After another year at First Landing, I am done with camping. I hate bugs. I hate the heat. I hate the rain. I hate packing.

Because of the weather, I could barely sleep at night. I didn’t bring an AC. Most families brought their AC. As a result, the kids ended up either staying in their tent, EV, or RV to stay cool and to be on their phones. The phones ruined the kids.

The backstabbers talking shit behind your back were annoying, but I decided a long time ago. Never let anyone’s words get me down. What people say or think about me has no effect on me—friends or foes. That’s my survival mechanism.

On the bright side, I had a great time with food, liquor, and friends.

I like drinking even though I know damn well it is not good for my health. I made a bit of a change. I don’t drink at home and when I go out with my family. I only go out drinking with friends. It seems to work out well. I hadn’t had a drop of liquor when I was at home or with my family.

I have no beer at home. I still have a couple of wine bottles, but I rarely drink wine anyway. I still have a couple of whiskey bottles, but I only bring them to a party or a gathering with friends. I’ll still buy liquor, but only for going out.

I used to have a couple of drinks at home with a meal or if I were out to a restaurant. That was when I didn’t have friends to drink with. Now I have a couple of folks to drink with, I need to make a change.

The change is good for me. When I go out to drink I can enjoy it and not have to worry about drinking too much. Gout flare used to warn me if I was drinking too much, but now that I take Allopurinol I haven’t had an attack. I don’t want to take it for granted or abuse it.

Maybe when there’s a time I have to stop drinking completely. Until then, this is a happy medium.

Hôm cuối tuần đi ăn tiệc. Tôi với anh bạn vừa ăn vừa đứng trò chuyện vu vơ. Vợ anh ấy đi qua và trách móc, “Dạo này cứ đưa phone cho tụi nó”. Thấy anh ấy hơi quê quê nên tôi cười đáp, “Kệ đi chị ơi. Để cho anh được ăn thoải mái một tí”.

Mấy cô vợ ơi, ra ngoài làm ơn giữ mặt mũi cho thằng chồng mình một chút. Về nhà muốn la mắng sao cũng được. Nhiều khi vợ chồng sống chung với nhau lâu rồi nên không còn để ý đến sĩ diện cho nhau. Những lời nói ngọt ngào của thuở ban đầu giờ đã trở thành những lời lẽ đắng cay tột đỉnh. Làm sao ta có thể níu kéo lại một thời đã xa?

Tôi đã xem cái video này trên Facebook khá lâu mà đến bây giờ vẫn còn ám ảnh. Hôm nay chợt xem lại vẫn thấy ngậm ngùi” (Sợi buồn con nhện giăng mau. Em ơi hãy ngủ anh cho thêm viên thuốc).

I was in Walmart when my wife called asking me to buy a bag of small potatoes. I looked around, but couldn’t find it. I asked an employee nearby, “Excuse me Miss, where do I find a bag of small potatoes?” She replied with a Spanish accent, “Over there, they took after you.” Then she laughed. I looked down at myself and wondered, “WTF? How does she know?” I picked up a bag of “Little Potatoes.” She said, “See, they are laughing at you.” I was like, “Oh yeah!” I definitely need some hearing aides.

By the way, Little Potatoes has a cute brand.

Last Saturday, all four kids wanted to have a sleepover with their cousins. The house was empty and quiet. Around 11 pm, I asked my wife if she wanted to go out. She refused at first, but was convinced that we hadn’t been on a date night in 17 years.

We headed to Eden Center to check out the new Popup joint. There was a rave party so we decided to check it out. As we stood in line to get in, we were aware that we were the oldest couple there. The bouncer who was even older than me said to me, “Are you sure you want to go in?” I replied, “Hell yeah!” He didn’t bother to check our IDs. He announced to everyone, “We got an OG in the building.” I laughed and replied, “Thanks G. Do you have a senior discount?” I paid $20 entry charges for me and my wife.

Most of the kids were Asian in their 20s. I was not sure if they were Vietnamese or other Asians. They weren’t dancing to the music. They were just standing around drinking. The music was not loud enough and the beats weren’t captivating either. We found a seat over at the food court side. My wife didn’t want a drink. She was on her phone. I was not in the mood for drinking either. I walked around just to check out the scene. Most of them dressed casually. Then I saw two Asian girls wearing thongs exposing their booty cheeks. I headed to the bathroom, but there was a line of boys waiting to take a piss. I went back to our seats. After half an hour of being there, I realized we didn’t belong there. I felt like we were chaperones at a school dance.

The night was still young and we were not in the mood for food. We headed straight to MGM. The casino floor was crowded. We were thirsty. I ordered a beer for myself and water for her. We walked around the casino, but didn’t feel like losing our hard-earned money. We left MGM around 1:30 am and came back home around 2:00 am.

It was not terribly exciting, but we got out of the house for a bit. We tried to rejuvenate our youth, but let’s just face it: we’re fucking old.

Gần đây nhậu nhẹt nhiều. Vì uống thuốc chống gout mỗi ngày nên không bị tấn công. Chân không bị gout nữa nên cũng không biết lúc nào uống rượu nhiều.

Tuần trước uống nửa chai Cordon Bleu và nửa chai XXO cùng với mấy người bạn, hôm sau đầu đau như muốn vỡ. Tự hứa từ nay không uống Cognac nữa. Tôi cũng uống qua mấy chai bourbon và cũng cảm thấy khó chịu muốn mửa. Thế nên tôi cũng bỏ luôn bourbon.

Chỉ còn lại whiskey là uống thấy ổn nhất là những chai whiskey Nhật như Yamazaki và Hakushu 12 năm trở lên. Tuy hơn đắt tiền nhưng uống chắc ăn.

Giờ đây tôi phải hạn chế nhậu tối đa. Không uống ở nhà bất cứ loại bia rượu nào hoặc đi ăn với gia đình. Chỉ khi nào đi với bạn nhậu mới uống. Nếu được chỉ thưởng thức whiskey của Nhật thôi. Tuy hơi đắt tiền nhưng đáng.

Nếu như bỏ rượu hẳn thì không thể được trừ khi sức khỏe không còn cho phép nữa. Vả lại giờ đây càng ngày càng lớn tuổi, sức khỏe rất quan trọng. Mùa đông vừa rồi tôi uống rượu rất ít vì tập trung vào skiing và snowboarding.

Yesterday, I bid farewell to an acquaintance for the last time. I hadn’t seen him for a few years and he was hardly recognizable in his coffin. Cancer had eaten him up. Just a push of a button and he was nothing but ashes. He was 69 years old and barely had a chance to enjoy his retirement.

These days, everything seems to be uncertain. I can’t get a grip of my anxiety. Everything I care about seems to be drifting away. As I am aging, the people around me are dying from cancer, stroke, or diabete. Some form of terminal illnesses would catch up to me.

I sound morbid, but I accepted death. I can’t cheat death. When it is time for me to go, just put me in a carton box and press the button. Let me return to ashes. No need for a fancy coffin. No need for any services. No need for visitation. No need to shed a tear for me. Just let me go.

For now, I need to make peace with myself. I need to stop worrying and start living. I don’t have control of anything else, but my own mind. People who hate me, let them hate me. Nothing I can do about it. When my oldest sister decided to sever ties with me, I granted her wish. Even when we had to meet at family gatherings, I just looked the other way. Fuck her. I don’t have any obligations left for her.

I do have obligations with my kids. They are still under my supervision. Once they grow enough feathers and wings, I won’t stop them from flying away. Though I am always here for them until I am no longer on this earth.

We made it through 6,502 days. That’s a milestone. We had been through thick and thin. We had gone through hell and back. Our journey hasn’t been easy, but we’re still pushing along.

We are under tremendous pressure raising four kids. Each age presents a different set of challenges. Caring for an elderly is a daunting task. We are doing our best. Navigating through our jobs is stressful, especially during this turmoil, uncertain time. Above all, we have to deal with each other. There are moments of frustration, irritation, disappointment, shame (on me), and doubt.

What’s even in our marriage anyway? Our marriage is not always rosy. In fact, our marriage is quite messy. Nevertheless, our marriage is still worth committing to. We need to embrace both our ups and downs. Our marriage was built on a strong foundation, we need to maintain it.

For seventeen years, we traveled the road of life together. We weathered the storms together. We rose to challenges together. As long as we won’t let go, we will make it together, as we had promised: “Rồi mai đây đi trên đường đời / Đừng buông tay âm thầm tìm về cô đơn.”

Happy anniversary, my love!

Thưa Mẹ,

Mỗi ngày con vẫn nhớ mẹ. Hôm nay ngày của Mẹ, con nghĩ nhiều về mẹ. Nỗi nhớ của con không còn đau buồn nữa. Thời gian đã xoa dịu đi sự đau đớn trong con. Dù con có đau lòng bao nhiêu cũng không thể thay đổi được gì. Đời người là như vậy và con cũng chấp nhận số mạng của mình.

Nhớ đến mẹ để trở về tuổi thơ. Nhớ đến mẹ để biết mình đã từng được mẹ yêu thương vô bờ bến. Nhớ đến mẹ không còn rơi lệ nữa mà nở một nụ cười. Con cảm ơn đời đã có được mẹ. Dù mẹ không còn trên cõi tạm này nữa nhưng mẹ vẫn trong con.

Rồi mai đây còn rời xa thế giới này không biết có gặp lại mẹ không. Con hy vọng sẽ được. Đó là tương lai. Còn hiện tại thì vẫn thương nhớ đến mẹ trong ngày của Mẹ.

Con trai của mẹ,
Doanh

Quá mệt mỏi với cuộc sống. Những công việc không muốn làm cứ chồng chất lên. Những nỗi lo âu cứ tiếp tục kéo đến. Những gánh nặng cứ đè lên.

Trái tim không ngủ yên. Đầu óc không thảnh thơi. Giấc ngủ không ngon giấc. Trong đầu lúc nào cũng cảm thấy tội lỗi. Không thể nào buông thả những tiêu cực trong đời sống. Không thể nào giải thoát cho chính mình.

Không cải tiến được những gì xung quanh. Không cải tiến được bản thân. Vẫn chưa tìm ra đường lối mới để sống thoải mái hơn.