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Chris Rock’s 10 Funniest Jokes

I am a Chris Rock fanatic. I love his work. From Bring the Pain to Bigger and Blacker to Never Scared, he never fails to crack me up. So here are my top ten jokes taken from the three HBO specials.

10. Krispy Kreme Doughnuts
He is damn right. If he told you that Krispy Kreme doughnuts got crack in them you would say, “I knew something was up.”

09. Divorce
This is a good one. Women go to court and get some money because she is accustomed to this and used to that. What about what a man is accustomed to? “I’m accustomed to fucking her 4 times a week. Now I at least should be able to fuck her twice a week. I mean, she can have the alimony but I want some pussy payment.”

08. Woman Beater
You just have to watch him in action on this one, “I would never hit a woman in my life but I’ll shake the shit out of her.”

07. No Black Vice President
I am wondering how the hell did he gets away with this, “If we have a black vice president right now, I couldn’t wait to KILL the president… What’s gonna happen to me? You gonna put me in jail with a bunch of black guys that would treat me like a hero for the rest of my life… I’ll be in jail and a guy comes up to me, ‘Yo Chris, I hope my kids will turn out just like you. Man, you know, I was getting ready to rape you until I realized who you were.'”

06. Married and Bored or Single and Lonely
Once you’re married, kiss all your dreams good-bye and “make the bitch happy.” Good relationship is simply eating and fucking.

05. Affirmative Action
His view on Affirmative Action is brilliant, “I don’t think I should get a job over a white person if I scored a lower mark on the test but if there’s a tie, fuck them. You have 400 years head start motherfucker.”

04. Platonic Friends
Damn straight! A platonic friend to a woman is like “a dick in a glass case. Incase of emergency break open glass.”

03. Toss Salad Man
Damn, this one is crazy. I can’t have toss salad any more. “Well, when a man is sucking your dick, he can pretend that’s something else. When he’s eating ass, he knows it’s ass.”

02. Black People Vs. Niggas
Oh man! He is on fire on this one, “Nigga wants credit for something they suppose to do… A Nigga would say some shit like, ‘I take care of my kid.’ You suppose to, you dumb motherfucker./ Nigga love to keep it real. Real dumb!/ Black man that got 2 jobs go to work everyday hates Nigga on welfare. I got 2 jobs, you can’t get one. / A black woman that got 2 kids, going to work everyday busting her ass hates bitches with 9 kids on welfare. Bitch! Stop fucking, put the dick down. Get a job holding dick. Whatever you do, get pay to do it.”

01. Gun Control
His idea on this issue is damn hilarious and quite clever, “People will think before they kill somebody if a bullet costs $5,000. Man, I’ma blow your fucking head off if I can afford it.”

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