Drinking Emotions

Last Saturday, we threw a small party for forty members of our family to celebrate my mom’s 80th birthday. In a fun, love-filled mood, I wanted to have some spirit. My two drinking cousins were there as well so we needed a little reconnection. One of my cousins has gout just like me. As a drinker all his life, he rather lives with the pain than giving up drinking. He now has a huge ball his hand and he still won’t quit.

In reminiscing the good old time and the suffering with gout, I broke out a bottle of Rémy Martin XO. With not too much food in my system (I had to follow Xuân), I finished the bottle with my two cousins. With beer and saké and XO, the two cousins got knocked out. I only limited myself to the XO; therefore, I was not as bad as they were.

At around one in the morning, I was drunk and dead tired, but could not sleep. The hot liquor was flowing through my body and imageries were streaming in my head. All the personal thoughts I would never reveal started to play out in my head. I don’t know if that process is hallucination.

I was half asleep and half awake. I could see the lights coming in the window, but I could not get up until Xuân woke up and wanted to go outside. The XO didn’t give me a headache, but I could feel the hangover. It was a beautiful Sunday morning. I held Xuân’s hand and we walked together out of the house. It was peaceful and I watched every step that he took. I marveled the way he walked carefully off the porch and the he we picked up dead flower from the lawn. In my fucked up head, I almost choked up witnessing a young, innocent kid who is curious about little things in life.

Hard liquor changed my mood. All the vulnerabilities and regrets were fucking with my emotions. Why am I getting myself into this state of mind? It allows me to access the deep secret part of my life that I can not do when I am sobered.