Losing My Relationships

As I grew older, I dismantled more relationships than I acquired. I screwed up so many times. Some relationships just died, but some truly flourished. I deeply treasure and appreciate the latter.

My relationship with my family has not always been easy. I had done many things that hurt my mom and she had said things that crushed my soul. At the end of the day, we forgave and moved on because we can’t abandon each other. The same deal applies to my sisters. We fought, argued, and made up without any apology. Right or wrong, we heard and understood our perspectives.

My romantic relationships started off great but ended up on bad terms. How did we go from lovers to hating each other? I must have fucked up real bad. I have not heard from them after our relationship ended. I wish we could have been friends rather than foes, but I don’t blame them. On the positive side, those failed relationships taught me to be a better partner. I learned to avoid the mistakes I made.

My relationship with my wife had not always been smooth-sailing. We had been through storms and tornadoes, but we survived this far. She has been tolerable and understandable. She has not been shied away from pointing out my flaws. Some flaws I corrected and some I simply neglected. We fought and argued, but we were being completely honest with each other. There is nothing we cannot talk about. We love, trust, and respect each other. I can’t ask for more than those in our relationship.

I am terrible in the friendship department. I regret that I didn’t hold on to the friendships I had in middle and high school. We grew apart as our lives had become more complex. My college experience was isolated. I passed in academics, but failed miserably in social life. Now it is impossible to create new friendships. I tried, but failed. I can’t even find a drinking buddy, except for a friend from Canada. I am grateful that he had always reached out to me when he came to town. Although we don’t hang out everyday, I consider him an exceptional friend. Even though we only meet once or twice a year, I have always been happy and comfortable around him and his company.

The most uncomfortable relationships are the forced ones. I had a hard time dealing with those because I couldn’t tell the boundaries. I didn’t want to step into their space; therefore, I didn’t know how to communicate. In retrospect, I should have been open and upfront before the tension built up. Instead I let all hell break loose and the damage I created is unrecoverable. I regret that I handled the situation with thoughtlessness. I let my mind speak without addressing the issues directly. Now nothing has changed except for the awkwardness. That bridge has collapsed. We’re just pretending it still holds up.