Hôm qua 11 giờ khuya Đán thức dậy khóc inh ỏi. Tôi hỏi bị gì nó không nói. Khi thấy ở mang tai của nó bị sưng lên một cục tôi vội vàng đưa nó vào phòng cấp cứu. May là tối hôm qua không đông người nên chỉ vào chừng nửa tiếng là về. Bác sĩ nói không có gì đáng ngại. Uống nước nhiều vô sẽ tan ra. Hai cha con về nhà ngủ tiếp.

Ngày xưa có một lần tôi cũng bị xưng ỏ mang tai như nó. Lúc đó chắc cũng năm hay sáu tuổi cở nó bây giờ. Thay vì đưa tôi đi gặp bác sĩ mẹ đưa đến ông thầy pháp thuật. Thầy nhìn tôi rồi nói là tôi bị trúng bùa nên thầy thắp nhang cầu nguyện ông bà tổ gì đó. Lúc ra về tôi thấy mấy trái sơ ri ở nhà thầy chín đỏ nên kêu mẹ hái cho tôi vài trái ăn.

Lúc về đến nhà miệng tôi bị đau lên nên mẹ đưa tôi lại chỗ thầy. Thầy trách mẹ rằng tôi bị ông bà tổ phạt vì ăn mấy trái sơ ri. Thầy thấy nhưng không ngăn cản vì sợ nói rằng thầy ích kỷ. Thế là thầy phải thắp nhang van xin ông bà tổ tha lỗi. Không biết mẹ có cần phải cúng thêm tiền cho ông bà tổ gì nữa không.

Tội cho người mẹ mê tín dị đoan nên dễ bị lừa gạt. Cũng may là tôi không giống mẹ nên không tin những thứ như thế. Cho đến tôn giáo hay đạo tôi cũng chẳng có niềm tin.

We took a two-day vacation to the Massanutten resort to sort things out. We had a nice and somewhat peaceful time together. I took Đạo and Đán to snow tubing since all the ski classes were booked. The weather was almost 60 degrees. There was just thin ice. We slid three times in two hours. We had to wait in line to slide and we didn’t have to walk up to the stop. We just stood on the moving walkway to get us to the top. It required no exercise at all. We had a blast at the indoor waterpark though. Even Xuân loved it. We just rode on the double swim ring.

My wife and I continued to debate and argued over what we should do with the kids’ conflict. I felt strongly that the kids needed time apart to work things out. While on the trip, I reminded Đạo and Đán why his cousin could not join us for the fun. It will be like that for a while until they could make the cousin feel comfortable to be around them. My wife didn’t think we should separate them. We did come to an agreement and I was willing to give the kids a chance to work things out.

Nevertheless, the boys had a great time at the resort. I can’t complain since I had the best raw oyster yet.

Adam Popescu writes:

“We think somehow that this antisocial behavior is not going to affect me,” said Niobe Way, professor of applied psychology at New York University.

Ms. Way studies technology’s role in shaping adolescent development. These head-down interactions take us away from the present, no matter what group we’re in, she said. And it’s not just a youth problem. It’s ingrained, learned, copied and repeated, much of it from mimicking adults. When kids see their parents head down, they emulate that action. The result is a loss of nonverbal cues, which can stunt development.

“What’s happening more and more is we’re not talking to our children,” Ms. Way said. “We put them in front of the tech when they’re young, and when we’re older, we’re absorbed in our own tech.”

You’ve seen it: Think of how some parents deal with screaming toddlers. “Here kid, take this iPhone and go to town,” according to Ms. Way — not, “Let’s talk this out, what seems to be the problem, son?’”

It’s nice to get an email from a reader every now and then:

Hello Donny,

Thank You so much for Professional Web Typography. I’m refreshing my knowledge by reading it these days. I also very much like all your projects. Jay Z really impressed me.

But all this is not what triggered me to write to you: It was your blog, where I chose the filter “parenthood”. I am a mother of two boys (5 and 3 years) and know the helpless feeling that you described on you blog. What’s helped me a lot was a book. It was “The Challenge of Parenthood” by Rudolf Dreikurs. It is already about 50 years old and the many examples are totally outdated, but the advice I have found there had enormous impact on the way how I see parenting. It was like magic. Try it.

I appreciate the recommendation. I also am glad that she reads my blog on parenthood. Truth be told, I has written down all of these posts to sort out my emotions. The emotion of flaw, failure, selfishness, and helplessness. I am far from being a good parent and I am quite embarrassed when people say that I am a great dad. I am just a human being. I go through my ups and downs. I don’t know what is the right way to raise my kids. I am still learning and adapting as they get older.

What I have written down isn’t always positive. They are just what I was feeling at the time. I am at the point that I should not have to regret how I feel. This is the only place where I could speak out my mind. There are things that I can’t say in my real life I can say it here. On here, I am not afraid being judged. On here, no one could tell me what I can and cannot say.

At times, I admire my sons for saying things on their mind that I can only think but cannot say. What they said not always comfortable, but they didn’t hold back. In a way, this blog allows me to be a kid again. Being vulnerable and being free. Just let the mind go.

As parents, you have the responsibility to control your own emotion. You are entitled to your emotion. You can be upset at other people’s kids, but you cannot channel your anger on them.

One time, I took the kids to the playground near our house. I pushed Xuân on the stroller. As we walked, Đán picked up a few beautiful autumn leaves. He placed them in the basket underneath the stroller’s seat and told me, “Daddy, don’t lose these leaves OK. I am going to give them to mommy.” I replied, “I promise. You’re such a sweet boy.”

We went to the playground for about an hour. On the way back home, the boy came up to the stroller and took the leaves. Đán told the boy those are his present for his mom. The boy refused to return and took off. Đán chased after him. With the stroller, I could not run. Đán caught up with him and grabbed the leaves. As they pulled, the leaves shattered into pieces. I could see on Đán’s face that those were not just any ordinary leaves. They meant a lot to him. They were for his mom, but they were ruined.

He pushed the boy away. The boy went nuts. He ran right into Đán and punched Đán right on his nose. The anger on the boy’s face I have never seen before. I freaked out. I put the brake on the stroller, ran toward them, and pulled them apart. Blood was gushing down Đán’s nose. I was horrified and I could have slapped the taste out of the boy’s mouth, but I controlled myself. I said to him, “What you just did was really bad.” He cried the whole way home as I pushed the stroller with one hand and tried to stop the bleeding on Đán’s nose with the other.

As soon as we got home, the boy cried louder and told his mom that I said he was a bad boy. His mom hugged him and calmed him down. She didn’t say a word to Đán and didn’t even bother to see if he was OK.

I am not sure why I didn’t write down this incident at the time. The details are still clear in my head. Not his bloody nose, but the devastated look on Đán’s face when the leaves were ripped apart has never escaped my mind. I understood the feeling of something you treasured shattered in front of your eyes. I could never forgive myself for my inability to keep the leaves safe like I had promised my son.

With Xuân being too young, I hardly get to interact with Đạo and Đán when we go out together. As a result, I wanted to spend one-on-one time with each of the boy. On Tuesday night, I asked them who wanted to go out with me tomorrow and they both raised their hand. I explained to them that one can go this week and the other one can go next week. Đán said, “OK, Đạo can go first.” Then Đạo said, “But it wouldn’t be as fun without Đán.” I suggested that all three of us go and they both agreed.

My one-on-one plan failed, but we had fun. I took them to their favorite spot, Bon Chon Chicken, for dinner. Then we headed to Chuck E. Cheese’s for some gaming. After that, We hit the library to check out some books. Đạo asked me to help him find books on the Titanic. I pointed him to the information desk and asked for help. He told me to come alone and I told him to go by himself. He took Đán with him. They had a bunch of books. I think Đán took them out just so he could use the self-checkout machine.

They behaved rather well the entire time. I asked them if they would like to do this again. Đạo said yes but “poor mommy had to stay home. Maybe we can stay home and take care of Xuân so she could have some time alone.” What a lovely thought.

At this point we all need some time out to calm our mind. Except for last night, I have not slept much since Sunday. I need time to figure out the way forward. Spending the next four days and nights together is not going to resolve the situation. Since the kid is already feeling uncomfortable around our kids, why do we want to put him through it?

All I am suggesting is that we need some time off. Give the kid a chance to build his confident and feel comfortable. At the same time, we need the time to talk to our kids about bullying. I was bullied from fifth grade and throughout middle school. I was called “Ching chong” and all the racist Asian terms out there. I was pushed and shoved for standing up for myself. I never brought it up to my mom because I afraid it would hurt her. One time I got punched, fought back, and got suspended; therefore, I could not hide it from her. I did not know that fighting back could also cause me a three-day suspension. I cried during the three days and my grades dropped drastically at the end of that quarter. After that incident, I made a promised to myself that I will not let them beat me academically even if they could beat me physically.

From my own first-hand experience of being bullied, I thought I understood bullying. I would hate to see my kids turning into bullies; therefore, I still need to find the line for bullying. Is saying “If you don’t say ‘wow’ to our baby then we won’t say ‘wow’ to your baby” considered bullying? Is that statement worth crying out loud? Do the parents need to step in to defend that? All these issues needed to be worked out.

I am not trying to avoid the situation. They are cousins and I can’t separate them forever. From summer vacation to family reunion, there will be plenty of time for them to be together. Now is not the time. Everyone is too emotional. I am writing this blog post means that I am too. I don’t want to spend four days and nights watching the kids’ every move to make sure that our kids won’t make the other kid upset and to make sure that the parents aren’t jumping at the kids’ throat. Why putting everyone through misery?

I proposed that we treat it like playdates. One or two hours a week until the kid feel comfortable again. I don’t see that as avoiding the problem.

Ba đã quá hèn nhát nên đã không lên tiếng khi tụi con bị người lớn vì bênh vực con mình mà đã giận dữ với tụi con. Thậm chí cả ba cũng rầy la tụi con khi thấy con người ta khóc. Người ta thương yêu con họ hơn ba yêu thương tụi con. Ba vì sợ mếch lòng người lớn nên đã yên lặng.

Nhưng ba rất hảnh diện khi thấy tụi con bị đối xử như vậy mà vẫn không khóc. Cuộc đời này là vậy đó con. Trong tương lai con sẽ còn gặp nhiều chuyện khó khăn hơn. Nếu con có nghị lực sẽ không ai có thể đánh gục tụi con. Cha mẹ sẽ không lúc nào cũng ở bên con. Nên tụi con phải mạnh dạn lên. Đừng để thiên hạ làm tổn thương đến con.

Be resilient, my sons.

As their kid became more sensitive, especially when he was around our kids, the parents saw our boys as bullies. They sought out advice from other parents. Without knowing our kids, other parents told them to jump in immediately to intervene when their kid being bullied.

Instead of coming to us to raise their concerns about our kids, they took it upon themselves to deal with our kids. If they were to use the opportunity to teach them about bullying then I would have appreciated their effort. Instead they immediately jumped to defend their boy whenever he got upset. At first they raised their voice a little. When my kid said “You are mean,” their kid didn’t get a chance to respond, the mother replied, “He is not mean. How is he mean? That’s not nice to say.” Although I did notice the tone was a bit upsetting, I did not respond. Then it continued to escalate to yelling and grabbing. In retrospect, I should have spoken up. I have too much respect for them and I didn’t want to cause any friction within the family.

Their interventions did not helped their kid because he learned that his parents will defend him no matter what he did. As he got more sensitive, the attacks gotten more vicious to our kids to the point that I needed to straighten up the parents even if it has to fracture our relationships.

Now that we recognized the issue, I hope that we can work together to help the kids have a better, friendlier relationship. Family gathering should be fun, not stressful. They are at the age now that they can play on their own. I don’t want to have to hover them all the time to make sure that no one is crying or upsetting. Since they haven’t beat each other to the pulp yet, we can still help them overcome their conflicts. We just need to step back and give them space.

Adam Gopnik:

Child rearing is an art, and what makes art art is that it is doing several things at once. The trick is accepting limits while insisting on standards. Character may not be malleable, but behavior is. The same parents can raise a dreamy, reflective girl and a driven, competitive one—the job is not to nurse her nature but to help elicit the essential opposite: to help the dreamy one to be a little more driven, the competitive one to be a little more reflective.

Gopnik concludes:

Nothing works in child rearing because everything works. If kids are happy and absorbed, in the flow, that’s all we can ask of them, in Berlin or in Brooklyn. Nothing works in the long run, but the mistake lies in thinking that the long run is the one that counts.