No doubt I love skiing and snowboarding and of course I miss my children, but traveling solo gives me the space to reflect on my role as a father. Unlike the everyday chaos at home, I am sitting alone in a motel room while the snow is falling outside the window. The quietness and emptiness aren’t what I have gotten used to.

Time seems to slow down when I am alone. My mind is cleared and all I can think of is my children. Their voices, their cries, their laughters, their words replay in my mind. Even though they have changed in their own way with time, those special moments will forever remain in my memory.

Being alone at the moment gives me the space I needed to appreciate their companion. When I am always with them, I take their presence for granted. When I am away, I feel there’s something missing in my heart. My kids complete my life.

All fathers love their kids. That’s just human nature. At times though, I am not sure if I know how to love them. I struggle with this everyday. How can I provide them a happy life? How do I guide them in the right direction? How do I know what they want instead of what I want for them? If they fail or if they succeed, does it matter?

I kept telling myself, “Don’t worry. They will turn out fine.” And yet, I have not laid my worries to rest.

After I went out to a Thai restaurant for dinner last night, I went back to the motel room to watch Clint Eastwood’s American Sniper. It’s a violent film through the len of a sniper. I don’t hate it or love it. I fell asleep a little because I was tired.

Man, I am aging. I woke up this morning and was not fully recovered. Nevertheless, I put on my ski boots and hit the trails. Walking in my ski boots was already hurting my feet; therefore, I started off on the easy green. As I was riding the lift, I noticed the kids from the race team practiced. They simply shifted their weight to their outside ski and bent their knee to carve.

I gave that a try and it worked, but the speed was a bit too fast for me even on the mellow green trail. I had to carve in an S shape to slow down, but then when I switched my foot, I started to skid. I spent the whole morning on the easy green trail and the pain from my feet went away. The ski boots felt so comfortable afterward. That was not the case with the soft snowboard boots yesterday. The more I tried to carve on snowboard, the more discomfort I got.

Getting off the lift on skis were so nice. I didn’t have to strap on at all. In fact, my skis were strapped onto my boots the entire time unless I decided to go inside and take a break.

I went over to Mansfield to do some blue trails. I was not in the mood to do the blacks and the double blacks. I hopped on the long green trails and continued to carve and shift my weight. Nevertheless, I was exhausted around 2:30 pm. I didn’t want to walk to my car; therefore, I decided to do another blue runs so I could drop off close to where I parked.

The left the resort at 3:00 pm. In the past, I would never leave before 4:00 pm, but I couldn’t even ski anymore. I am going to rest up so I can get back to snowboarding tomorrow.

I had no idea Norah Jones dropped a marvelous Christmas album several years ago. I have been enjoying it these past couple of days on my solo ski/snowboard trip in Stowe, Vermont. At night when the snow was falling from my motel window and I was completely exhausted from a whole day of snowboarding, the only way to relax and recharge was sipping a Vodka Orange Crush and listening to Norah Jones’ jazzy Christmas tunes. From her original compositions, including the opener “Christmas Calling (Jolly Jones) and “Christmastime,” to her invigorating interpretations of “Blue Christmas” and “The Christmas Waltz,” Jones gifted the listeners a wonderful present. I just adore her soulful rendition of “O Holy Night.” Jones knows how to make a song her own and she has succeeded with these classic Christmas tunes.

As I was stepping out to get dinner, I saw the snow falling fast. I went right back to my room for more instant noodle, smoked salmon, and preserved duck eggs. Fortunately two hours before, I stopped by the motel office to pick out some DVDs. I had been wanted to watch 12 Years a Slave over a decade ago, but hadn’t had a chance until tonight. It is so heartbreaking and heavy. It was eye opening though. American has an ugly history. It has come a long way, but not quite there yet.

I switched to snowboard today. I started off over in Spruce Peak on the green terrains to carve. I didn’t quite get to where I wanted to be yet, but I did see a thin line in the snow. I inserted the shin guards in between the shell and the liner of my booths to help with the heel turns. Unfortunately, they kept sliding out; therefore, I stopped using them.

I must confess, I don’t like strapping up my binding every single time I get at the top of the lift. Some resorts, such as Mount Snow and Whitetail, have a bench at the top of the lifts so snowboarders can strap on easier. I am old and I have a gut. In addition, my jacket is tight; therefore, either standing up or sitting on the snow to strap on isn’t fun. By 11:30 am, I was getting tired strapping on my binding. I am thinking of click-in bindings. I would have to buy a new pair of boots. The combo would just be so expensive.

Around noon, I went over to Mansfield to take some blue runs since I was not hungry yet. As I approached the double-black trails, I was not sure if I should give them a run. The double-black trails at Stowe are no joke. I skied once last spring and I could barely survive the big moguls. Then my adrenaline kicked in and I decided to take a shot. The moguls weren’t too bad this time. The snow was also soft; therefore, it was not so bad. I actually enjoyed the run.

I went back inside for a quick lunch and then headed back to the double-black trails again. I could do a few quick turns. When I didn’t feel comfortable, I just slide down. My legs burned and I took many breaks. After that, I wanted to revisit the black diamond trail I liked last spring. This time, there were moguls from top to bottom. My legs were giving out. My toes started to hurt. It turned out that I strapped my bindings a bit too tight. I couldn’t make anymore turns. I had to do the falling leaf all the way down. Even then I had to take many breaks.

I hate to admit it, but I am feeling old. My body can’t take the challenging terrains anymore. I need to take it easy. I will be back t skiing tomorrow.

After a long day of skiing, I wanted to watch a movie to relax. I have a choice between Wicked and Gladiator 2. Truth be told, I had never watched Wicked in Broadway. I didn’t know anything about The Wizard of Oz. I am glad that I went with Wicked. It is a spectacular musical movie directed by Jon M. Chu. Both Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande were outstanding. Michelle Yeoh added another role to her expanding repertoire. Wicked clocks in 2 hours and 40 minutes and it is only the first part. I guess I’ll have to wait for part 2.

Last night I went to bed early and had about 10 hours of sleep. I woke up to a blanket of snow outside. Luckily the roads were plowed.

To start off my skiing day, I went to Spruce Peak instead of Mansfield. I wanted to see if I could transfer my carving technique I worked on all summer on my rollerblade. I fell a couple of times, but it worked on the easy green. I kept doing it until the lift started to get crowded around noon time. I ate lunch and went over to Mansfield for the big mountains.

It was so foggy that I decided to stick to the blue slopes. Unfortunately the blue slopes had lots of moguls, I could not carve. I did two runs and I was exhausted. I felt like aging is catching up to me.

I decided to head back to Mansfield to practice more carvings. My knees were burning. I did several runs and it was almost 4:pm. Even though I was tired, I decided to give ice skating a try. The rink was rough and I had not ice skated in a while. Though rollerblading helped me remember how to ice skate.

After about half an hour, I was too tired and decided to head back to the motel to relax. Tomorrow I will switch to snowboarding.

On Friday, I went to bed around 10:30 pm, but couldn’t sleep. Around 12:30 am, I decided to just go. I hit the road at 1:00 am in the morning. Around 1:30 am, the tire-warning light lit up. I panicked a little. Then the light went off. Then went on again as I drove further away from home.

I stopped at a service area and checked the pressure on all four tires. They were at 37 PSI, which meant the tires weren’t punctured. I kept on driving until I was too tire and needed a nap. I took 3 naps at 3 different stop areas. The estimated time from my house to Stowe was around 9 hours. I took 12.

I arrived at Stowe Mountains at 1 pm. I took out my snowboard and hopped on the lift. I wanted to try out the carving technique I had been learning in my basement for many months. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out as smoothly as I had thought.

I did 2 runs and I was exhausted. Lacking of sleep and driving 12 hours got me beat. At 3:00 pm I decided to check into the motel to relax and recharge. Let’s try skiing tomorrow.

I have heard of the name Emily Dickinson countless of times, but I have not read any of her work before her letters. Ms. Dickinson sure wrote lots of letters. This collection, edited by Cristanne Miller and Domhnall Mitchell, has 1,304 letters Ms. Dickinson wrote. Many of them she wrote in poems. One of my favorites was the one she wrote to Lucretia Gunn Bullard, about late spring 1864: “The lovely flowers embarrass me, / They make me regret I am not a Bee.”

Another piece that touched my heart was to to Thomas Wentworth Higginson, mid-March 1872:

Dear friend –
I am sorry your Brother is dead –
I fear he was dear to you.
I should be glad to know you were painlessly grieved –

Of Heaven above the firmest proof
We fundamental know –
Except for it’s marauding Hand
It had been Heaven below –

Dickinson

This book is over 900 pages, but it is worth reading Ms. Dickinson’s personal writings.