Tối qua tôi đưa Đạo và Đán đến lớp hè tiếng Việt. Sẵn dịp tôi tham dự buổi họp phụ huynh. Tôi cảm kích sự tận tình của thầy cô và nhân viên đã không ngần ngại dành thời gian quý báu thay gì đi nghỉ hè để dạy dỗ cho con cháu chúng ta. Họ yêu tiếng Việt. Đáng tiếc rằng họ chỉ yêu tiếng Việt trước năm 1975 vì họ cho biết rằng trường có sưu tầm sách tiếng Việt nhưng chỉ những sách xuất bản trước năm 1975.

Ngôn ngữ Việt ít hay nhiều cũng thay đổi theo thời gian. Nếu chỉ đọc sách trước 1975 thì con cháu chúng ta bỏ đi hết 44 năm phát triển của tiếng Việt. Theo tôi đó chỉ là sự cố chấp. Sách thì sách. Sách nào cũng có giá trị. Nếu không chấp nhận sách về chế độ sau này thì đừng sưu tập loại sách có tính chất chính trị. Còn văn hoá và văn học đọc cũng bổ ích thôi không có hại gì.

Họp xong tôi cảm thấy hơi thất vọng nhưng dù sao đi nữa tụi nhỏ học được căn bản tiếng Việt là tôi mừng rồi. Tiếng Việt cũ hay mới không thành vấn đề. Sau này nếu chúng nó có hứng thú sẽ trao dồi thêm sách vở nào cũng được.

I had a good time at Typographics. The speakers at the main event were inspiring. The experimental presentations at the TypeLab were amazing. Highlights of the conference were meeting DJR to thank him for designing his fonts with Vietnamese and catching up with good old buddy Tim. A designer from Monotype came up to me to thank me for Vietnamese Typography book. That was nice.

After the conference, our family headed to Wildwood for a week-long vacation. I took Xuân and Vương on the tram ride. The nice lady didn’t charge me a fee. She said, “Happy Father’s Day.” That was when I realized it was my day. We had a bit of a rough day with Đán. He is so misbehaving these days. Then again, I had a nice treat at the end of the day from my lovely lady.

I have not been blogging much because I am still reading Frederick Douglass’s biography. I have about 300 pages more to go. It’s an engaging book. I hope to get it done before our vacation ends. I also have been playing around with redesigning this blog. I have not settled on any design it. We’ll see.

My gout attack is going away after a week of Aleve and a bottle of apple cider vinegar. Walking had been a living hell. I can’t wait to get back to normal so I can walk to the beach and ride my bike on the boardwalk with the kids. It’s time to kick back and relax before more kids joining the place. It’s going to be chaotic. I am not looking forward to the arguing and bickering. Four boys of my own already drive me to the wall.

Hôm qua tôi làm một việc đần độn. May mà hậu quả không đến nỗi tai hại. Giờ đây tôi vẫn ân hận về việc làm đó. Đền bù lại là tôi có một ngày dành cho đứa con đầu lòng. Đã lâu lắm rồi hai cha con không có thời gian riêng với nhau. Mới đây mà nói đã mười tuổi rồi.

Chân tôi vẫn còn đau vì gout. Lần này kéo dài hơn tôi dự đoán. Ngày mai đi conference rồi mà vẫn chưa khỏi. Biết làm sao bây giờ. Đành chịu vậy. Hy vọng không phải lết lên lết xuống.

Lúc trước tôi cứ nghĩ những người nổi tiếng (trong nghệ thuật hay trong thiết kế) cũng là những người bình thường. Nhưng thật thất vọng khi họ quá phách lối. Đã vài lần như thế khiến cho tôi mất đi cảm tình. Tôi không phải là người đam mê “celebrity” nên cũng chẳng cần thiết phải làm quen với họ.

Từ 6:30 chiều cho đến 9:30 tối là những giây phút đẹp đẽ và xấu xa nhất trong ngày. Những giây phút được bên cạnh con cái cũng là những giây phút quá mệt mỏi sau những giờ làm việc. Tôi không còn đủ sức lực để làm những việc không cần thiết. Khi con ngủ rồi mới được thời gian riêng. Bây giờ gần 11 giờ đêm và tôi cũng mệt đừ. Thôi hẹn lại sau nhé.

Cuối tuần bị gout hành hạ. Uống thuốc và uống giấm táo cũng chưa hết. Vài tháng nay nhậu hơi nhiều tưởng đâu không bị ảnh hưởng. Thôi kệ có sướng có khổ. Cuộc đời mà. Phải có đắng cay. Hy vọng sẽ khỏi trước khi đi hội nghị Typographics ở New York và đi nghỉ hè ở biển Wildwood.

Gần đây ít đọc sách Việt. Đơn giản là thư viện không có sách mới. Dạo này cũng ít viết tiếng Việt nên bây giờ cố gắng để thôi quên ngôn ngữ của mình. Giờ đây mỗi lần muốn blog không biết phải dùng ngôn ngữ nào. Đó là cái lợi chứ không phải khó khăn khi biết cả hai thứ tiếng.

Tôi muốn viết về vợ tôi nhưng ngại nói là bợ đít. Nhưng không sao cả bợ đít vợ của mình chứ đâu phải bợ đít người khác đâu. Tóm lại là tôi may mắn có người chống đỡ tin thần. Tôi không còn cảm thấy lẻ loi và chán nản. Cuộc sống bận rộn nhưng cũng thoải mái. Vợ tôi được cái là không hà tiện và không tính toán nhưng cũng không quá phung phí nên chúng tôi không xem trọng tiền bạc. Có bao nhiêu xài bấy nhiêu. Còn đi làm được thì không quá lo ngại. Chừng nào mất công việc tính sau.

Thôi hôm nay viết vội thế thôi. Chừng nào dư thời gian sẽ viết tiếp.

On November 2, 2011, I wrote about my love ones:

I also missed my wife even though we only communicate with each other on the basic level. These days if we go any further than that, we would ended up arguing. If we talk to the point where I started to feel comfortable, I would bring up my problems and she is sick and tired of hearing them. I am sure you’re pretty tired of hearing them too if you follow this blog. Carrying the baby is already hard enough; therefore, I try my best to keep my own issues to myself and not giving her anymore burden.

After reading my blog post, brother Hải sent me the following email:

Hey, Doanh,

How goes it, lil bro? Long time no see. :o)

Hope you don’t mind me saying this, but the highlighted above raise all kinds of red flags in my head: I was there.

I know it’s tough: new job, a business on the side, a toddler, a new baby coming, mom being sick, etc. I was in a similar situation, and—had I known to prioritize things—I would still have a family.

Can’t tell you what to do, or how to fix it. However, I think you would agree with me that it needs to be fixed; or—at least—not get worse.

Again, hope you don’t mind me saying the above.

Please give my best to everyone.

Thank you big brother for saving our marriage. May your soul rest in peace.

Eleven years together and we haven’t killed each other yet. Not because we don’t want to, but because we want to kill our kids more. Dark joke? I know. Besides food, sex, and alcohol, humor gets me going. My wife is going to kill me for real after she reads this post. As long as she doesn’t divorce me, I am fine dying in her arms tonight.

In all seriousness, the kids are the glue that keeps our marriage together. Without them, we might not lasted this long. We struggled in those early years trying to figure out what we wanted out of our relationship. What was in it for me? Once our kids were born, we shifted our focus. Our marriage was no longer just between the two of us. We had additional responsibilities and we had to hold up our end of the bargain.

The past few years had been more on the up side. We fought less and appreciate each other more. We talked less and listened more. We complained less and communicated more. Most of our issues had been solved because we were being completely honest with each other. We need one another to keep this ship from sinking. We can’t let it go down because we have so much on the line.

This year has gone by so fast. Although I am not big on celebrating anniversaries, they give us an opportunity to reflect on our time together. Eleven years aren’t short if the marriage isn’t working. Maintaining a marriage is not easy. It needs some TLC (tender loving care). Luckily, our kids would tell us to show our affection toward each other like a marriage couple should.

Eleven years together and our bond is still strong. I thank her from the bottom of my heart for sticking with me as we take on our journey through life together. It hasn’t been easy, but we made it.

Chiều thứ Sáu sau giờ làm việc cả nhà về Lancaster thăm mẹ và chị. Đến nơi cũng khuya nên chỉ còn việc đi ngủ.

Sáng thứ Bảy đang viết blog thì vợ quăng cho thằng Vương. Thôi thì hai cha con dậy đi bộ hứng gió. Vừa đẩy xe đi được một vòng thì vợ gọi điện nói đám nhóc đói bụng. Vừa cúp máy thì iPhone cũng rời khỏi tay rớt vỡ màn hình.

Tôi trở lại nhà. Mẹ và chị vẫn còn ngủ. Chỉ đám nhóc của tôi đã thức. Không biết đi ăn gì thì vợ nhắc đến cái chợ ở dưới phố Lancaster. Chợ nhỏ bán thức ăn và bánh trái organic. Phần đông những người bán hàng là dân Armish. Họ là những người nông dân vẫn không dùng technology.

Mấy chục năm rồi tôi mới trở lại chợ. Ngày xưa tôi và mẹ ở cách chợ hai block đường. Mỗi thứ Ba và thứ Sáu mẹ kéo xe đi chợ sớm mua thịt và trái cây tươi. Chợ ngày nay vẫn tấp nập. Người mua vẫn nhộn nhịp. Người bán hàng vẫn dễ thương chào đón. Bánh croissant vẫn thơm ngon. Cà phê vẫn đậm đà. Chỉ có mẹ tôi đi đứng khó khăn vì chân đau. Nhìn cảnh chợ tôi nhớ đến tuổi thơ và cũng xót xa cho mẹ.

I wish it is an imposter syndrome, but it is not. I know for sure that I am a fake. Even in my professional career, I doubted myself. I hid the fact that I did not know what I was doing. I chose web design instead of other serious professions, like engineer or doctor, so I can get paid goofing off on the internet. It has worked out well for me, but I had to fake it. I still can’t write a line of JavaScript, but I can modify other people’s code to get the functionality that I need. When I took on this job six years ago, I knew nothing about Linux and server administration. If the server crashed or the site got hacked, it would be on my shoulder alone. I was terrified and didn’t want to take the job, but my wife pushed me to go for it. I am glad I did even though I had to fake it.

In my personal life, I have no idea what I am doing as a father. I love my kids, but all that I ever wanted to do was taking them out and having a great time. I was not interested in other mundane and stressful tasks. I was impatient, emotional, and selfish. As much as I would like to control their behavior, I knew that I had to let them go. It was a losing battle for me. I was not into Lego, but I had to fake it to show that I am interested. I can’t draw, but I encourage them to draw. I would love to get them to read, but I simply can’t force upon them. I made tons of mistakes. Thanks goodness for their mother who knows much more about parenting than I do. I am just a fake.

Let’s be honest. No one wants to admit they are fake, but being fake is not a negative. Being fake is not the same as being a con artist. I love the phrase “Fake it til you make it.” It has been my motto in life. When I first got into design, the professional designers kept saying that I need to draw to be a designer. I still can’t draw, but I am a pretty darn good designer—of course I fake it. I had no prior training in design when I decided to be a web designer, but I faked it. In retrospect, if I didn’t fake it, I wouldn’t have the courage to become a designer. My work was awful. I had no clue what typography was, but I faked it until I got better at it.

If I knew how much work and stress went into raising other human beings, I wouldn’t have any kid. Once they were here, I couldn’t send them back. I was not prepared for what was coming, but I faked it. I pretended to be a good father, but I quickly realized that being a father was not about me. It was what I can do for them. I don’t need the recognition for their success nor do want to be blamed for their failure. I don’t need the compliment for their well behavior nor do I want the criticism for their misbehaving. I just need to do my part. As long as I am there for them, showing them that I do my best, and teaching them what’s right and what’s wrong, it is up to them to decide for their own life. I don’t need to be responsible for everything they do.

So there I said it. I am not afraid to point out my fakes. It is not about my insecurity. I am just being honest to myself. I am a fake, but I am keeping it real.

Since Vương was born, I used Facebook primarily to share my kids’ photos with family and friends. Although I had the app installed on my phone, I hid it along with a bunch of Apple’s native apps I never use but can’t delete. That way I didn’t have to open it, but I could still effortlessly share photos to Facebook from Google Photos.

Because of its ease of use and the number of family members on the platform, Facebook had motivated me to take more photos of my kids. When they smiled or did something fun, I captured the moment and shared. It had created a wrong impression that I am a great dad. It was not my intention to create this lie. I had my fair of frustrations as a parent, but those moments had never been captured. I yelled at my kids at times when they didn’t listen. In just the past few weeks, I received two emails from Đán’s teachers complaining about him ignoring their instructions. From banning from the iPad to talking to him about the consequences to making him promised, I did everything I could, but nothing went in his head. He continued to do what I asked him not to do.

Last night before bedtime, he fought with Xuân over a tiny stuffed animal when he had at least a dozen others. No matter what I said he insisted that he could not sleep without it. I made Xuân gave it back, which made him cried, and he left our room to sleep with his grandma. After Xuân left, he wanted me to hold him, but I refused. I told him to hold his stuffed animal since he loved so much. He started to cry and begged me to hold him, but I still didn’t budge. He left the room to sleep with his mom. With four kids, my mother-in-law, and now my brother-in-law’s wife, our four bedrooms are getting crowded. Sharing a bed with Đán and Xuân had been a nightmare. They constantly got on each other’s nerves, then they got on mine.

After they both screamed and left, I felt bad as well. My sleepiness was fucked up. The guilt of being a shitty parent made me deactivated my Facebook and deleted the app off my phone again. I couldn’t stand my own falsehood I had created on Facebook. With blogging, I am being honest with myself. I write more about my struggles than the perfect dad that I am not. No one here to judge me, or at least I don’t hear anything.

I haven’t blogged much this week because I have been busy working on a personal project. It’s one of the things that I had on my mind for a while and I just want to do it. It takes lots of time and it may seem like a waste of time, but I am passionate about it. If nothing else, it keeps me being creative and away from the news.

It feels great to get out of the political loops. I have not read the news or listen to podcasts on politics, except for “Real Time with Bill Maher.” Bill is more entertainment than politics. I feel much better not knowing and hearing about the current president. His words and tweets no longer having an effect on me.

Life is going well. I spend as much time with the kids as I can. My youngest is already seven months. He is growing everyday. I enjoy taking him out on the stroller before I go to work and in the evening after dinner. It is a bit nostalgic to realize that he will be our last baby. I still can’t believe that we have four boys, but I am so glad that we do. They are such a blessing and they brought so much dynamic to our family. Most days our house is loud and chaotic. When I go away, however, I miss all those noises. It will be sucked when the all go away for college and might not even come back to live with us.

I have been trying to live a simple, stress-free lifestyle. I appreciate what I have and stay calm. Life is too damn short and I can’t predict the future. I just have to live for today. It doesn’t mean I have to travel far, take expensive vacation, spend on things I don’t need to. I just want to enjoy life with what I have and where I live. I love spending time with my family. I enjoy reading and blogging. I get to make love every now and then. I treasure every second of it. Life is treating well.

I try not to focus on negativity. Not seeing my mom as often as I should is the only thing that make me sad. I still call her every and trying to see her as much as I can. That’s it for now. I’ll resume blogging after I finish up my little project.