My nephew Eric is a straight-A student and he has a passion for design. I used to believe that you have to follow your passion, but I would like him to go into the medical field. Being in a life-and-death situation, my design passion is utterly useless. The decision-making process has been extremely hard. I never had to face something like this until now and I don’t have the experience or the expertise to make these difficult choices.

No one dies if I picked a serif over a sans-serif typeface. No life is on the line if I picked a darker or lighter shade of blue. No one cares if the logo is too big. I am at the point where I am too tired to fight for design. If my superiors want orange, I’ll give them orange. I am not going to bother explaining to them why, from a design perspective, they should go with red instead. I would let them have it.

In a life-and-death crisis, one wrong decision could make me regret it for the rest of my life even if the outcome won’t change. To get the medical expert’s advise, I have to reach out to a friend I haven’t seen in twenty-something years, a wife of a friend I have never met, a sister-in-law of my niece I met once, a friend’s husband, or my wife’s cousin. I am very grateful for their generosities and kindness, but I also feel extremely bad. I wonder if they have to give medical advice to family members and friends all the time. I wish I could return a favor. If any of them need a website, I will do it for free. That’s my offer.

I told my wife that I hope at least one of our four kids will become a doctor. Fingers crossed!

You have been a fighter all your life. We haven’t given up on you, mom. We are supporting you all the way. Please fight this through. We are all here for you. Everyone is praying for you. We are thinking of you. We love you.

Every time the phone rings, my heart sinks. Every time I wake up, I get a chill all over my body. Every time I see her silk shirt hanging on her dresser, I cry. I am going through the darkest time of my life. I am horrified and I don’t know if I can pull it through. I am supposed to be strong, but I am not.

The thoughts of losing her scare me. This is the woman who devoted her entire life to me. At the critical moment of her life, what can I do for her? Am I making the right decision for her? Does she understand the seriousness of her conditions?

The past week has been hell, especially the past two days. I sobbed like I have never been sobbed before. Fortunately, I have dear friends and family members I can reach out to help me make my decision for my mom. It had been a daunting task, but it helped me see thing from a different perspective. The trauma has yet to end, but at least I can live with the outcome.

I continued to read Obama’s memoir until midnight waiting for a call from the hospital, but my phone didn’t ring. That must be good. I called the nurse to get some updates. Her breathing had improved; therefore, they lowered the Vapotherm. An infectious disease doctor examined her and prescribed Rocephin for her. I slept better last night with tremendous hope.

As I was driving back to Lancaster last Thursday, I was desperate for some medical advice and I immediately thought of Phú. We knew each other way back when we first came to America. We lost touch for a while, but then reconnected through Facebook. I didn’t know if I should call out of the blue because we haven’t been in touch for so long, but I reached out to him anyway. I figured it wouldn’t hurt. I am so glad that I made the call. He has been so kind with his time and knowledge. He has called and texted to get updates on my mom’s status. I am both thankful and feeling guilty at once.

Carol is one of my sister’s family dear friends. I have heard my mom and my sister talked about her as Heather’s grandma. Heather is around Samantha’s age. Heather used to live across from my sister’s previous house. Carol visited her granddaughter and she must have loved Sammy. That was how they had been closed. On Friday, my sister gave Carol my phone numbers. I have never met Carol, but she has been such a caring person. She calls me everyday to get an update on my mom, my sister, and my nephew. She told me stories about how my mom always offered her tea and Asian goodies every time she came by the house. She treats my mom like her older sister. She is going through a tough time herself. She is taking care of her son who is in his 50s and dealing with chronic depression. She misses her husband who died in 2014. They had been married for 49 years. I loved her stories and I wanted to console her as well.

I am grateful for friends like Phú and Carol. Their kindness touches my heart.

I am quarantining in my mom’s old room on the second floor. She used to sleep here until she fell and broke her bones. She had not been up here in a long time, yet all of her belongings are still here.

Whenever we spent the weekend here, I always sneaked up to her room early in the morning while my wife and kids were still sleeping in the basement. I would wake her up and we would have a few hours of private moments together. She would tell me everything on her mind. She made me feel like a forty-something-year-old kid. I treasured those moments.

Now laying alone in her room, I keep starring at her closet, which filled with clothes she hasn’t worn in a long time. I ran my hand through her shirts. I recognize the silk shirt with flowery pattern, which has to be one of her favorites. She wore this shirt many times, including on her eightieth birthday I threw for her. I still remember the beautiful smile on her face. She looked so happy with family members and friends celebrating her special day. I missed the good old days.

From her extra firm bed with head pins everywhere to secure the bed sheet to her pillows with safety pins to secure the cases, everything in this room reminded me so much of her.

The phone rang in the middle of the night from the hospital. I was afraid to pick it up. A nurse informed me that my mom had moved to a closely monitor unit. She had trouble breathing. Without the Vapotherm, her oxygen level dropped to 70%. They cranked the device all the way up and her oxygen was at 95%. If she continues to get worse, they will put her on the mechanical ventilator. I am hoping and praying that won’t be the case, but the odds are against us.

The FDA authorizes bamlanivimab, by Eli Lilly, for patients with mild-to-moderate COVID-19. According to the FDA:

Monoclonal antibodies are laboratory-made proteins that mimic the immune system’s ability to fight off harmful antigens such as viruses. Bamlanivimab is a monoclonal antibody that is specifically directed against the spike protein of SARS-CoV-2, designed to block the virus’ attachment and entry into human cells.

The FDA also issued an emergency use authorization for REGN-COV2 (REGN10933 and REGN10987), by Regeneron. For more information on these treatments, listen to NPR “Short Wave.”

Mom’s lung is getting worse. An infectious disease doctor will exam her tomorrow to determine an antibiotic treatment. She started on Dexamethasone today for ten days. Her oxygen level is at 95%. I hope she can get some rest. She has been a fighter all her life. I hope she can fight her way through this battle as well.

My nephew started to have symptoms. He felt tired and had running nose. Poor kid. He didn’t deserve this. No one deserves this. My sister is also fighting for her life, but she is recovering.

I am having some minor headaches due to interrupted sleep and stress. I am not sure if I should get tested or should wait until I get symptoms. If I get tested now and it wouldn’t matter if my mom comes back again. I am not sure how long she will be out of the hospital. The doctor said she might be going to rehab after her COVID is under control.

Being a blogger for almost 20 years, I never shy away from writing about my personal experience. In fact, these personal writings make my blog what it is. I do, however, hesitate to share about others including my mom and my sister who are dealing with COVID. Fortunately, when I decided to share our situation, I have received nothing but love and support from family members, friends, and readers. Thank you for your kind, encouraging words to help me stay strong. Thank you to those in the medical field who have reached out to provide me with suggestions. All of your thoughts, prayers, and medical advice are appreciated.

My nephew is tested positive for COVID. He still doesn’t show any symptoms. I hope he will be OK. My sister is still in bad shape, but her oxygen level is good. She doesn’t need to check into the hospital.

I hadn’t been able to reach my mom. I talked to her nurse. Her fever shot up to 102. She is unable to move her mouth to take her medications. Now they have someone to help her eat. I am afraid she is having the Guillain-Barre syndrome.

Nothing much I can do at this time, but to wait out. Waiting for my mom to get better and waiting to see if I have been infected. At this point, things are out of my control.