My kids log on their devices as soon as they wake up on weekends and come home from school on weekdays. They don’t do much else. They don’t read. They don’t do homework. They don’t study. They don’t help around the house. Their grades are dropping and they don’t care.

I am frustrated, disappointed, and hopeless. My wife and I keep fighting over this and we don’t see eye to eye on the issue. We are moving further apart on parenting. I can’t stand it when kids disrespect their parents and here we are.

My dad slapped me or hit me with a log. I thought he was so cruel, but now I understand. I probably deserved it. At times, I want to slap the taste out of my kids’ mouth for being disrespectful, but then I don’t want to hurt them. I am so conflicted.

I love them too much to let them ruin their lives. They spend so much time on their devices and yet they never get enough. One of my kids told me straight out that he doesn’t want to spend time with me anymore. He just wants to spend time with his PC all day, everyday.

With my older kids, I told them countless times about the importance of education. They don’t care. Their grades are slipping. I told them about managing their screen time. They don’t care. They continue to spend hours and hours on their devices. I want to take them out, but one of the older ones wants to stay home. I am getting tired of making him go. The older kids aren’t doing any sports or physical activities.

My hopes and dreams for my kids had died. The bar is so low now. I have no expectations for them. I don’t know how they will survive without us if all they do is wasting their time on their devices and not picking up any other skills. I won’t be here forever. My health is not great and I don’t expect to live long.

Furthermore, I don’t want to put my relationship with my wife at risk. This is the biggest reason that the kids are getting away with their digital usage. Until she collaborates with me, I can’t do much for them.

Of course I have nothing but love for my four boys, but I sympathize with Xuân. It doesn’t mean that I am favoring him. I just know all my kids strengths and weaknesses.

Without a doubt, Xuân is physically strong. He’s athletic. He’s the only one in the family who competes in swimming. He has no fear riding the scooter at the skateparks. He is a hell of a skier. He makes tremendous progress on snowboarding this season. He eats well and grows fast.

In contrast to his strong physical, his emotion is weak. He lets people’s words get to him. Đạo and Đán seized on his vulnerability and they attacked verbally every chance they got. Even when I told them to stop, they wouldn’t. That was when I exploded and they accused me of favoritism. They could call me whatever they wanted, but I couldn’t just stand by and let them berate their younger brother to tears.

Even little Vương picked on Xuân. When Vương got mad, he would hit his older brother, but Xuân never hit his younger brother back. I wouldn’t want Xuân to hit Vương back either, but my heart hurt for Xuân.

Last Saturday, the three of us went riding together. Vương skied down to the lift first. Then Xuân snowboarded down and pulled a brake. He sprayed some snow on Vương. Vương got mad and hit his forehead with his pole. When I snowboarded down, I saw Xuân holding his head in the snow and crying. I was so mad. Vương could have poked Xuân’s eye with his pole. I yelled at Vương. He got mad and decided to ski back to the base himself. I let him go alone.

I don’t know how Xuân is doing in school when I am not around. I hope he can defend himself. Better yet, I hope he doesn’t let other people’s words get to him. Whenever I am not with my kids. I think about them a lot, especially Xuân. I hope one day his brothers will understand him, love him, care for him, and protect him. That’s what brotherhood is all about.

As I am sitting on the coach listening to my second and third sons taking their piano private lessons, I hear no progress. The instructor is doing his best, but he can’t help them if they don’t put their effort into their playing.

They spend hours after hours on their digital devices each day. I hardly hear them practice playing piano. Their hearts aren’t in it, why are they still taking lessons? These private lessons aren’t cheap. My wife and I discussed and argued over this issue. She wanted them to continue. I caved in. I don’t want it to be the reason to break us.

My wife and I are moving further and further away from where we want to raise our kids. For example, I want to limit their use of screen time by shutting down the internet at a certain time. She wants it on all the time and they sit in front of their screens until she screams at them to get off. I don’t mind paying for private piano lessons, skiing, snowboarding, or any activities if they put their efforts into them. If they don’t appreciate what we provide for them, why should we waste our money?

If one of us lost our job one day, we would be screwed. The thought of losing an income worries me, particularly if I would be the one. It stresses me out everyday. I explained to the kids many times about taking these privileges for granted, but they just don’t get it. I don’t want to repeat it anymore.

Reading about the deadly crash that killed two adults, one 17-year-old kid, and injured 4 little kids devastated me. I didn’t know the parents personally, but I know someone who knew them. If you can help the surviving kids, please donate.

Driving has been really stressful for me. On my recent trip to Stowe, I drove 12 hours each way, even though Google estimated 8.5 hours. Last year, I drove our family to Mount Snow and we got hit with a snowstorm in late March. Our 2018 Toyota Sienna SE skidded. We couldn’t get up the hill. Luckily a local man helped us out and showed us the bigger road. It was a relief that we made it to the rental house.

I had always worried about driving the entire family. I have 6 lives under my watch. As a result, I had always been extra careful and over stressed. Even a small nail could derail our trip. Now I have an air pump and repair kit in the car just in case.

I bear the responsibility for their safety. I need to be extra careful and extra alert.

No doubt I love skiing and snowboarding and of course I miss my children, but traveling solo gives me the space to reflect on my role as a father. Unlike the everyday chaos at home, I am sitting alone in a motel room while the snow is falling outside the window. The quietness and emptiness aren’t what I have gotten used to.

Time seems to slow down when I am alone. My mind is cleared and all I can think of is my children. Their voices, their cries, their laughters, their words replay in my mind. Even though they have changed in their own way with time, those special moments will forever remain in my memory.

Being alone at the moment gives me the space I needed to appreciate their companion. When I am always with them, I take their presence for granted. When I am away, I feel there’s something missing in my heart. My kids complete my life.

All fathers love their kids. That’s just human nature. At times though, I am not sure if I know how to love them. I struggle with this everyday. How can I provide them a happy life? How do I guide them in the right direction? How do I know what they want instead of what I want for them? If they fail or if they succeed, does it matter?

I kept telling myself, “Don’t worry. They will turn out fine.” And yet, I have not laid my worries to rest.

My Lil Xuân Shine is back writing consistently on his blog. I am so glad that he finds the time to practice his writing. He is showing improvements. Of course, I love seeing my kids blogging. Đạo and Đán don’t write much anymore. I hope they will come back as well. Free-writing or blogging is so much fun. They can write whatever they want. There’s no restriction or limitation. All they need to do is just type, just like what I am doing now. They know at least one person is reading their blog and commenting on them as well.

Đạo had been asking my wife and I for a new laptop. His first laptop, which was purchased two years ago, was getting too slow to render his 3D models. He has been creating digital arts for a while and he has been posting his work on Instagram. I have no problem supporting his artistic passion, but I am concerned about his digital usage.

I hesitated to buy him a new laptop because I just didn’t want him to glue to his screen. At the same time, I wanted him to have a creative outlet. Any form of art is good. I studied digital art in college, but I was not good at drawing. I was better at designing. Even though I am no longer nagging him about his grades, I would like him to care about his education. Furthermore, I wanted him to be a role model for his younger siblings.

I asked him to write to tell me why he needed a new laptop and he gave me legitimate reasons. I also asked him to write to tell me why he deserves a new laptop. Once again, he delivered.

Yesterday, I took him to Micro Center to buy the laptop he had been researching. He did his homework and picked out a good deal. He was excited about the new laptop. It’s his early Christmas present. I do hope that he keeps his words on grades, priorities, and brothers.

I met with Xuân’s teachers last Thursday. His English teacher informed me that he has been struggling with language arts. Part of his struggle has been my fault. I hadn’t read Let’s Read with him for a few months. He hadn’t practiced writing much. Somehow our routine had messed up. I took him to the skatepark more than spent time reading and writing.

After Vương busted his chin, Xuân had been reluctant to scooter. He still scootered, but not as much anymore. My foot had been hurt as well due to gout; therefore, I hadn’t rollerbladed much neither. It was time to refocus on the kids’ education.

After my meeting with Xuân’s teachers and his first report was not looking so good, I asked him to study with me. Xuân still does what I ask him to do. I encouraged him to pick up blogging again and he has been doing it. He could write whatever he liked. I am glad to see that he is getting back to it. His recent posts are so cute. I hope he will continued.

I worked from home today; therefore, I picked up Xuân and Vương from school to go to the skatepark. Đạo tagged along as well. We skated for about 15 minutes before Vương slipped, fell, and busted his chin on the concrete inside the bowl at Wakefield. I took him to the ER to get stitched up.

Xuân busted his chin twice before. The second time was also at the skatepark and I took him to the same ER. Xuân gained back his confidence and went back to the skatepark a couple of days later. He had not thought much about it. He continued to soar.

I am not sure if Vương will do the same or he would just quit after this incident. I won’t hold it against him. Accidents happen, especially at the skatepark. I had my share of accidents. I twisted my knee one time and hit my head on the ground another. Even though I had my helmet on, I blacked out for a few seconds.

Vương’s accident gave me a pause. The skatepark could be a dangerous place even just a minor mistake. Then again if I wanted to prevent accidents, I would never skate, ski, or snowboard. Life is short and a bit of risk is good.

I talked to my kids’ piano teacher about skiing. He would love to give it a try, but he was afraid of breaking his hands, which are his livelihood. A nail technician told me the same concern. If she were to break her hands, she wouldn’t be able to do her work. It could be true for me as well. I wouldn’t be able to design if my hands weren’t working. Fortunately, I didn’t think about it that way when I picked up any of these sports. I am glad that I didn’t factor accidents into the sports. For me, the reward outweighs the risk.

Getting stitched up sucks, but I hope Vương won’t give up. Life will be full of challenges and he will have to weather through them. This was one of the challenges he faced. Stay strong, my son.

I responded to the LDHV parents:

Dear All,

Thank you Chị T and cChị K for your hard work, dedication, and perspective. Now, allow me to put my head on the chopping block.

After reading this email, my wife was furious—not at the message, but at me. I hardly took out the trash at home, and yet I went above and beyond as one of the trash guys for LDHV. All kidding aside, I appreciate the recognition, but I can’t take all the credits. Other parents whose names aren’t on the list had stepped up with the trash and the water as well.

Big shout out to all the parents for participating in the LDHV activities. As Trưởng BT always says, “Without your willingness to take your kids to our events, there would be no Pack.”

When my wife and I decided to sign our kids up for scouting, we went with LDHV because of its reputation and the unity between parents and leaders. It was true. In the first few meetings, I felt connected as being part of an extended family.

In contrast, I heard divisive stories within other LDs from classism to status to gossip. Being one of the longest parents in LDHV (since 2019), I can testify that LDHV is above those.

Let’s continue to set an exemplary example for our kids.

Regards,

Donny Truong