6 to 8, they can communicate among themselves. When they get out of hand then we would step in. Stepping in doesn’t mean yelling or grabbing the other kids and defend your own.

I want the kids to work things out themselves and not having to depend on the parents. The other parent didn’t agree because he felt that his kid always got picked on. Isn’t the whole point for the parents to step back is to let the kids learn to defend themselves? We can’t be there for our kids every second. If the parents want to defend their own kid then I would have to step in as well. The kids’ conflicts then become the family’s conflicts. That would be ugly.

I understand that the love and the emotional attachment make it hard for the parents to step back. We are in the age of “my child is above all.” I have assessed my own emotion to see if my feeling has taken over my thinking and reasoning. Am I being too dramatic over the situation? I have come to the conclusion that I am not because I am fine with letting the kids handle their own issues. I am fine with letting the parents handle the situation fairly. I am not OK with the parents yelling and grabbing the other kids in order to defend their own. The line is drawn when the adults can’t control their emotion and get upset with the other kids. Adult can get upset, but they simply can’t channel their angriness on the kids.

Since we could not come to an agreement and the other parent could not offer any suggestion, the temporary solution is avoid conflicts. I don’t want to separate the kids because they have been together since they were born, but it is better than becoming a family issue. We can change the kids, but we can’t change the parents.

Annie Pfeifer:

Kids don’t live in a bubble, so why do we try to shelter them from conflict? One of the earliest lessons you learn at school is about the boundless cruelty of other children. And that bullies can win. Yet contrary to these early playground lessons in realpolitik, children are consistently taught to avoid conflict by well-meaning parents, teachers and caregivers because that’s how we want the world to work. We raise our children in gilded playpens, shielding them from criticism and alternative views.

Mr. Trump has convinced me to give my daughter some tough love. To expose her to critical opinions, to make her listen to views she might not like or agree with. I don’t want her to lose it when somebody like Donald Trump is elected. More than anything, I want her to be able to defend herself and fight back.

I want my daughter to learn to say no confidently and unapologetically. Dealing with conflict is also about standing up for yourself as a woman, whether a man is talking over you at a meeting or trying to engage in unwanted sexual behavior. If we learn early how to have difficult or uncomfortable conversations up front, we don’t need others to fill in the gaps, make our decisions or read our minds. But if we can’t stand up to conflict, we risk becoming the snowflakes that the Donald Trumps and the wagging tongues on the right make us out to be.

Great parenting advice. I need to have this uncomfortable conversation with the parents. We need to backoff and let the kids work out their conflicts. They are old enough now to communicate on their own without our intervention. As parents, we tend to be emotional when our kids cry even for nothing critical.

Nowadays Đạo and Đán play together most of the time; therefore, I just sit back and observe. When I hear a funny line, I try to write it down. For instance, here is what Đán said to Đạo: “Why can’t I have a normal brother like everyone else?” or “Why can’t I have a brother that’s nice and not weird.” His impression of Charlie Brown is just hilarious.

The other day, we were at my sister-in-law’s house and the kids played Thomas trains together. Khôi chastised Xuân for not playing the way that he wanted. Đạo schooled him, “Khôi, you are being mean to my little brother. He is a baby. Would you like it if I am being mean to your baby brother?” Khôi stopped being mean to Xuân and I didn’t have to step in. My approach is that I let the kids work it out unless they get into a physical fight. Some parents jump in to defend their own kids by yelling at other kids without giving them a chance to talk things out.

As for little Xuân, he is picking up the speed fast and he is not even two yet. I don’t even have to feed him. When he got hungry, he simply climbed up his chair, buckled his belt, and said, “I want cơm (rice).” When he wanted more, he simply asked, “More please, cơm.” When he wanted me to help him find his toy phone, he held my hand and said, “Phone. Phone. Daddy, please help.” When he wanted to be breastfed, he took his mom’s hand and said, “Muốn bú (wanna suck).”

Đạo and Đán got into a scuffle. Đán got angry when I asked him what happened. Here’s our conversation:

Đán: Đạo said he wants to kill me.
Dad: I did not hear he say that and I am sitting right here.
Đán: Yes, he did. He’s a killer.
Dad: Why do you make up such story? And I do not want you to use that word.

I was irritated with Đán’s language and I thought he made up the story. I knew Đạo wouldn’t say such thing so I asked him what happened.

Đạo: I was playing with my train and Đán pushed my [Lego] mini figure off the train.
Dad: Did you say you will kill him?
Đạo: No, I said [to him] what if you were on the train and would you like it if I push you off?
Đán: See, he wants to push me off and kill me.
Dad: OK so you did not make up that story, but you made it way more dramatic.

Should I be worried about this? After reading this article, “Is Your Child Lying to You? That’s Good,” I am a bit relief. Alex Stone writes:

Why do some children start lying at an earlier age than others? What separates them from their more honest peers? The short answer is that they are smarter.

He goes on:

Other research has shown that the children who lie have better “executive functioning skills” (an array of faculties that enable us to control our impulses and remain focused on a task) as well as a heightened ability to see the world through other people’s eyes, a crucial indicator of cognitive development known as “theory of mind.” … Young liars are even more socially adept and well adjusted, according to recent studies of preschoolers.

I sure hope these studies reliable.