Since Vương was born, I used Facebook primarily to share my kids’ photos with family and friends. Although I had the app installed on my phone, I hid it along with a bunch of Apple’s native apps I never use but can’t delete. That way I didn’t have to open it, but I could still effortlessly share photos to Facebook from Google Photos.
Because of its ease of use and the number of family members on the platform, Facebook had motivated me to take more photos of my kids. When they smiled or did something fun, I captured the moment and shared. It had created a wrong impression that I am a great dad. It was not my intention to create this lie. I had my fair of frustrations as a parent, but those moments had never been captured. I yelled at my kids at times when they didn’t listen. In just the past few weeks, I received two emails from Đán’s teachers complaining about him ignoring their instructions. From banning from the iPad to talking to him about the consequences to making him promised, I did everything I could, but nothing went in his head. He continued to do what I asked him not to do.
Last night before bedtime, he fought with Xuân over a tiny stuffed animal when he had at least a dozen others. No matter what I said he insisted that he could not sleep without it. I made Xuân gave it back, which made him cried, and he left our room to sleep with his grandma. After Xuân left, he wanted me to hold him, but I refused. I told him to hold his stuffed animal since he loved so much. He started to cry and begged me to hold him, but I still didn’t budge. He left the room to sleep with his mom. With four kids, my mother-in-law, and now my brother-in-law’s wife, our four bedrooms are getting crowded. Sharing a bed with Đán and Xuân had been a nightmare. They constantly got on each other’s nerves, then they got on mine.
After they both screamed and left, I felt bad as well. My sleepiness was fucked up. The guilt of being a shitty parent made me deactivated my Facebook and deleted the app off my phone again. I couldn’t stand my own falsehood I had created on Facebook. With blogging, I am being honest with myself. I write more about my struggles than the perfect dad that I am not. No one here to judge me, or at least I don’t hear anything.