A reader writes:

I greatly enjoy reading your blog, but alas do not speak Vietnamese. Do you, by any chance, publish a feed that contains only your English-language articles?

I completely understand the inconvenience or annoyance for people to subscribe to my RSS Feed with the content they cannot read. The posts are so intertwined now, I do not know how to separate them. I wish Google does a better job of translating Vietnamese into English, but it is pretty bad right now.

To be honest, I haven’t thought about it when I started to blog in Vietnamese. Almost three decades of living in America and focusing on learning English, I needed to pick up my native language again. My fifth-grade Vietnamese has become worst and I needed to practice. This blog is the perfect space for it. I didn’t know I was going to write that much in Vietnamese, but I had and someone has noticed.

When I incorporated Vietnamese into my blog, I struggled whether I should write in English or Vietnamese every time I wanted to write a blog post. If I write in Vietnamese, I would alienate my English readers. If I write in English, I won’t get any practice. Would the topic I am about to write better to be written in English or Vietnamese?

Vietnamese was a bit tougher to write because I had to figure out all the diacritical marks on my keyboard. In addition, my Vietnamese spelling was horrendous. In the beginning I didn’t care because I didn’t think anyone would pay attention. Thankfully, I had received a handful of emails suggesting that I check my spelling. My wife’s uncle wrote me a long note to tell me that the glaring errors would reflect who I am. As a result, I have to start paying attention. Every word I am unsure, I would consult Google, online dictionaries, or Vietnamese Wiktionary.

Nowadays, writing in Vietnamese is a bit easier. I still look up words, but I am getting better. I am also no longer struggling with which post to write in Vietnamese or English. Like choosing between Photoshop and Illustrator to accomplish a design solution, I know exactly which language is best to communicate my ideas. I write in Vietnamese on topics that are related to my Vietnamese roots such as personal stories of my childhood, Vietnamese music and books, and Vietnamese-related cultures. I can also write about them in English, which I did in the past, but Vietnamese language brings me closer to my root.

My intention is not to alienate English readers, but I am a product of bilingual. This blog is a representation of the two languages I have come to love so dearly and they have become inseparable in my heart and mind.

Lâu nay tôi vẫn tự trách mình không sống bên mẹ để lo lắng cho bà lúc ở tuổi già. Mỗi lần nói chuyện qua điện thoại nghe mẹ đau chân, tôi đứt cả ruột. Nghe mẹ than phiền về hai bà chị tôi cũng xót xa. Hết giận hờn chị Hai rồi cãi cọ với chị Ba. Mẹ tự trách con cái không ai có hiếu với bà cả. Mẹ thường bảo rằng, “Phải chi ba mày còn ở đây không về Việt Nam, tao dọn ra riêng không cần ở với thằng nào con nào cả.” Tôi đau lòng lắm và cố gắng không nói điều gì khiến cho mẹ buồn thêm. Mấy lần tôi thăm dò ý mẹ có muốn ở với gia đình tôi không thì bà úp úp mở mở.

Hôm nay trò chuyện với mẹ qua điện thoại, tôi bỗng nhiên hỏi, “Má có muốn dọn lên ở với tụi con không?” Mẹ trả lời, “Ở với mày một lần tao sợ rồi.” Tôi ngạc nhiên nên hỏi lại, “Sao vậy?” Mẹ đáp, “Lúc trước ở với mày, mày muốn lấy vợ, mày đuổi tao về Việt Nam.” Câu nói của mẹ khiến tôi chết điếng cả người như bị mũi tên vô hình đâm thẳng vào tim tôi. Tôi nghẹn ngào không nói được một lời. Có lẽ bà cảm giác được sự yên lặng của tôi nên nói tiếp, “Nói vậy thôi chứ ở đây quen bác sĩ rồi dọn lên đó không biết bác sĩ mới ra sao.” Tôi không thể nào ngờ được nhưng cũng hỏi lại, “Con đuổi má thật sao?” Mẹ đáp, “Mày quên rồi nhưng tao nhớ suốt đời.” Không biết nói gì tôi chỉ trả lời, “Cám ơn má đã cho con biết con là thằng con khốn nạn như thế nào. Thôi con đi đón con con. Hôm khác nói chuyện.”

Cúp điện thoại đầu óc tôi như bị kim đâm. Câu nói của mẹ như cháy vào đầu óc của tôi. Tôi thật sự không nhớ đã nói gì hay đã làm gì nhưng nếu tôi đã có ý định như thế thì tôi còn thua loài thú. Ít ra thú vật cũng chẳng bao giờ đuổi mẹ nó để theo gái. Tuy tôi bất hiếu không thể lo lắng cho mẹ, tôi không thể nào tin nổi tôi là hạn người tồi tệ đến thế. Tôi không còn mặt mũi hay lương tâm nào nữa để gặp lại mẹ. Dù có muôn ngàn lời xin lỗi cũng không thể nào bù lấp được. Tôi đã khiến mẹ ôm hận mười mấy năm qua còn tôi sẽ ân hận suốt cuộc đời.

Lúc mới qua Mỹ tôi rất sợ buồn nên thích được sống chung với nhiều người. Sau khi chị tôi lấy chồng, chỉ còn tôi với mẹ sống trong căn nhà trọ nhỏ. Mẹ tối ngày quanh quẩn trong bếp nên tôi cũng lẻ lời.

Thời gian sau khi vợ chồng chị mua nhà rủ tôi và mẹ về ở chung tôi rất mừng. Ít nhất nhà có bốn người và tôi rất quý anh rể. Chẳng may đó là sự sai lầm. Lúc đầu thì vui nhưng sự xích mích giữa mẹ và anh rể ngày ngày bộc lộ. Ngày này sang tháng nọ từ chuyện nhỏ đưa đến chuyện to đã đưa đến sự đổ vỡ hạnh phúc của gia đình chị. Tôi vẫn hối hận về cái ly dị của anh chị.

Từ đó tôi rút ra được một bài học rằng sống chung với những người không ruột thịt không đơn giản như tôi đã từng nghĩ. Giờ đây tôi đang sống cùng mẹ vợ. Đã gần mười năm nhưng tình cảm giữa mẹ vợ và tôi vẫn không thay đổi. Có lẽ mẹ vợ không khó bằng mẹ ruột và tôi không mặt cảm như anh rể.

Giờ đây tôi cũng ngại khi phải sống với người ngoài hoặc anh em cột chèo. Tôi sợ nhất là họ thấy được bên trong của gia đình tôi. Không biết vợ chồng ai sao nhưng vợ chồng tôi có lúc cũng cãi cọ la hét nhau từ việc con cái đến việc nhà cửa. Và như thế càng lớn tôi càng muốn một cuộc sống thầm lặng. Tiệc tùng không còn phù hợp với tuổi già nửa. Chỉ cần có vợ thủ thỉ, có rượu vang ngon, có sách hay, và có blog để tâm sự và quá đủ.

The last time we talked was almost five years ago. He wanted to spend the weekend at our house, but my kids and I were sick. I asked him to come another time when we weren’t sick. He must of thought I made up an excuse and hanged up the phone on me. I thought we would get over it in a few weeks or few months.

I thought about him yesterday and was going to call, but I hesitated. I guess our friendship was expired. I missed the good old time we had. He and I had nothing in common except for food and hip-hop. We could eat chicken wings and listening to 90’s hip-hop all day. We were tight, which could step over the line.

In one particular incident, what he did still haunt and enrage me today. We were at another friend’s house. Even though I knew the friend well, I had never been to his house. The friend’s stepdad was a white man who loved guns. He had guns locked up in the case as well as a few laying around. As we walked into a living room, he picked up a shotgun on the coach and pointed to my head. I was dead serious when I asked him to put it down and do not pull the trigger. Because we were close and too comfortable with each other, he did not see the seriousness in me. He pulled the trigger and I felt the air hitting my temple.

I knew he was just fucking around and he knew the gun had no bullet. Even though I was also 99 percent sure that the gun had no bullet, I was not comfortable with someone putting a gun to my head, especially a close friend. He still thought it was just a joke and probably had forgotten it. As for me, I forgave but never forgot. That day had put a huge dent on our friendship. As much as I wanted to renew our friendship, the incident still leaves me sour. Maybe I should just let it expired.

Hôm qua mùng một Tết, người lớn nghỉ làm, người nhỏ nghỉ học, cả gia đình dành một ngày đón Xuân. Sáng cả nhà ăn bánh tét chiên với củ kiệu dưa món và nghe nhạc Xuân. Bé Xuân thích nhất bài, “Xuân đã về” vì bài hát có tên của nó. Ba năm trước Xuân sinh ra cũng vào mùng một Tết nên tôi đặt tên cho nó là “Việt Xuân.” Dĩ nhiên chữ Xuân không dễ để người nước ngoài phát âm nhưng giờ đây ở nhà trẻ ai cũng biết đến Xuân cả. Khi nghe cha mẹ, thầy cô, và bạn bè gọi Xuân, tôi vui thầm.

Đến trưa nắng xuân ấm cúng, cả nhà đi viếng mộ ông ngoại rồi ghé qua chùa Pháp Vương lễ Phật. Vì ngày thường nên chùa vắng vẻ nên không khí nhẹ nhàng. Sau đó cả nhà đi ăn trưa với nhau. Rồi thì ra về ghé tiệm bánh Hàn Quốc mua một cái bánh kem nhỏ để chúc mừng ngày sinh nhật của Xuân.

Đón Xuân của chúng tôi chỉ thế thôi. Không sôi nổi cũng không náo nhiệt. Chỉ cần có một ngày cả gia đình được ở bên nhau là quý rồi. Hy vọng sau này mỗi năm Xuân về các con dù có bận rôn cũng dành một ngày đón xuân với gia đình.

I don’t trust Facebook, and yet I am complicit in using it. Despite knowing its misuse of privacy, I still feed the monster my kids’ photos and videos. I have thought of quitting many times, but I simply can’t shut off my connection with close friends and family members, particularly my parents. If I have the opportunity to see them I would, but it is not always possible. I visit my mom and my sister once or twice a month. I only get to see my dad and my family in Vietnam probably once every 10 years. I am suck and awkward at socializing in real life with friends. As a result, Facebook is still next best thing to stay in touch.

I talk to my mom almost everyday during my drive home from work and she always complimented on the latest photo or video of my kids I posted on Facebook. It makes me happy that she gets to see her grandchildren almost on the daily basis even though we live miles and miles away. My dad in Vietnam also gets a chance to look at his grandsons and they make him happy.

I understand that Facebook isn’t the place to share photos and videos, but it is the only place that my parents can access digital content. So if I overwhelm your feed with baby pictures, please ignore or unfriend me. In the past few days, I reduced my list to family members and friends I know. If you are still here, thank you for all the likes, loves, and positive comments. I truly appreciate them.

I also want to make it clear that these posts do not capture the whole picture. I am absolutely guilty of posting only the good part and leave off the not-so-good part. I am not a great dad as several of you have complimented. I have my share of bad parenting moments. I usually write about them on my blog.

I don’t know how long I will keep my Facebook active. I do hope Mark Zuckerberg and his team get their act together. If not, I will be out. But for know, I am giving Facebook a benefit of a doubt.

When Vương was born last year, I took five weeks paternity leave. In addition to changing his diapers and helping out my wife after her C-section, I did some work around the house like constantly doing the laundry and fixing up things that I could not get to when I was working. When I told her that I was able to accomplish those things when I was at home, I was not suggesting that she was not doing anything else at a work-from-home mother. I understand her workloads and I was not expecting her to do the housework. Somehow sharing what I did implying something else about her. I come from the south (of Vietnam); therefore, I do not beat around the bush. I tell her exactly how I feel and I do not have to make any indirect attack. She should know that by now. I did not think anything negative about her. I complained about clutters, but I was not blaming her. I contributed and am responsible for the messiness. l have tremendous respect for what she has done for me and the kids. I did not expect her to taking care of everything.

When we took a week vacation after New Year to relax at Myrtle Beach, I thought we had a wonderful family time together. We stayed at a waterfront resort. It was nice to wake up in the morning to see the sun rise and to breathe in fresh air. We ate breakfast, spent time together with the kids, strolled along the beach, played in the indoor pools, and enjoyed reading in the hot tubs. My wife cooked some meals I did the dishes and laundry. She took care of Vương and I took care of the three kids. We played our parenting parts. It was like a stayed vacation, but far from home. I am a boring-ass motherfucker who enjoys being around his wife and sons. If we can spend time with the ones you love, why do we need to go anywhere? Sure, we could have done that at home, but we don’t get to see the beach, we don’t get to get out of the house, and we don’t get to be lazy because there is always shit to do at home. I thought it was a fantastic vacation until she told me that her role was to serve me. It stabbed me like a knife. I could understand if we served our kids, but I did not understand I was being served. If cooking meant to serve then I was happy just to order out every meal for a week. I did not know that I was being served and I did not want to be served. I believe in women’s rights and equality, and yet here I am treating my own wife like a servant. Her words hurt me tremendously. What did I do that make her feel that way? How do I change that? I feel uncomfortable and we should not take anymore family vacation like that. Let’s just do the all-inclusive package so no cooking and no serving. I am a fat motherfucker who no longer gives a shit about food. I can eat anything that is cooked. So I am not the picky one.

Last Sunday, my sister-in-law brought over some Korean BBQ. We cooked together and I had a few glasses of wine. Somehow the topic of the wall and immigration came up and we got into a heated debate. Somehow my wife got mad at me for calling Vietnamese Americans who voted for Trump stupid. I had to explain that I was not calling them stupid. I just said that they were misinformed and voted for a “fucking moron.” That does not imply that they are the fucking morons. If they want to listen to Vietnamese right-wing media and voted for, that’s thier choice. I just hope that they realize that they hurt their own community when they thought that Trump would fight for them but instead he wanted to deport our own people. As I was doing the dishes after dinner, I realized I was a fucking moron myself. Why did I jeopardize our relationship over this shit? Although she was a good sport, I made sure we were still cool and that she won’t divorce me over the fucking wall. I asked her to do me a favor. The next time I have some wine and started to talk politics, just tell me to shut the fuck up.

We have been married for over a decade; therefore, I can tell when something is up. To find something’s wrong, all I have to say is “I love you.” Her reply would be “No, you don’t.” Then she would tell me all the shit I have done wrong months ago. (I am spilling out my secret here, but it works every time.) We have our differences, but I do not have any regrets about our marriage. I am sure she has a few about me, but I hope they are not enough to leave my sorry ass. To me, she is still amazing. Yes, I said it again and I still mean it. I am blessed and thankful to have my wife and kids in my life everyday.

I did not set my New Year’s resolution because I knew I wouldn’t be able to live up to it. I am already failing at exercising. It is too damn cold outside for jogging or walking. I have not been able to control my eating habit. Other than beef, which gives me serious gout attack, I have been eating pretty much anything that suits my taste. I drink wine almost everyday. Beer and har liquor are on special occasions. As long as I stay off beef, my gout is under control. I am still not getting full eight hours of sleep. I still want my own time to read. I need to make that change as well.

On the positive side, I spend tons of time with my sons. We played in the snow and Monopoly. iPads are still allowed on weekends. They got me into Beyblade. It is so much fun and competitive. I am so glad that my current job allows me the time to be with them. I sympathize parents who have to work faraway and only get to see their kids on the weekends. I don’t think I can do that. They are changing almost everyday. Our little Vương is three months now and he is different everyday. His movements, his smiles, his stares, his rollovers, his lovely cheeks, I am so blessed to witness everyday. Xuân’s verbal skills, Đán’s reading improvements, and Đạo’s creative thinking, I am so glad to be there with them even though at times I wish I can get a break.

My wife and I are on great term. She is still amazing (at everything). We worked out our differences. We talked more and argued less. For the most part, we love each other deeply (at least from my part) and we know we have tons of work ahead of us with four active boys. I don’t think life can get any better than this. So 2019 started out good even though I have not done anything to improve my damn self.

Sau ba tháng, cuối cùng cũng xin được tăng lương cho thằng lính. Nó làm khá lắm. Giúp tôi làm những công việc lặt vặt để tôi có thể tập trung vào những công việc cần nhiều thời gian hơn. Xếp của tôi cũng rất hài lòng khi giao phó công việc cho nó. Nó vừa làm vừa học nên có thể kéo dài đến hai năm. Sau đó thì tính sau.

Tôi làm ở trường này đã hơn bảy năm. Thời gian trôi qua mau quá. Công việc cũng đã ổn định. Giờ giấc cũng thoải mái. Muốn cầu tiến thì phải đi nhưng làm sau tìm được công việc mà có thể dành thời gian với con cái như bây giờ. Nghĩ đến đó thì đành phải ở lại cày tiếp. Chừng nào tụi nhỏ lớn tính sau.

Đã sang năm mới tôi vẫn không đống được Facebook. Đó vẫn là nơi để biết đến sinh hoạt của gia đình và bạn bè ở xa. Dĩ nhiên tôi vẫn lo ngại về vến đề riêng tư nhưng nếu đã dùng dến mạng rồi thì chạy đâu cho khỏi. Tôi đã bị ép vào Google và không thể nào tách ra được. Từ điện thoại đến email đến hình ảnh, và một số dịch vụ khác, tôi phải phụ thuộc vào Google. Vả lại trang blog này còn có gì mà tôi đã chưa từng nói đâu. Bỏ Facebook vẫn còn vướng vào thứ khác. Thôi thì điếc không sợ súng vậy. Chừng nào có chuyện tính sau.

Ừ thì vậy đi. Chuyện tương lai để tính sau. Bây giờ tính chuyện bây giờ.

Our last-minute getaway to Myrtle Beach turns out great. Because of the winter, the beach is empty. Although the water is too cold for swimming, the kids love splashing and playing in the sand. Then they swim in the heated indoor pool for hours.

For me, I just love waking up, walking out to the balcony, and breathing in the beach air. The getaway is intended for us to unwind so we are not planning on going anywhere. We just stay at the resort, order in, or cook a little.

The first day we got here, I had a gout attack because of all the beef and booze I consumed over the holidays. Thanks to Aleve and apple cider vinegar, I recovered just a day later. I am now back on the no-beef-no-booze diet.

The boys volunteered to leave their iPads at home after their mom told them this is a bonding-time vacation. After finding out that they actually left them at home, I was shocked and worried. Will they go crazy without the iPads? I am happy to report that they haven’t missed it. They sleep, eat, go to the beach, swim in the pool, read, watch TV, and play Monopoly. They loved Monopoly so much that we played everyday now. Last night, my wife joined us (Đạo, Đán, and me) for a game that lasted until 11 pm.

I am loving the time here. Going to the beach in the winter is super fun. I am not into swimming anyway; therefore, I don’t miss it. On the flip side, I like the emptiness of it. It’s like having a private spot for cheap. Even the indoor pools are completely empty most of the time. That might change on the weekend, but we are enjoying our time until Sunday. I can’t believe a week is almost gone already. I haven’t even finished reading a short memoir yet. I am hoping to finish up before we go back.