I don’t know how to love anyone but myself. I feel like it’s me against the world. I push everyone away. I take love for granted. Instead of doing everything I can to keep what I have, I am worrying about what I would lose. It’s my defensive move. How would I move on on my own? I no longer have my mother to return to. I no longer have my father to run to. How would I fulfill my own duty as a father? Would I just leave them like he had left me? Would I go on and start the damn cycle again? Would I ever find happiness again?
Why do I only prepare for the worse instead of trying to make things better? Why do I try to run away instead of dealing with the issues? I have too much to lose. Unlike the past, I will not get a clean cut this time. Everything would be messy. Is saving myself worth all the sacrifices? Is it worthwhile putting myself before my kids? Spending a day with them, even in the worst state of mind, made me realize what a lucky father I am and yet I am doing everything to lose that privilege.
The other night Đán asked me, “What’s wrong? You seem depressed.” I stayed silent. He went on, “You can tell me, daddy.” I was so touched that my son could see what I am going through and that he would lend me an ear. His love hit me hard. I can’t risk losing that.
I am not as tough as I wanted to be. My emotions are not as strong as I thought. I do care even when I say I don’t. I need love too and I can’t lose my loved ones. I will do everything to make things right. I apologize for my self-centered selfishness. I don’t deserve another chance and I don’t expect forgiveness. I’m so sorry, I’m so obnoxious. My only accomplice is my conscience.