On Saturday, I went to 99 Ranch and spotted black sesame cereal. Memories of my mother rushed in. I bought a bag to drink in the morning so I could remember her. I can still recall those winter mornings when my mom made me a piping hot cup of black sesame cereal before I walked in the freezing cold to school. I almost wept thinking about her and her unconditional love for me.
My mother devoted her whole life to me, especially when we migrated to the United States. Without my father, her focus was solely on me. In retrospect, I wish she had lived her life and made me part of her life. Because she bet everything she had on me, I faced the pressure of not letting down. I knew I had to make her proud. I could see that she worried about my presence as well as my future. She put all of her hopes and dreams in me; therefore, failing wouldn’t be an option. I knew I had to get that college paper.
I carry the same mentality as a father now. I worry about my kids way too much. I am afraid that they are getting addicted to digital devices. Telling them why I don’t want them to spend too much time on their devices only backfires. They think I hate them and ruin their lives. It is much harder to reforge the rule if I am the only one to think they shouldn’t spend too much time on their devices.
My wife and I have different methods of parenting and we often clash. To make peace, I am backing off. At the same time, I don’t want to give them the pressure like my mother did for me. I don’t want to devote my entire life to them. I don’t want to love them unconditionally. I have to trust that they will figure it out on their own. Every opportunity I could give, I already offered to them. If they fail or succeed, they will have to own it. I can’t spend my whole life worrying them. I will accept however they will turn out.
I am not sure how they will do. I can’t predict the future. I just have to wait and see. For now, I just need to enjoy the time we spend on earth together. I don’t know when I will go given my current health condition. Even though I am not in great shape, I am feeling fine. I can still do many sports, but I just don’t know.