Two weeks ago I rediscovered The Matrix soundtrack and I have been re-listening to it at maximum volume in my minivan. The album brought back so many fond memories, particularly during the time I got sucked into Flash animation. I used to chop up those heavy metal, techno tracks into loops to accompany text effects and motion graphics, in which I spent countless hours of sleepless nights crafting in Flash. Although I had moved on from Flash over a decade ago, I always felt nostalgic about it. “Bonjour Vietnam” was created in Flash and it went viral all over the world, especially in the Vietnamese communities. Flash was officially dead on December 31, 2020. Listening to The Matrix, in which I had used every single track to create a piece of animation, was like mourning the death of an era in my design career. Rest in peace, Flash.

Tonight, after the challenging first day of ice skating class, I drove the kids home with The Matrix soundtrack playing in the background. My nine-year-old son asked me to dial the volume way up as Meat Beat Manifesto’s “Prime Audio Soup” was playing. For about six minutes driving home, the pounding bass, hard-hitting drums, and electronic sound effects made me feel upbeat, but it was the chanting, “set me free,” which repeated over and over again, that transcended me. Tomorrow we will be free. Free from all the craziness that had turned our lives upside down in the past four years. It started out as a joke, but it had quickly consumed our lives every single second. I kept asking myself how we could buy into all of this nonsense and stupidity. Somehow the more absurd it became, it found its way into people’s heads. It destroyed relationships, friendships, communities, and moralities. It damn-near killed our democracy. It mindfucked half of the country. It turned half of my own Vietnamese-American community into sad, embarrassed, disillusioned souls. Though I am not sure which half because I had been called the delusional one.

Although I had checked myself out, unplugged from its universe, and set my mind free, I sincerely hope that its effects will fade into darkness. Like Flash, it will be officially gone tomorrow and an end to an American tragic. Let’s break out some champagne and celebrate because America had won the battle for the soul. Long live democracy.

On December 9, I completed the Adult-2 level for ice skating lesson at the Medstar Capitals Complex in Arlington, which is closer to my workplace. I had a wonderful experience. Alissa Strawcutter was a great instructor.

The day before, I started my new lesson at the Fairfax Ice Arena. I managed to recruit Đạo as well. I signed us up for the Alpha level, which included forward stroking, forward crossovers, and snowplow stop. Đạo’s first class went well. The skills were just right for him. As for my adult class, most of the students just started out. My new coach recognized that; therefore, she asked her assistant to work one on one with me. Since I could do forward stroking and snowplow stop, she worked with me on crossovers. It was like having a private lesson. I liked that.

On Thursday, I had to leave town to be with my mother. I knew it would be a while before I could return. I asked Đán to take over my lessons and he agreed. Since Đán is better than me, I requested to place him in Beta, which included backward stroking, backward crossovers, and T-stops. Although the class was already halfway through, he picked up with no problem.

While staying at my sister’s house, I went to the Lancaster Ice Rink whenever I could. The whole time I focused on getting down my crossovers. It took me three public sessions (about three hours) to get my forward crossovers down. It was hard to keep my balance, especially when I cross my left foot over my right foot.

Đán finished his Beta class last week and he will be starting Beta/Gamma today. Đạo continues with his Alpha class. Since I got my crossovers, I signed up for the Beta level so all three of us could have our lessons at the same time. I am looking forward to it.

As for rollerblading, I found the beautiful Conestoga Greenway Trail nearby my sister’s house. When I stressed out about my mother’s condition and just wanted to scream, I went out rollerblading. The up and down hills gave me great workouts. I also went to the Lancaster County Skate Park, which is across the street from the trail, to work on going down the ramps.

I even returned to the Castle Roller Rink for the first time in twenty something years. It brought back so many fond memories. We were so young and full of life. My buddy Luân was the star among us. I could barely skate, but I had so much fun. The music was always pumping. They played hip-hop and r&b hits the whole time. Inviting a girl out to the floor on a slow jam was always something us fellows always looked forward to. Holding her hand with your sweating palm and hoping the slow jam never ended. When I came back the vibe was still the same, I was just much older. I don’t recall they allowed rollerblades back then (only rollerskates), but they do now. Although I can skate much better than I did back then, I was the only one with guards and a helmet on. I am fine with that.

For years, I knew I needed to do some form of exercise to keep myself healthy, but I could not stick to anything until I got into ice skating and rollerblading. By getting myself into these sports, I hope that my kids will pick up as well—something for them to do besides playing on their iPads. It looks like we’re not going skiing this year, which I really missed. I am hopeful that we can do so next year. I wanted to try out snowboarding.

The first season of History of Swear Words is enlightening as fuck. Shit, I love to use profanity, but I stayed away from that word bitch. I just don’t want to be a dick. Pussy is another word that I’ll be damned to use. I can’t wait to learn more in the next season.

I had a severe gout attack yesterday afternoon. It was definitely unexpected. I hadn’t had a drop of alcohol in over a month. I hadn’t had beef in months. In fact, I started a vegetarian diet two weeks ago. I consumed mostly vegetables and tofu. Could tofu be the culprit? I had fermented tofu on Monday and my gout started after I had lunch with fermented tofu again yesterday. It had to be tofu. Another type of food to cross off my list.

I am in tremendous pain that even Aleve isn’t helping. I started taking vinegar apple cider by the pill everyday for the last month, yet it didn’t even help prevent the flare up. I am going back to Bragg’s liquid form. I am not going to be able to move around much in the next few days. No more ice skating and no more rollerblading for a week. It’s going to be sucked.

I visited three temples yesterday with my son Xuân and Vương. They enjoyed seeing all the Buddhists. I have three more to go to make eight. My sister will visit two. Together we will visit ten temples for our mom. I am not super religious, but it felt wonderful visiting and making a bit of contribution for each temple. I am coming back to my Buddhist upbringing. I am still picking and choosing what makes the most common sense rather than believing in every superstitions. For instance, going on a meat-free diet for 49 days seems like a good thing to do. Dumping food at the cemetery seems so wrong. I have no problem eating that. Wearing a white band on my head to honor my mother, that doesn’t seem to hurt. Burning incense is fine. Burning fake money so she can use doesn’t make any sense. Having monks praying and chanting for her were an honor. When she was on the ventilator, I called in through video and I played YouTube clips of monks chanting. I was desperately trying to find some spiritual guidance as the days became bleaker and bleaker. Didn’t really matter at the end, but my hope was that she wasn’t dying alone. We were there for her from afar. I prayed for her, but deep down I knew praying couldn’t bring her back. At near the end, I felt like God and Buddha have abandoned us (“Chúa đã bỏ loài người. Phật đã bỏ loài người.”) Then again, death completes the circle of life.

My wife and I had a discussion yesterday on what to do if we were in critical situation. Should we go full codes or should we pull the plug. She would like us to make the decisions. I never want to make another life-and-death decision for another person, especially the closest one to me. She wanted us to make the decision based on the condition she would be in. If I would have to make the decision, I would not give up hope until I know I won’t regret it. I knew my mom was a fighter and she endured pain throughout her life. She fought to the very end. She held on as long as she could until there was nothing left to do for her. Would that be something my wife willing do endure? She is a strong woman who had given birth to four kids. The last one made me blacked out. So I don’t know about cutting a hole through my throat and stick a pipe inside my body. Maybe the ventilator is as far as I would go. No tracheotomy. No resuscitation.

The kids were elated to see me back. Little Vương joined his older brothers jumping up and down with joy. Being away just a month I felt like I missed a whole lot of actions. Vương seems taller and speaks more complete sentences. He knows all the Peppa Pig’s lines.

Yesterday, I drove Xuân and Vương to visit Buddhist temples in the area to make some contributions and to pray for my mother. I only visited two temples so far. The monks were kind and compassionate. They even offered to pray for my mother weekly to set her spirit free. I need to get to six more temples in the next few days.

I took my wife and kids to 99 Ranch for a quick lunch. The place was quite empty, which was good for us, but not for the business. After lunch and a quick grocery shop, I dropped my wife and Vương back home for his nap time. I drove the older boys to the skate park. It was a bit crowded and Đán refused to skate because most of the kids didn’t wear masks. He was right so I took them to a trail nearby. The trail was empty. We skated for 40 minutes and had to take Đạo to the dentist. Đán and Xuân didn’t want to wait around so we went to Dunkin’ for some donuts and wake-up wraps. I restrained myself from getting a coffee after 4 PM.

It felt great to be back home and to spend time with the boys. They gave me a sense of normalcy again after such a devastating time. I still am missing my mother a great deal and thinking about my sisters. I am dealing with my grief better than I had expected. For a long time, I could not imagine my life without her. I kept having thoughts about how I would survive when she leaves this world. It had been hard, but I had not collapsed. I cried violently in her room then I wrote. Getting all my emotions on the page had helped me cope with the reality. Writing about her and my memories of her helped me to reconnect with her. When I write, she still exists in my world. I can hear her voice, see her smile, and feel her presence.

She used to scroll through my Facebook timeline to see my boys’ activities. When we spoke over the phone she would tell me the specific video clips that made her laugh or concern. When Đán enjoyed sashimi, she disapproved of me feeding my kid raw fish. I assured her that he only ate a moderate amount. During lunch yesterday, Đán reminded me not to tell bà nội (grandma) that he ate raw fish. I told him, she will always know.

She will always be in my heart and on my mind. Although I am far from being a good writer, I have developed an ability, through years of practicing, to write openly what’s on my mind. I felt closest to her when I wrote down what I was thinking about her. I could still hear her voice from the other line. When I held her hand, stroked her hair, and asked her to let go, she responded with a teardrop when her breathing had stopped, I knew she could hear me. Our dialogue will continue until I leave this temporary world to join her in our next life together.

While visiting my mother’s grave yesterday, my COVID-19 result came in. My test is negative. I am looking forward to going home to my wife and kids. I have been away for way too long. I still have one more week off from work. I am going to spend time with my sons to give my wife a break. She has been carrying all of the burdens.

I am mentally exhausted. I have never experienced such divisiveness in my lifetime. You’re either on one side or the other. There’s no middle ground anymore. On the issue of COVID-19, people either take extreme precautions or disregard mask wearing and social distancing. When I voiced my frustrations on the former, I had been called “Ate the porridge then pissed into the bowl.” It was even more upsetting to hear the latter violates people’s freedom despite knowing how my mother had died. If people followed these two simple guidelines, my mother wouldn’t have ended where she is today. If we do our part, the COVID-19 cases and death rates in the U.S. would not be as high. When people choose their freedom over their responsibility, they not only put themselves at risk but also put others in danger, especially older people. Yes, you have the freedom to get yourself infected, but you do not have the right to spread it to others.

Again, I am not blaming or attacking anyone in particular. I just really am fed up with the division. When I saw these two extremely opposite positions in politics, even within the Vietnamese-American community, I decided I wanted out. I haven’t spoken about politics after Joe Biden won the 2020 presidential election. I had lost too many friendships and relationships over my political stands. I had never followed any political leaders to the point of worshipping the ground they spit on. I had always been interested in their policies, not their politics, and definitely not their rhetorics. When I witness people, especially Vietnamese-Americans, turning into a cult, I don’t see a point of return. Even to this day, I am living in two clearly divided States. We’re no longer the United States. I don’t see that changing any time in the near future. My hope for unity had lost. I have faith In democracy, but not in a cult of personality.

It is now becoming even more dangerous that the divisiveness has spilled out of politics and into something else, like COVID-19. Until we have vaccinated, please don’t let your guards down. Each person continues to die from COVID-19 every hour in the U.S. I do not want anyone to go through what I had been through. Take every necessary precaution, but don’t become paranoid. If you think wearing a mask and practicing social distance infringe upon your freedom, I urge you to rethink your position. Don’t be a menace to society. I wish you well and not get infected.

I genuinely hope that we can come to a middle ground. If not, I hope that we can still respect each other. I have lots of soul-searching and relationship-mending to do. When dealing with my mother’s critical condition and after losing her, I am deeply grateful to family members and dear friends who had stepped up with their unconditional support. I don’t know if I can ever repay them, but I am definitely not the type that “ate the porridge then pissed into the bowl.” That is not in my character. It hurts coming from the ones you loved, but I do not have any control over what anyone, no matter how close, thinks of me. I appreciate hearing from the people who I have never met but who have read my blog. Their words and encouragement meant a whole lot to me. At the same time, I don’t have any hard feelings toward family members or close friends who chose to remain silent. It is probably better that way. Some relationships never meant to be repaired once they are broken. I can live with that.

My post from yesterday was not an attack on anyone, definitely not on any family member. My intention was to help clear the paranoia around COVID-19. If people were in my situation, they could help their loved ones without panicking. I wished I had this information when I had to face COVID-19.

I took the COVID-19 tests because I wanted to and no one forced me to. Of course, I wanted my family to be safe. I do, however, have a few regrets on the choices that I made out of fear of COVID-19. I did not know when my mother was contracted, but I could have intervened as soon as my sister tested positive. I did not know if it would make any difference since she was already coughing badly, but I could have helped in any way I could.

I had insensitive thoughts about my sister early on. I had not told her directly, but they were on my mind. I can still hear the pains and the regrets in her voice every time someone asked about our mother’s death. Her reply had been, “She got it from me.” No one wanted this to happen and we should be more thoughtful, compassionate, and kind to the people involved. It is totally understandable to protect yourself from this deadly virus and distance yourself from people, but don’t panic and overreact. Even if you show your support, don’t be thoughtless and insensitive.

Sure, the safest way is to lock yourself in your own room for months and not be in contact with anyone. If you can live that way, more power to you, but that is not necessary. COVID-19 is contagious, but we now know enough about it to understand how it spreads. You can still go to the grocery store with a mask and to keep distance from others. You can still talk to others with a mask on and from a distance. You can still take care of a COVID-19 victim if you take all the precautions.

I am not being preachy and I definitely don’t think I am better than anyone else. I just hope that people are not overreacting and panicking. If you take that as an attack then you don’t know me. When I attack, I don’t beat around the bush. I will call you out. I have done that plenty of time before.

To ease everyone’s paranoia, I took another COVID-19 test yesterday. I have not shown any symptoms. I am 99.9% sure that I haven’t been contracted, but I want to wait for the official result before I go home. I missed my wife and kids terribly. I have been away for a whole month.

Both my sister and my nephew have been recovered. Although they had been out of the contiguous period, we still wear masks around the house, eat separately, and keep distance from each other. When I rollerbladed at the trail, which was empty most of the time, I still wore my mask. I rather took off my foggy glasses than my mask. At the skating rink, I kept my mask on the entire time. The rink was restricted to 50 people, but only around 6 people were there at 10 am in the morning on weekdays.

When my mother passed away, I didn’t want her body to be embalmed. We would have the visitation with a closed casket instead of the viewing with an opened casket. The owner of the Snyder funeral home explained to us that if we didn’t do the embalming, they would simply place the sealed bag with her body inside, which was how she came from the hospital, into the casket and that was it. No cleaning. No dressing. Nothing.

Because she had COVID-19, they wanted their staff to be safe. He explained the embalming process. They would get her cleaned up and get rid of COVID-19 in her body. If we wanted to we could schedule a dressing time the day before the funeral service. Families had made a ritual out of it and we could have as much time as we needed with her. He let us think it over and to give him the answer the next day. If we decided to embalm her, he would also waive the $750 fee.

We made our decision on the spot and scheduled a time to dress her. My two sisters, brother-in-law, two nieces, and I went in to dress her. It was such a wonderful opportunity to get to see and touch her for the last time. We put on a cream sweater with a black jacket over her. We also wore a long, black skirt on her. Other than a bruise on the right cheek and on her upper lip caused by the tubes from the ventilator, she looked beautiful. They didn’t put on any makeup for her. They didn’t even cover her bruises. She looked just like when she was alive. At that point, we decided to have the viewing so that our family members get to see her for the last time.

At the funeral service, everyone was required to wear a mask and to maintain social distance. Our mother was free of COVID-19 at last. As long as everyone took all the standard precautions, such as wearing masks, maintaining social distance, washing hands, refraining from shaking hands or hugging, we should be fine.

I understand that people are terrified of COVID-19, especially if they have never come close to it, but it would be more helpful if they stayed calm. I know they meant well, but don’t make it seem like we’re a bunch of COVID-19 superspreaders. Although I have been in contact with COVID-19 patients, I have tested negative. How many more tests do I have to go through before I can see my kids? Do I need to get tested every time I go to a grocery store? Of course, I wanted to be safe rather than be sorry. I have taken every precaution seriously. I don’t mind getting tested again, but the paranoia is not helping.

I voted in general elections, but I was not passionate about politics until Barack Obama ran for president. He was an inspiring candidate and an outstanding president. He made significant accomplishments, including healthcare, marriage equality, and Dodd-Frank, in his two terms in the White House.

In the first volume of his presidential memoir, A Promised Land, he reflected on difficult decisions he had to make from domestic to foreign policies. He was thoughtful, analytical, and decisive. As a gifted writer and a natural storyteller, Obama delved into the details of his strategies. His decision to take out Osama Bin Laden, in particular, was bold, precise, and tactical. If the mission failed, it could have caused him his re-election, but he took the risk. If Obama was still in charge when COVID-19 broke, I strongly believed we would be in a much safer situation than we are today. Remember N1H1? He took care of it. He even put together a pandemic team in place to deal with this kind of catastrophe.

Although the book was an excellent read, I was already fed up with politics by the time Joe Biden won his 2020 presidential election. I was no longer interested in politics. I love the first 200 pages where he talked about his grandmother, mother, mother-in-law, wife, and two daughters. The rest 500 pages dealt mostly with policies. The book ended on his vivid account on hunting and killing Bin Laden. I am not sure if I will read the second volume. I probably will, but won’t be my top to-read priority. If you are into policies, however, give this book a read.

Thank you for following me through the 20 bleakest days of my life as my mother fought and lost her brutal battle against COVID-19. I wish I didn’t have to go through it. I wish I didn’t have to write about it. By sharing my experience, however, I hope that people will take this deadly virus seriously. The pandemic is far from over. In this last post on COVID-19, I would like to share the lessons I have learned. God forbid, if it happens to you and your loved ones, I hope you can use these tips to help you navigate the crisis.

If you think you have been exposed to COVID-19, quarantine yourself. Do not do anything for your parents, especially if they are in their 70s and 80s. Ask someone else to take care of them. That alone can save their lives. If you think your parents have been exposed, get them tested. If they tested positive, started coughing, with oxygen level below 92%, bring them to the hospital to start the treatment immediately to prevent them from getting pneumonia. Once they have pneumonia, they will be in serious trouble.

If you were not infected with COVID-19, you could take care of your infected parents and still keep yourself safe. Just stay calm and take all the precautions. Wear double masks (N95 inside and blue mask outside), face shield, latex gloves, and a trash bag over your clothes. To keep your immune system strong, take Vitamin D3 and Zinc. If your parents were too weak, help them put on their mask. My physician advised that I could only stay with my mother no longer than 15 minutes in her room, but that was impossible. Every task took 30 minutes to an hour. She coughed on me when I tried to get her to sit up on her bed and I couldn’t let her go. In addition to being close contact with my mother, I lived in the house with two other COVID-19 victims. I worried that I put myself at risk, but taking every measure worked. I tested negative. If you have to take care of your parents with COVID-19, do it safely. They need you.

If your parents have to be admitted to the hospital, contact your family members or friends who are in the medical field. Having an expert on your side helps you make better decisions for your parents. I was fortunate to be able to tap into a family member and a few friends who were willing to help. When speaking to your parents’ attending doctors, have your “family medical advisor” listening in to help ask medical-related questions or clarifications. Ask your “family medical advisor” to explain the latest treatment developments such as Remdesivir, Dexamethasone, Convalescent Plasma, and proning. Ask your “family medical advisor” to explain the pros and cons of the mechanical ventilator as well as tracheostomy. My “family medical advisors” even came up with a list of questions for me to ask my mother’s attending doctors:

1. Can we get a list of her medications?
2. Was she on Remdesevir or Convalescent Plasma? For how many days?
3. Is she still taking antibiotics?
4. What are her labs (white blood cells, inflammatory markers, etc.)?
5. Is it still possible to keep the ventilator going? Why or why not?
6. Is she uncomfortable? Is she suffering?
7. Does she require high pressure and can’t keep her level high?
8. Does her brain get enough oxygen?
9. Does she have multiple failures? Liver, kidney, heart?
10. If you think that you have done all that you can for her, can you help us transfer her to another hospital that willing to treat her?

The last question was just incase we needed to transfer, but most of the hospitals were also overwhelmed. If you know physicians working in the hospital where your parents admitted, reach out to them. When we changed our mind and wanted to put my mother on the ventilator, I could not get a hold of her attending doctor at 11 pm. Luckily, when I reached out to a friend’s spouse who worked in the hospital, she happened to be covering my mother’s unit that night. She took care of transferring my mother into the ICU immediately. She read her chart and told me about my mother’s condition. She also notified me that my mother had refused to take Remdesevir (more on this later). Although she thought it wouldn’t help, she said, “It is fair to give the ventilator a try so that you won’t regret it.” I wish she was my mother’s attending doctor.

It is absolutely crucial to be cooperative with the medical team in the ICU. Your parents’ lives are in their hands. Even if they strongly advised you to pull the plug, you don’t have to be combative with them. You don’t have to make your decision right away. Just take in all the information they provided to you and think it over with your family. If you feel that they were giving up on your parents, get the palliative care involved. Just remember that whatever decision you made for your parents, you came to the conclusion based on your love for them. Don’t beat yourself up if the outcome came out the same. You had done all you could for your parents.

Your goal was to help your parents understand clearly what they were getting themselves into so they could make their own decisions. This is a challenge during the pandemic because you can’t be with them and it is even more challenging if your parents don’t understand English. Yes, they have interpreters, but interpreters’ job is to interpret what the doctor said, no more no less. They were not there to explain to your parents about her condition. In my mother’s case, the doctor wanted to start her on Remdesevir so he asked her if she wanted to take it. He warned her that this drug could harm her liver and kidney; therefore, she refused to take it. If I were in the room, I would explain to her that if she doesn’t take this drug her lung will fail and she will die. Her liver and kidney would be useless if her lung failed. I didn’t know she refused this drug until my friend’s wife who was covering her unit told me. She asked me if I still wanted my mom to get started on Remdesevir, but it was too late. She was no longer qualified as her organs started to fail.

It is absolutely crucial that you request to have you included in all of your parents’ decisions, especially if your parents’ English is limited. Initially, my mother refused to get on the ventilator and I honored her wish until later on I found out that she did not fully comprehend her condition. She told me that she wanted to go home, eat some hot food, get some rest, and she would recover. I had to explain to her that was not the case. If she were to go home without an oxygen machine, she would suffocate and die. The reason they didn’t discharge her from the hospital was that she could not breathe on her own without the Vapotherm and the Vapotherm was already maxed out. I explained to her that either she was going to die slowly on the Vapotherm or moving forward to the ventilator. She agreed to move to the next step.

In retrospect, she might have made the right decision based on her own knowledge. What she didn’t know couldn’t hurt her. We took the chance and she fought on until there was absolutely nothing left. She held on as long as she could for us. I was proud of her and she will always be my hero.