It hurt when my wife talked nicer to other people than to me. Our marriage has come to the point where anything I say annoys the heck out of her. Last evening, she told me that she was feeling sick. I asked her why and she flipped out: “What do you mean why? I don’t know why. I am just feeling sick. Do you have to know why?” Maybe I was asking the wrong question, but I was genuinely concerned. I wanted to know what caused her to feel sick. Did she come down with a cold or a flu? Was it because of a lack of sleep? She just came back from the dentist. Did she have an extraction or a crown that made her sick? Just a simple question that could make her furious. If I didn’t say anything at all, she would say I don’t care.
Nowadays, she yells at me like I am one of her kids. I miss her soft voice and gentle tone when we first met. She used to laugh at my jokes. These days, my jokes have become either satirical or mockery. I have been pondering how we got here. It’s my fault that I have turned a sweet lady into a cantankerous wife. I wish I could turn things back, but there is nothing I can do to right my wrong. I have become a thorn in her eyes. Without telling me that I am lazy, she often hinted at how I didn’t do anything around the house. On weekdays, I went to work, came home and took the kids out to ice skating or rollerblading. Would she rather have them sit in front of the screen and play video games instead? When we started skating, she was the one that pushed me to take them. I hesitated at first, but I was hooked when I put on those skates. On weekends, the kids had activities like Scouting or ice hockey, which required me to be out. I mowed the lawn every two or three weeks and tried to fix things around the house. When she did the laundry, I folded the clothes and put them away.
I had always been grateful that she cooked for us. I helped out by doing the dishes or giving the kids a bath. It was not like I just sat around and did nothing all day. Still, my efforts were never enough. When we were on vacation, for example, she often cooked for everyone including her brother’s and sister’s family. She not only cooked, but also served everyone. I felt guilty and asked her not to serve me anymore. I can do it myself. Even our kids, I made them serve themselves and help set the table.
She is a caring daughter, kind sister, loving mother, and a wonderful wife. Unfortunately, I have failed to bring her joy and happiness. She has become grumpier and crankier. I understand raising four boys isn’t easy. I struggle everyday, but we can do it together. I apologize for my shortcomings. I apologize for not holding up my end of the bargain. I apologize for being a shitty husband. I don’t apologize, however, for loving her. Maybe I don’t know how to love her or how to show my love to her, but I love her from the bottom of my heart. I hope underneath all the harshness and bitterness, she still has some love left for me as well. I am not going anywhere unless she wants me to.