I just woke up from a dark, twisted, fucked-up dream. There was a funeral for me and I was still alive. Except for my sons, my family members were there to watch me take my own life. There were two planks. One with pointed metal straps for my neck, arms, and legs. One with a bamboo mat placed over and a red pillow with white powder. The powder would make me go to sleep in eternity.

My wife picked the latter and told me that one wouldn’t cut my neck. I thanked her and lay down to rest. As I closed my eyes and started to feel drowsy, I realized that she still cared about me. Then I thought about my kids. Why the fuck am I committing suicide when I still have to raise my kids? I got up and brushed the powder off my face.

What led to my suicidal ceremony was something hurtful I said to someone in our family. I suppose my brain was relaying what I had thought and written about yesterday.

Just to be clear. I do not have any suicidal thoughts. I am in no way of harming myself. I do not feel depressed. In contrast, my life is great. I have a wonderful family. My career is going fine. I love skiing, skating, and rollerblading. I enjoy a glass of wine every night, but I am not an alcoholic. I am trying to live my life because I never know when it is my time to go. I just had an absolute nightmare. I write it out so it doesn’t stay in my head.

I was looking forward to reading Vietnamese traditional folktales in English. Disappointedly, the English translations were so dense that the spellbinding essence of the folk stories didn’t come through. The English stories sounded foreign and stilted. For instance, the idiomatic expression of “Ăn chưa no, lo chưa tới” was translated simply as “carefree” or “Cái nết đánh chết cái đẹp” was translated as “Beauty is only skin-deep.” The literal translations would have been more helpful for language learners.

I was on winter break for the past three weeks; therefore, I hadn’t had a chance to listen to podcasts. I am now catching up on some Fresh Air interviews. One particular interview, in which Terry Gross talked with Jamie Raskin, caught my attention. Gross asked Raskin about his son, Tommy, who committed suicide.

Tommy was a smart, funny, progressive young man who went to Harvard Law School. Toward the end of his college years, Tommy fell into depression and obsessive anxiety. He wondered if he had hurt someone’s feelings by what he had said to them. These thoughts obsessed him to the point that he took his own life.

I said a number of not-so-nice things to people in their face and wrote unpleasant words about people on this blog. Those were my thoughts at the moment. I might hurt their feelings and I apologize. I wish I could take back my words, but I can’t. If people can’t get over my words then fuck them. I won’t let these thoughts get me to the place where I would end my life.

If you are a good friend who has a problem with me, let’s get in touch and rekindle our friendship. If you are a family member who has an issue with me, let’s talk and reconnect our relationship. If you don’t want to, I am totally fine. When I was younger, I was obsessed with pleasing everyone one. I wanted everyone to like me or love me. I lived in fear and depression. Now that I am getting older, I just don’t give a fuck anymore.

Through her impressive collection, Geraldine Woods, a language enthusiast, shows us the power of the sentences. Drawing from a wide and diverse range of examples, from writers to poets to musicians to presidents, Woods digs deep into the intentions behind the sentences so that we can appreciate their greatness. An enlightening read.

We went back to Groundtop for the second time on Saturday. When we arrived around noon, the resort was already crowded. People broke out their grill to make hamburgers, hot dogs, and burritos right in the parking lot. They must be local skiers.

The lines for the lifts were long; therefore, I took Vương to the magic carpet. He skied for three rounds and didn’t want to do it anymore. I went with the older boys on the blue terrain. After Đạo and Đán took off, I paralleled down the first deep slope and waited for Xuân. He came down for a bit, but hesitated to continue. Luckily, I spotted two ski patrols rescuing someone else and asked for help. One of them called other patrols and two more came to guide Xuân down to me. After that we skied together all the way down.

Later on I went to the black trail with Đán. He only started snowboarding not too long ago and he could already get around the black slope. With more snow, the black slopes were more difficult than before. There were more hills and holes. The first time I navigated my way down, I fell into a deep hole. The second time, I avoided it and made my way down. It was so much fun. I wanted to do more, but the kids were tired, especially Vương.

We canceled today’s trip because of freezing rain. The kids also needed to get some rest to return to school tomorrow after three weeks off. I also needed to get back to work after three and a half weeks off. It had been a joyful winter break thanks to the snow.

We went back to Whitetail reopening yesterday. It was crowded. I only skied three times yesterday on the green slope with Đạo, Đán, and Xuân. The rest of the time, I spent running along with Vương on the bunny slope.

He was using a used pair of skis I bought for $20. When I brought it to the ski store to have it tuned up, the technician insisted that he could not work on the binding and insisted that we should replace it. The new binding cost $90—plus $30 for the tune up. After the service, the skis still looked in good condition.

The length of the skis is 90 cm, which is a bit too long for Vương. It is perfect for Xuân, but he is already using a set we rented for him for the entire season. When Vương first tried out skiing for the first time at Attitash in New Hampshire, we rented a pair that was only 78-cm long. In addition, the bunny slope at Attitash was much smaller than the one in Whitetail. As a result, he was using a longer pair of skis and on a faster slope, but he didn’t know how to stop. Instead of plowing down the slope in a zigzag path, he paralleled straight down the slopes. I had to run alongside him and hold his jacket to slow him down or I had to run ahead of him to catch him when he sped up. It was exhausting for me, but he enjoyed it. He loved riding the magic carpet.

Next time, maybe today, I will try to ski along with him to see if it is better. We’re planning on going skiing again today and tomorrow before the kids go back to school and I go back to work. After three weeks of winter break, it will be difficult for all of us to go back.

I took Xuân to ice skating because he was the only one who wanted to join me. I no longer made my kids come along if they didn’t want to. Even though Xuân hadn’t skated for a month, he still had his chops. We worked on his outside 3-turns, inside mohawks, and hockey stops, but he could do higher-level moves like spirals, lounges, and bunny hops. He will finish with Gamma class in three weeks. I wish he would continue into Delta, but he already wanted to quit.

I didn’t do much with Freestyle 3 on my own. Instead of learning new techniques, I returned to the power pulls, something I hadn’t been able to accomplish on one foot. As I was practicing the power pulls, I connected the dots to short turns for skiing. I realized that the parallels, the edges, and the movements were exactly the same. The postures were a bit different; therefore, I imagined holding the poles in my hands instead of moving my arms side to side. I also envisioned myself skiing down a bunny slope instead of an ice skating rink. I kept my feet parallel, bent my knees, and pulled from left to right. I did that for half an hour straight and I could feel the burn on my legs. I can’t wait to apply the techniques to skiing.

Skiing and skating are starting to make sense to me how they can be related. I love these three sports (skiing, figure skating, and rollerblading) and I hope to keep pushing myself to stay active. These sports have saved me from depression, stress, and addiction. They keep my mind strong, creative, and clear. These sports have brought the athletic side out of me that I thought I didn’t have. I might have discovered them too late, but better late than never.

Sunday evening, as we wrapped up our winter break and prepared for the kids to return to schools, we were notified that schools would be closed on Monday due to inclement weather. The kids jumped and screamed for joy.

We woke up on Monday morning with a blanket of snow covering our ground. We dressed the kids in ski outfits and made a bunny slope in our backyard. We skied and snowboarded until lunchtime. After a quick lunch, which was around 1 pm, the snow stopped falling.

With the kids’ help, I shoveled our minivans and the front porch. After the kids went inside to play video games, my wife and I continued to shovel the sidewalk and driveway. We finished around 5pm and were alerted that schools would be closed again on Tuesday. The kids jumped and screamed for joy again as I announced that we would go skiing on Tuesday.

I woke up early on Tuesday to prepare for our ski trip at Bryce Resort. Because the weather was still cold, my wife backed out. She stayed home with Vương. I took Đạo, Đán, and Xuân with me. The drive was two hours and we didn’t arrive until 11:30 am. There was still plenty of time for us to ski. Đạo and Đán took off on their own. I went with Xuân. We started out on the green terrain, which Xuân could plow down with ease. Then all four of us tried out the blue terrain. To my surprise, Xuân didn’t fall at all on the blue slopes. He even skied faster than me.

I started to work on my short turns. I could do fine on the green slopes, but still needed to make wider turns on the blue slopes. My goal is to master my short turns by the end of this winter. Bryce Resort is a perfect place to practice. Its green terrain was long and its blue terrain was not too difficult. Kids under six years old didn’t need a lift ticket; therefore, Xuân was free. I just had to pay for Đạo, Đán, and myself since Bryce is not part of the Epic pass.

As we were skiing and snowboarding, I checked the time and it was already 3:40pm. The last lift would be 4:30pm. Four of us took one lift together. Then the kids decided to play with the snow so I went by myself on the blue slopes. Đạo and I took the last lift together.

As we were about to head back home around 5pm, I received another text message that schools will be closed again tomorrow. The kids jumped and screamed for joy again. We might head back tomorrow for another ski day. What can I say? I love skiing.

A collection of personal stories that took readers into the Cambodian-American community. So was a gifted storyteller who didn’t shy away from sharing his sexuality. His stories were honest, heartfelt, and hilarious. Being a gay Cambodian American, So offered such a unique voice and perspective. My heart crushed to learn that he had died at the age of 28 due to an overdose.

I went back to the ice skating rink for the first time in two weeks. I went alone because none of my kids wanted to join me. The rink was super crowded. I couldn’t find a space to practice or to learn new moves; therefore, I just skated around the rink. As I observed parents skating with their kids, I envied them. I skated for about half an hour and left the rink.

Last night, I spoke to my sister’s ex-boyfriend. He phoned me once a year to catch up. We talked about children and he praised me for making the time to hang out with my kids. He regretted that he was too busy making money and didn’t pay attention to his kids. His daughter didn’t speak to him for three years. She told him and his wife that they never made time for her when she was younger. All they cared about was making money. He realized his mistake, but it was too late. His daughter is in college now and he is trying to spend time with her. I consoled him that it is never too late to make time for his kids.

After talking to him, I realized that we had the opposite problem. I wanted to provide my kids the opportunities to find something they would be passionate about. They picked up ice skating fast and leveled up their skills, but they had completely lost interest in it. They didn’t want to take lessons. They didn’t want to practice. They didn’t want to go skating just for fun. I made them go a couple of times. They went, but skated for ten minutes and just sat out.

We tried rollerblading. They liked going to skateparks at first, but then showed no sign of interest. Asking them to go to skateparks with me was like forcing them to do their assignments. I stopped asking and went myself.

They tried learning ice hockey. They seemed to like it, but then their heart was not in it. I didn’t see any reason to continue if we kept wasting our money. Ice hockey is not an affordable sport.

They are into skiing and snowboarding now, but I am sure they will start to lose interest in them soon. I can recognize the pattern by now.

The only thing that they have been consistently excited about is video games. They would sit and play all day if I let them. They would lose their minds if I ban them. All of the efforts I had been making to draw their attention away from their screens had been useless.

It hurt and irritated me to see them glue to their screens. Maybe I should just stop trying and let them do what they want. In retrospect, my mother did not watch over my every move. She let me decide what to do with my life. Then again, I wished my parents exposed me to these sports when I was a kid. Because I didn’t play any sport, I lacked athletic confidence. I was afraid to try out anything until my wife pushed me to do them with our kids. Now I am more into these sports than my kids.