After work around 4pm, I usually picked up Dao from JCC and headed over Dana’s sister’s house. Dana came in around 7pm then we had dinner before heading home. Since lil Dan stays with grandma during the day, it would give me an hour or two with him before he goes to sleep. I don’t get to spend much time with them on weekdays. The problem was that Dao misbehaved when he knew that he was surrounded by a group of people who loved him.

Yesterday I took him straight home, and as always, he was very well behaved when we were alone. I fed him sweet rice I bought for lunch and he loved it. We played together and watched some TV. Then we headed over to my sister-in-law’s house for dinner. Dana had a headache and Dan was sleeping so they stayed there. I took Dao back home. We showered, brushed our teeth, read two books and went to sleep. It was the most wonderful day I had all week.

The thing is I can’t repeat that pattern with Dao. His mood varies from day to day, but he behaves much better with only the two of us. As much as I am going to miss hanging out with Dan, I am going to have to just be alone with Dao until he gets over this behavior. I really hope that we won’t have to go through this again with Dan. He has been a very calm kid and I am loving his personality. I was even able to to work from home on Friday while keeping an eye on him.

Dao has his good and not-so-good moments. When he’s good he could get me to do anything for him. When he wants something he would say, “Daddy can you get me something special? I am listening to you. I am a good boy.” Last Saturday, four of us went to Wegman’s for breakfast. Somehow I really dig Wegman’s inauthentic version of Pho, which has shrimp dumplings and all type of veggies including carrot and broccoli. The clear broth is a winner for me since I can no longer tolerate the level MSG in Vietnamese Pho. In any rate, Dao spoke the whole time he was there asking us everything he saw in the store. He drove both us really crazy, but we can not ignore him. If I don’t even answer him fast enough, sometimes I have to think about the item that he asked me, he would say, “Daddy, I am talking to you.”

The other day, he and I were driving home from the bookstore and he told me, “Daddy, drive faster.” I responded to him, “I can not drive fast, the police will catch me.” He thought for a minute and said, “Me too… and they take the car away… That’s not nice.” I laughed and thought to myself, “I never told him all that.” Yes, there are plenty of things that I couldn’t recall telling him, yet he already knew. He must have picked them up from JCC.

At times, Dao stresses me the hell out, but he also is a joy to be with at times. I am pretty sure both joy and stress of being a parent will be with us for the rest of our lives.

Many rappers, including Jay-Z, often use this line: “What you eat don’t make me shit.” That’s not the case with breast-feed babies. What Dana eats does make Dan shits. Not sure what she has been eaten, but his shit is pretty kicking. When he shits everyone knows. Every time he shits on my lap, I could feel the vibration on my legs.

I just wanted to let that out of the way. Dan went to the doctor today for his six-month check up. Unlike Dao, who fell off the chart when he was three-month old, Dan is the 70-75 percentile. He weighs in at 18lb and 13z. His height is 27in and his head circumference is 17in. He’s growing beautifully. He’s chubby, happy and most importantly easy, at least easier than his big brother.

He loves human interaction. He laughs and talks back if someone interacts with him. He loves to take a bath and would splash the water with his hands and feet. Whenever he gets excited, he kicks his feet like when we took him on the train at the mall for the first time or when we put him on the swing. I could carry him with the carrier all day and he would not cry even if he fell asleep. Speaking of sleep, he slept over night for three days or so.

The the doctor office, he smiled and talked to the nurse when she took his measurements. When she told me that “this is the best age,” I concurred. I am enjoying every moment I have with him now because it is not going to last.

When I went to pick up Dao from daycare yesterday, he was placed on the changing table. As I walked in his classmates told me that Dao was in trouble. I asked the teacher what did he do and she reported that he has been hitting his friends and teachers all day. When it was time to clean up, he didn’t want to. When his friends tried to put his toys away, he hit them and even scratched one of them.

I literally didn’t know what to say. I told her that I talked to him, spanked him, but nothing worked. He is now getting worst. I asked the teacher if any other kid in class does it too. She said, “There are two more, but he’s the leader.” She went on, “Whenever another kid hit a teacher, he would say, ‘Hit Ms. J harder or yell at Ms. G louder.'” I shook my head in disbelieve.

When we left the building, I asked him why he hit his friends and he replied, “They are not nice. They took the toys away from me.” We went straight home and I made him some corns. He requested it. He ate the entire bowl and then we went to take a shower. He wanted more corns, but I told him that I would make him some something to eat. We shared two bowls of rice with eggs, hotdog, soy sauce and ketchup. He behaved well for the evening.

One of the teachers told me that Dao defends himself when his friends tried to take something from him. Six months ago, he was not able to do that. Her comment made me realize something. Maybe hitting was a way for him to defend himself.

When he was around one, I observed that he wouldn’t do anything when other kids took the trains away from him. He simply picked up another train to play with. Around sixteen months, he held on tight to his trains so that other kids can’t yank them away from him. One time he placed the trains in the tunnel and covered both sides with his hands so other kids can’t touch his trains.

Now he would fight back. A couple weeks ago, one of the girls in his class told me that Dao scratched her face. I asked his teacher and she told me that they were fighting over a car and he accidentally scratched her. So could it be that hitting started as a way to defend himself?

I have been extremely calm and patience when dealing with him. He seems to get a bit better, but still very unpredictable when he would strike. I am a keloid former and my skin gets really irritated when he scratches me. At times, I really want to give him a hard beat down, but I refrain myself and just walk away or tell his mom to deal with him.

Child’s name: Dao Truong

Three words to describe student:

• Great with peers
• Chatty
• Strong willed

Child strengths are:

• Cleaning up: Dao is usually very good with cleaning up toys, with a bit of reminders from teachers.
• Initiative: He has strong preferences in many things-books, specifically train etc. Such strong preferences lead him to take initiative to ask or go for certain objects or activities that we wants to do.

Areas that we are working on:

• Hitting peers/teachers: When Dao doesn’t get what he wants, he gets very upset and hits his friends or teachers when told no. Compared to a few weeks ago, the behavior did curtail a bit, but still something we need to work on consistently.
• Opening up to new activities: Dao did show tremendous change dealing with art projects: art class, drawing with crayons or markers don’t bother him that much. New activities — music class, yoga class or anything that he is not used to, he would not participate.
• Following directions: Many times when asked to sit in a circle for circle time, Dao stays where he was and continues playing with the toys he’s been using. It was noticed, however, that when “persuaded,” he would enjoy whatever activity is going on in the group.

Notes from Daddy

Yes, we definitely need to work on his hitting issue. I am still searching for the right solution. Not punishing him is not working.

Over the weekend, my wife’s cousin came to visit us. She has two boys age four and six. They behaved quite well. When it was time for lunch or dinner, the TV was off and they sat at the table to eat their food. I asked her husband the secret and the said the whip. He reminded me that if you don’t do something about it now, he’ll “sit on your head.” He said that you have to whip them hard enough so that they’ll remember. It hurts, but you have to step up. My issue is that I am not as tough as him and I don’t have the patience to put up with Cu Dao.

As far as I can see, the kids are doing well. They were respectful. They listened when their dad told them to do something. My words mean nothing to Dao these days except when I give him “something special.” He “yeses” to everything I say whenever I am about to give him “something special.” After that, everything else goes right out of his ear.

Yesterday was the first day since you were born that I got to spend alone with you. I enjoyed every moment of it. Seeing smile puts a smile on my own frowning face. You observed me cleaning up the dishes, doing the laundry and folding clothes. You kicked your feet with excitement every time I play with you. You laughed out when I joked with you.

You enjoyed the scene when we strolled to the library. You fell asleep halfway there; therefore, I took all the time that I needed to check out the books. You eat well. You sleep well. You smile a lot. You’re also a tough boy. Your big brother has been giving to rough love, but you took it and smile. The only time you cried when he butted his head on your face. Even I can’t endure his hard head; therefore, I feel your pain.

At five month, you have already showed tremendous personality. You’re already making sounds and trying to talk. You show big laugh when people are talking to you. Your mom told me that you woke up at four in the morning and smiling at her. I really love this about, son. Please keep on smiling my dear and you’ll have a much enjoyable life. We love you dearly.

Many thanks to the caring mamas for sending me tips and techniques to deal with Dao’s hitting problem. They reiterate and emphasize that spanking him is not the right solution. I was not quite convinced because it is not about me being tough. It’s about getting him to listen. A visit to the pediatrician last Friday, however, changed my mind.

I took Dao in for his three-year check up. He’s doing well. Still growing even though he hardly eats. He interacted with the pediatrician. She asked him what his name and he replied, “Dao.” She asked him his age and he replied “three.” She asked, “Are you a boy or girl?” He replied, “girl.” We laughed.

She asked me if I have any question and I brought up the hitting issue. To sum it up her point was that, “If I spank him, he would think it’s ok to use violence to solve problem.” That makes sense. My wife also told me one time, that Dao was playing with his trains and he told the first train to go, but the train didn’t move. So he said to the train, “You don’t listen. You’re being bad. I am going to hit you.”

Since the heated argument with my wife, I have not spanked him and he has picked that up. He knows he can get away with it. Now if he hit me and I tried to distract him, he would find a way to scratch me. This kid sure knows how to push the button, but I remain as calm and as patience as I could be. We’re just talking to him and hopefully one fine day he’ll snap out of it.

Can’t believe you’re turn three today. What a year it has been. Life changes as you begin to discover the world and explore your identity.

You’re now a big brother. Sometimes you might feel like your little brother take over all the attention, but reassure that our love for you have not changed. Because we love you so much that we don’t want you to go through life all by yourself. Believe me, having a brother will be one of the biggest gifts you have ever received. Your mom and I won’t be around you forever, but your brother will for the most part of your life. So love each other and be there for each other. Your mom and I will be extremely happy if we could see that bond between you two.

In the past few months, I have been a little rough on you because you are a tough kid. I promise you that you will have many freedoms in life, but right now I just want you to have the respect and the discipline. I don’t expect much. Just a few simple rules and principles. You’re a bright kid and I know that you understand, but you choose not to listen. Whenever I picked you up from school, you would ask me, “Daddy, do you have something special for me? I want something special. I listen to you daddy. I listen to you daddy.” After we picked out some candies from the store, I said that we have to go home and wash your hand before you could eat it and you followed. Why can’t you do that at other times too?

While you have some issues to straighten out, you’re a terrific kid. We love you, kiddo. Have a wonderful birthday, Dao. And May too.

Last Saturday my sister-in-law had a welcome home party for her newborn. One of her friends who has two daughters came by. Fifteen minutes later, the eleven-year-old girl wanted to go home because she was bored. Her mother told her they they just got here. The girl got mad and punched her mother in her back. The mother who is one of the sweetest ladies I know didn’t respond. Later on when we were sitting around chatting, the younger daughter (seven or eight years old) came up to her and asked for something. She didn’t allow and once again she was punched by the younger daughter.

Seeing kids disrespecting their parent in the public breaks my heart and I feel her pain. We’re in a similar situation with Dao. I get infuriated when he hit his little brother, mom and grandma. I do not tolerate that kind of behavior. The problem is that words have not registered into his head. When he hit me, I told him, “Do not hit me. That’s not nice.” He hit me again and I told him, “You hit me one more time and you’re going to get slapped.” He hit me the third time, I slapped his hand a bit hard so he could remember what would happen when he hit people. I reminded him, “This is the punishment you get when you hit people.” The situation reminded me of how I used to deal with bullies in middle school. Of course, he screamed at the top of his lung as if I just beat the crap out of him. He learned his lesson then, but then nothing registered.

As a parent, the guilt of hitting your kid hurts you more than it hurts him, but what can I do when talking to him is like talking to a wall. My wife has a different approach. Whenever he hit her or other people, she distracted him by directing his attention to something else. The problem with this approach, as I see it, is that she’s not addressing the real issue. Avoiding it is not a solution. I don’t like using that method. I want a more direct communication. I want him to understand that hitting people is not appropriate. If he does it to us and we don’t respond, he’ll do it to other kids his age. I am sure other kids will beat him up if he does that to them. That’s the kind of things I would like to avoid.

Last Friday, my wife and I had a heated argument about it. She gets tired of hearing him cry almost everyday. I feel the same way, but it is better to discipline him now before it gets too late. As always, I lost the argument; therefore, I am backing down and let her do her things with him. I just hope that as time goes by I won’t witness what I had seen last Saturday.

My sister-in-law gave birth to a baby boy a few weeks ago; therefore, my mother-in-law had moved to her house to help out. My sister-in-law lives three-minute drive, without red light, from our house. Now each morning we dropped Dan off to her before heading to work.

Her day is filled with looking after Dan, helping out my sister-in-law and her kid, cooking for seven people and taking care of grandpa. If Dao gets sick and stays home, she watches him too. The best part is that she does all of that with a smile and not a word of complain. In my book, she’s a super grandma.