There I said it. I am suck at parenting. Unfortunately you would never know until you become a parent. I love my two kids more than life itself, but that doesn’t make me a good parent. Then again I am learning and improving, because I have no choice. For the past year, I literally didn’t know what to do with Dao. I tried various methods and nothing worked. It goes in his one ear and out the other. I wasn’t sure he was not comprehensible or he simply doesn’t want to. Fortunately, I think he’s getting it.

Dao could be such a lovely kid if he wants to or be such a pain in the ass if he chooses to. The past week his behavior had changed a bit. I still have to make him to do his daily tasks, but his resistance level had dropped. As I assured him that if we could take the shower and brush his teeth quicker, we would have a much better time. Once he listened, we were able to enjoy reading and playing before bedtime. I am confidence that we can still reigning him in.

As for Dan, what a lovely boy. He makes me feel like parenting isn’t so bad after all, at least for now. He’s a happy little baby despite all the eczema bothering him. Love it when he smiles and showing his rabbit teeth. Definitely not looking forward to the terrible two and terrifying three stages. Who knows he’ll give us less grief. We’ll see.

Dao came home from his first day at summer camp yesterday and was thrilled when May opened the door for him. Since the weather was so beautiful (sunny and breezy), Linh and I took the kids to the playground. The horrendous memory of last year incident has completely gone. Dao and May are now bigger and they much more skillful at climbing and sliding. Fifteen minutes went by and lil Dan got hungry so Linh brought him back home while I stayed at the playground to look after the twin. We had the whole playground to ourselves. Watching the two kids played together made me want to freeze the time and let this precious moment last forever. I was also getting a bit of nostalgia.

We didn’t head back home until 8 something. Then we set up an indoor picnic table for the kids and served them hu tieu My Tho, one of my favorite noodle soups, Linh had prepared. Yes, I had two bowls. Speaking of food, Linh made us canh kho qua (bitter gourd soup) and mam chung (Vietnamese meatloaf) in addition to the noodle soup. We will be all set for the rest of the week.

We were ecstatic to have Linh and May spending a few days with us. The two kids who shared nothing in common except their birthday could hang out together. Despite the drastic changes in personality, Dao and May can still play together for most of the time. One thing hasn’t changed is that Dao is still very attracted to May and May is still giving him a cold treatment. For instance, Dao tried to rest his head on May’s shoulder, but she pushed him away. Dao has yet to learn about rejection. Whenever he got frustrated, he took it out on me.

Linh and May arrived last Thursday and rested for the entire day because they took a red-eye flight. On Friday the weather reached above 90 degrees. They went out to DC and we went to Dao’s summer camp open house. Then we headed straight home afterward to stay cool. So the kids stayed at the house for the rest of the evening. On Saturday, May went to get her haircut and we went to VietFest at George Mason. Again, the heat was so hot that we got tired after just an hour or two outside. Again the kids on played together for a bit in the evening. On Sunday, we all went to an indoor swimming pool and they had a blast. Even lil Dan loved the water. He kicked his feet and slapped his hands in the water non-stop.

Five days went by so quick even though we didn’t get to do much. Still I am glad that the two family could spend some time together. Yes, Dao will come home from school today to find May gone. I could already see the sadness in his face and the disappoint in his voice asking, “May dau roi?”

We’re very grateful that Linh and May had made an effort to come to us all the way from the west coast. That alone makes our friendship invaluable. Thank you for the wonderful time and memories. Let’s do it again next year.

• Consequences
• Defiance: Why it happens and what to do about it
• Promoting Self Control: It Might Not Be What You Think
• With Blocks, Educators Go Back to Basics
• The 2 Key Parenting Skills You Didn’t Know About

Yesterday Dao’s teacher reported that he hit everyone at school for no reason. When he hit a bigger kid, he got his ass beat. I hope he had a taste of reality.

At home he behaved well for the most part. I was changing Dan because he spat milk on me and Dao showed me the brand new Lightning McQueen and asked me to open it for him. I asked him, “Did mommy let you have it?” He replied, “Yes. But I want you to open it for me.” I wanted to see what he would do if he gets the reward first. So I told him that I’ll open for you if you do this and this for me including not hitting friends. He replied, “Yes. I listen to you. Hands are for holding, not for hitting.”

We hit the shower, brushed our teeth and went to bed before 9pm. We read books and jumped around until 10 something. He actually did what he promised to do. When he fell asleep with cars in his hands, I tried to response to my clients’ emails, but then found out that I Love Ngoc Lan was hacked. I spent a couple of hours fixing it and went to bed at one something. The next morning he woke up and excited to go to school. Wow, for the first time my son actually wanted to go to school. I remained him what we talked yesterday and he repeated the “hand for holding” phrase. He went on in Vietnamese, “We take the old car to school. The new car is for going out only.” Usually he just want to ride in the new minivan, but today we took the old car.

We arrived at school around 7:45am, which was still early, and found a parking space closed to the building. As we walked off the parking lot he told me, “I don’t want to hold hands.” I asked him, “Why? What are hands for?” He replied, “Hands are for holding cars.” He was holding two cars in his hands. As I opened his classroom’s door, I ran right to Jackson, his car buddy, and showed Jackson his brand new Lightning McQueen. It hit me that the reason he was anxious to go to school was to show off his new toy. Let’s hope he’ll have a good day today.

Yesterday morning Dana and I met an inclusion specialist at JCC to touch base on Dao’s behavior. It was heartbreaking to hear how unhappy he was in class because he cried every time he couldn’t get what he wanted. We had turned him into a spoiled kid. The specialist gave us some techniques on consequences and warned us that it will be tough discipline him now, but we need to reign him in.

After work I went pick up cu Dan and went home. Dao was eating dinner and watching TV. Things seemed to be fine until I asked him to go take a bath. Of course, he refused so I brought out Lightning McQueen, which I bought a few weeks ago, just for him to take a peak. I told him, “If you’re good, I’ll give it to you at the end of the week.” He replied, “Yes, I am a good boy. I want to go take a shower.” As I was giving him a bath and washing his hands, he told me, “Hands are for holding, not for hitting.” Wow, I was so proud of my son.

After the shower, things started to get wild. He claimed his prize, “Daddy, I am being a good boy. Can I have Lightning McQueen? I really need it. I want to play with it now.” I said, “Yes, you are being such a good boy and if you keep up this behavior I’ll give it to you at the end of the week.” He started screaming, rolling down the floor, putting his fingers in his mouth trying to gag up. I stayed firm and continued to explain to him that type of behavior is not going to get him the toy and I love him. He tried to hit and scratched me. I held on to his hands and asked, “What are hands for?” His respond was, “For hitting.” I let him go, he picked up books and tissue box and tossed them at me. I just let him went on until he could calm down. When he did he asked for mommy. When Dana came up, he tried to tell her that “Daddy is not nice to me.” Dana stood by me and explained to him why he didn’t get his toy. Not sure what she told him, but he came and apologized to me. He gave me a hug and kiss.

The whole experience was quite something. I didn’t feel bad because I didn’t spank or yell at him. I didn’t led up either. I re-emphasized several times, “I love you, but I don’t like your behavior.” It was eye-opening to see a three year old put on quite a show. He is actually not a hardheaded kid. He just knew that he could get away with it if he pushed harder. When he knew he couldn’t get it he stopped and tried other methods like turning to his mom. He makes a much bigger scene when we’re in a room full of adults. This little fellow is a good actor. Back when he was one or younger, he slided on the floor when he didn’t get what he wanted, but he wouldn’t slide on a hardwood floor. It was hilarious seeing him looking for spot that had the rug to slide down on his stomach.

After work around 4pm, I usually picked up Dao from JCC and headed over Dana’s sister’s house. Dana came in around 7pm then we had dinner before heading home. Since lil Dan stays with grandma during the day, it would give me an hour or two with him before he goes to sleep. I don’t get to spend much time with them on weekdays. The problem was that Dao misbehaved when he knew that he was surrounded by a group of people who loved him.

Yesterday I took him straight home, and as always, he was very well behaved when we were alone. I fed him sweet rice I bought for lunch and he loved it. We played together and watched some TV. Then we headed over to my sister-in-law’s house for dinner. Dana had a headache and Dan was sleeping so they stayed there. I took Dao back home. We showered, brushed our teeth, read two books and went to sleep. It was the most wonderful day I had all week.

The thing is I can’t repeat that pattern with Dao. His mood varies from day to day, but he behaves much better with only the two of us. As much as I am going to miss hanging out with Dan, I am going to have to just be alone with Dao until he gets over this behavior. I really hope that we won’t have to go through this again with Dan. He has been a very calm kid and I am loving his personality. I was even able to to work from home on Friday while keeping an eye on him.

Dao has his good and not-so-good moments. When he’s good he could get me to do anything for him. When he wants something he would say, “Daddy can you get me something special? I am listening to you. I am a good boy.” Last Saturday, four of us went to Wegman’s for breakfast. Somehow I really dig Wegman’s inauthentic version of Pho, which has shrimp dumplings and all type of veggies including carrot and broccoli. The clear broth is a winner for me since I can no longer tolerate the level MSG in Vietnamese Pho. In any rate, Dao spoke the whole time he was there asking us everything he saw in the store. He drove both us really crazy, but we can not ignore him. If I don’t even answer him fast enough, sometimes I have to think about the item that he asked me, he would say, “Daddy, I am talking to you.”

The other day, he and I were driving home from the bookstore and he told me, “Daddy, drive faster.” I responded to him, “I can not drive fast, the police will catch me.” He thought for a minute and said, “Me too… and they take the car away… That’s not nice.” I laughed and thought to myself, “I never told him all that.” Yes, there are plenty of things that I couldn’t recall telling him, yet he already knew. He must have picked them up from JCC.

At times, Dao stresses me the hell out, but he also is a joy to be with at times. I am pretty sure both joy and stress of being a parent will be with us for the rest of our lives.

Many rappers, including Jay-Z, often use this line: “What you eat don’t make me shit.” That’s not the case with breast-feed babies. What Dana eats does make Dan shits. Not sure what she has been eaten, but his shit is pretty kicking. When he shits everyone knows. Every time he shits on my lap, I could feel the vibration on my legs.

I just wanted to let that out of the way. Dan went to the doctor today for his six-month check up. Unlike Dao, who fell off the chart when he was three-month old, Dan is the 70-75 percentile. He weighs in at 18lb and 13z. His height is 27in and his head circumference is 17in. He’s growing beautifully. He’s chubby, happy and most importantly easy, at least easier than his big brother.

He loves human interaction. He laughs and talks back if someone interacts with him. He loves to take a bath and would splash the water with his hands and feet. Whenever he gets excited, he kicks his feet like when we took him on the train at the mall for the first time or when we put him on the swing. I could carry him with the carrier all day and he would not cry even if he fell asleep. Speaking of sleep, he slept over night for three days or so.

The the doctor office, he smiled and talked to the nurse when she took his measurements. When she told me that “this is the best age,” I concurred. I am enjoying every moment I have with him now because it is not going to last.

When I went to pick up Dao from daycare yesterday, he was placed on the changing table. As I walked in his classmates told me that Dao was in trouble. I asked the teacher what did he do and she reported that he has been hitting his friends and teachers all day. When it was time to clean up, he didn’t want to. When his friends tried to put his toys away, he hit them and even scratched one of them.

I literally didn’t know what to say. I told her that I talked to him, spanked him, but nothing worked. He is now getting worst. I asked the teacher if any other kid in class does it too. She said, “There are two more, but he’s the leader.” She went on, “Whenever another kid hit a teacher, he would say, ‘Hit Ms. J harder or yell at Ms. G louder.'” I shook my head in disbelieve.

When we left the building, I asked him why he hit his friends and he replied, “They are not nice. They took the toys away from me.” We went straight home and I made him some corns. He requested it. He ate the entire bowl and then we went to take a shower. He wanted more corns, but I told him that I would make him some something to eat. We shared two bowls of rice with eggs, hotdog, soy sauce and ketchup. He behaved well for the evening.

One of the teachers told me that Dao defends himself when his friends tried to take something from him. Six months ago, he was not able to do that. Her comment made me realize something. Maybe hitting was a way for him to defend himself.

When he was around one, I observed that he wouldn’t do anything when other kids took the trains away from him. He simply picked up another train to play with. Around sixteen months, he held on tight to his trains so that other kids can’t yank them away from him. One time he placed the trains in the tunnel and covered both sides with his hands so other kids can’t touch his trains.

Now he would fight back. A couple weeks ago, one of the girls in his class told me that Dao scratched her face. I asked his teacher and she told me that they were fighting over a car and he accidentally scratched her. So could it be that hitting started as a way to defend himself?

I have been extremely calm and patience when dealing with him. He seems to get a bit better, but still very unpredictable when he would strike. I am a keloid former and my skin gets really irritated when he scratches me. At times, I really want to give him a hard beat down, but I refrain myself and just walk away or tell his mom to deal with him.

Child’s name: Dao Truong

Three words to describe student:

• Great with peers
• Chatty
• Strong willed

Child strengths are:

• Cleaning up: Dao is usually very good with cleaning up toys, with a bit of reminders from teachers.
• Initiative: He has strong preferences in many things-books, specifically train etc. Such strong preferences lead him to take initiative to ask or go for certain objects or activities that we wants to do.

Areas that we are working on:

• Hitting peers/teachers: When Dao doesn’t get what he wants, he gets very upset and hits his friends or teachers when told no. Compared to a few weeks ago, the behavior did curtail a bit, but still something we need to work on consistently.
• Opening up to new activities: Dao did show tremendous change dealing with art projects: art class, drawing with crayons or markers don’t bother him that much. New activities — music class, yoga class or anything that he is not used to, he would not participate.
• Following directions: Many times when asked to sit in a circle for circle time, Dao stays where he was and continues playing with the toys he’s been using. It was noticed, however, that when “persuaded,” he would enjoy whatever activity is going on in the group.

Notes from Daddy

Yes, we definitely need to work on his hitting issue. I am still searching for the right solution. Not punishing him is not working.

Over the weekend, my wife’s cousin came to visit us. She has two boys age four and six. They behaved quite well. When it was time for lunch or dinner, the TV was off and they sat at the table to eat their food. I asked her husband the secret and the said the whip. He reminded me that if you don’t do something about it now, he’ll “sit on your head.” He said that you have to whip them hard enough so that they’ll remember. It hurts, but you have to step up. My issue is that I am not as tough as him and I don’t have the patience to put up with Cu Dao.

As far as I can see, the kids are doing well. They were respectful. They listened when their dad told them to do something. My words mean nothing to Dao these days except when I give him “something special.” He “yeses” to everything I say whenever I am about to give him “something special.” After that, everything else goes right out of his ear.