Dear Ðán,

You turn 13 today. Happy birthday. You are growing older and wiser. I hope you will make good choices. Out of my four boys, I worry about you the most. I must admit. I screwed up.

I screwed up my responsibility as a father. I am failing to prevent you from sinking into the digital ocean. Every single day, my heart drops seeing you glued to your chair playing video games.

For someone with so much potential, you dropped everything except spending time on your PC. I don’t want to see you this way and it is all my fault. I was too soft and too weak. I caved in.

I am hurt that you don’t want to spend time with me and told me to leave you alone. I am heartbroken that you said you don’t need me anymore, except when you need help with your English homework.

Of course I jumped at the opportunity to help you with anything. I am glad that you reached out to me when you needed me. I am so relieved that you are staying on top of your school work. I am proud of your grades. Your hard work paid off.

Education is important, but so are family, friends, and self-care. Sitting in front of your PC every chance you get is not healthy, mentally and physically. Not knowing when to walk away is an addiction. Not knowing your limitations is an addiction. Getting angry when being asked repeatedly to get off is an addiction.

It is so hard for me to write this letter. I want you to be happy. I want to stay out of your way, as you have wished, but I can’t turn the other way when I see you become less active and less interactive.

I am lost for words and for directions. I don’t know what to say and what to do. I hope that you will turn out OK. I hope that I am just worrying too much about you. Deep down, I love you from the bottom of my heart whether you know it or not. I am here when you need me.

No matter what goes on. No matter what happens. You will always be my son and I always want what is best for you.

Love,
Dad

Dear Đạo,

Thank you for expressing your frustrations. I appreciate your honest criticism of my parenting approach. As a father, I know my children’s strengths and weaknesses; therefore, I treat each of you differently. No matter how many times I explained to you the difference between struggling and being irresponsible. Let me clear them up for the last time.

Your brother is struggling in school. His teachers raised concerns. Your mother and I could see that too; therefore, we are helping him to catch up. We asked him to help him, especially with Spanish, but every time you did, you sounded as if you were being forced to do it. I had to stop you because you weren’t being helpful. I had to take him to the library for someone else your age to help him. He’s struggling, but he is willing to get help and I can see that he has made tremendous improvements, especially in reading.

You are not struggling. You did well on your tests. Even if you didn’t, you had another chance to retake. What you aren’t doing are your projects and assignments. You received low grades not because you were struggling, you just were doing your work. Even though your mother and I constantly reminded you to do your assignments, you still let them slip by. I constantly offered to help, but you always said you already took care of your work. Then the progress reports showed missing assignments.

Since seventh grade, you have not shown that you can hold up your responsibilities as a student. Again, not because you are struggling. If I am wrong, however, please let me know. I will get you all the help you need just like your brothers.

I apologize for overlooking your 3D arts. I fall short on your creative outlet. I didn’t brush it off intentionally. I hope you will continue to do only what you enjoy. As you can see, I make mistakes too. I am not perfect. In fact, I am far from being a good father based on your assessment.

When I was a kid, my father was never around. When I became a father, my goal was to be around you for as much as I could. I worried too much and it clearly backfired. I cared about your well-being. I cared about your grades. I cared about your path in life, especially if you chose the wrong one. Whether you turn out good or bad, it will not impact me, but it will impact you.

After 15 years, I have said enough. If I continue to say what I need to say in 30 more years, it wouldn’t help if you don’t want to listen. From our conversation last night, I realized that I haven’t been helpful in reminding you to keep up your grades, to cut down your digital usage, and to be a role model for your younger brothers. No more bans for flunking school. No more restrictions for spending time on your digital devices. No more requests for helping out with your siblings.

If you need me, of course, I am always here for you.

Love,
Dad

My Daring Vương,

I can’t believe you are turning 6 today. My baby boy is growing up fast. You continue to prove that you can do anything when you put your mind to it and you only do things on your own terms. When you decided to ski on your own, you just told me to get rid of the harness. When you made up your mind to switch from the balance bike to scooter, you went for it.

I am so glad that you have decided to join Liên Đoàn Hùng Vương’s Cub Scout this year. You only attended a couple of the meetings, but the leaders had already noticed your potential and dedication. You even started a patrol yell. I am looking forward to our bonding times together with the cubs. You will have a great time with your brother Xuân at camping activities.

At a young age, you already showed signs of independence. You don’t need my help to do things for you even though a task could take you a long time to accomplish. I like that attitude in you. The sooner you can do things on your own, the better off you will be out in the world. Maybe, being the forth boy in the family makes you become more independent. Your mother and I had seen so many tricks your brothers had pulled before; therefore, we don’t pamper you as much. No doubt, you still get the most love for being the youngest.

Your standout quality has to be your strong mind. You don’t let anything around distract you. You don’t let anyone get to you. You have no problem playing in a group, but you are also comfortable playing by yourself with your dinosaurs. I love our verbal interactions, in which we trash talk each other. Even with your limited vocabulary, you know how to attack me and try to get under my skin. The reason I am battling you is because I know you can take it. I also want to prepare you to stay strong when insults thrown your way. Talk is cheap. Don’t let people get under your skin.

Happy birthday, Vương. I have nothing but love for you.
Dad

Dear Vương,

In retrospect, we haven’t spent much one-on-one time together. You’re still a mama boy. I am cool with that. I am sure you will come around when you are ready. You have always done things on your own terms.

When you first learned to ski, you wanted me to hold on to your harness. Then one day you decided to ski on your own. At first you didn’t want to ride your balance bike, but then one day you were rolling down the ramps at the skatepark on your own. Right now you don’t even want to take swimming lessons. You want to figure it out on your own first. That’s cool with me.

Being the youngest in the family, you get all the love; therefore, you don’t need to compete for attention. You just stay low keys. I like that about your personality. I am learning so much from you. Whenever you don’t want to do something or if someone tries to get under your skin, you give them the middle finger and say, “I don’t care.” How badass is that? I can’t even scold you for the middle finger. When you have that much confidence in yourself, no one can mess with you.

Another important lesson you had taught me that I could not forget even though it had been a few years already. You and I were racing down the sidewalk after a heavy rain. As we reached a big puddle of water, I carefully stopped and tried to figure out how to get over it. You just ran through it without thinking. Not only beating me, but you also splashed water all over me. I realized that sometimes in life you just go for it. I spent too much time thinking. As a result, I hadn’t gotten anywhere in life. You will go further than I ever have been.

I enjoy watching you play, hearing you talk, and seeing you grow each day. Time passes by so fast. Before we know it, you will become a young man and I will become an old man. Thank you for still letting me hug you and kiss you.

I love you so much, baby Vương.
Dad!

Dear Đán,

I wish I could take away all your blemishes. Then again, no one is perfect. As you have repeatedly pointed out, I have many flaws. I have learned to accept them as part of who I am. I can’t let them affect my life. I hope that you will learn to accept them as well.

Being the second born out of the four brothers is hard. You might feel left out, but I can reassure you that you are always on my mind. I think of you everyday. I have tremendous love for you and I want to be close to you. I am always available for you. You can come to me anytime. You can talk to me about anything. If you want to do something together, we can make that happen.

My only goal as a father is to provide you a happy, fulfilling life. If anything I can do to reach my goal, please let me know. I really wish we can spend some time together. I am down with fishing, shooting some hoops, or passing some ping pongs. Of course, we can snowboard together as well.

You have an incredible athletic ability. You picked up ice skating, rollerblading, and snowboarding with ease. I struggled to learn snowboarding and wished I had your skills. Through determination, I can ride the board now. I lacked the skills; therefore, I had to work hard. You had the skills, but your heart wasn’t in it. Talent without passion and hard work can only take you so far. Then again, we can just play sports for fun and to stay active.

As you are growing, I hope you will learn to balance your life and manage your time. Step away from your screen, reconnect with nature, and spend time with your loved ones, including your dad.

I love you, my boy!
Dad

Dear Xuân,

I am so proud of you for receiving this year’s Most Dedicated award in your swimming league. I am glad that your coach and your team recognized your efforts.

Because of summer school, you couldn’t practice with your team. Nevertheless, you went to the pool and practiced on your own. You competed in almost every meet and gave all of your best.

You won fourth place in the 25-meter freestyle in the Northern Virginia Swimming League Division Championships. Your time was 18.71 seconds. That’s an accomplishment.

Your time has improved tremendously across the board since you started swimming. You thrive and excel when you put your mind to it. You did it with skiing and scootering, but swimming is where your heart at. I hope you will continue to ski and scooter with me, but your mother and I will support you all the way in swimming.

Keep your passion alive. As long as you are willing to put in the time and the efforts, you will go far. I have faith in you. I have nothing but love for you. Do your things, my Xuânshine!

Love,
Dad

Dear Đạo,

Thank you for spending two days with me. Even though we see each other everyday, it was a much needed quality time together for the two of us.

With four kids under the same roof, I felt as if I had neglected you; therefore, I was glad to have a chance to be with you. It meant so much to me that you were willing to spend time with me and I didn’t have to force you.

I am sorry for getting on your case about your school work, screen time, and sibling bickering. Because I cared about you deeply, I couldn’t stay out of your business.

The two days we spent together made me realize how much you have matured. My little Duke had grown up. You are sweet, kind, and understanding. I am proud of the young man you are becoming.

Our love for skiing keeps us bonded together. The past two days were some of the happiest moments in my life. I will always remember our time together.

Later on when you have your own life, don’t forget to take some time off your busy schedule to shred together. I hope to be able to keep skiing and snowboarding in my 70s.

I have nothing but love for you, son.

Love,
Dad

My Dearest Đạo,

It is hard to believe you are turning 15. I used to hold your tiny body in my arms and now you are even taller than me. You are becoming a fine young man. I might be strict on you at times, but I am proud of you.

Thank you for helping me out when I needed a hand. I can rely on you to complete the job. I ask for your help so you can learn to work with your hands. When I was your age, I didn’t fix anything around the house. I ended up not knowing much.

When we first moved into our house, which was when you were born, I hesitated to repair anything. Unfortunately, hiring a handyman these days is much more expensive than my own income. I ended up learning as much as I could from watching YouTube videos and trials and errors.

I used to lack the confidence to fix things on my own because I was afraid of making them worse. I don’t want you to lack the confidence like I did. Having some extra skills on your hands will always be useful. You don’t need to depend on others to do the jobs for you.

In sports, you are a fantastic skier. I loved shredding on the mountains with you. I hope we can continue to do so in many more winters to come. If you ever decided to pick up snowboarding, I can give you some tips.

I hope I drilled enough in your head about the importance of education. Call us old school, but your mom and I still believe that education is the standard for having a good life later on. When I was your age, I was more interested in getting that piece of paper than learning, which was my mistake. If you have to go to school anyway, you might as well learn as much as you can. Again, don’t be like me. I learned more after I graduated than I did when I was in school.

In regard to our digital consumption, I am deeply concerned, but I also understand it is hard to pull away from our screens. I didn’t do a very good job of guiding you and your brothers through the digital temptations. As you are getting more mature, I hope that you can manage and balance your time.

Happy birthday, my oldest son. I love you with all my heart.
Dad

Dear Đạo,

Thank you for writing me a letter explaining your reasons for getting another phone to replace your broken one. I wanted you to write them down so that you will remember your own words so I won’t have to repeat myself over and over again.

The most challenging part of being a parent is worrying too much about your kids. On many occasions, my words had fallen on deaf ears. Many times, I just wanted to leave you to your own devices and not say a word. Can I still love you, but I don’t have to care? It is impossible for me to do. I have to care for you if I love you.

As an inexperienced parent, I had made too many mistakes. I thought being involved with your kids was all that I needed to do. I was so wrong. You have your own interests and they don’t align with mine. That should be fine. I have learned to accept it.

As a parent, my goal is for you to be proud of yourself, not for me to be proud of you. I am not pushing you to go the extra mile for your education. I just want you to complete your assignments and keep up your grades. In your letter, you indicate that you understand why I stress that school is your first priority.

Trust me, studying and earning good grades will pay off later in life. You only have three more years of high school left. Time will fly by and you will need to be prepared. You learn how to learn now so that later you will have a much easier time in college and your life.

You are a good reader and an excellent writer. These two essential skills will get you through anything in life. The only reason you were falling behind was that you didn’t put in the effort. You let your phone and your computer distract you. Again, the rules will apply if you don’t keep up your school work. So enjoy your new phone, but don’t forget your priorities.

Love,
Dad

Letter from Đạo

Dear Dad,

You requested that I write this letter, explanations for the use of a phone. This letter is also to explain the consequences if my grades slip. Here we go.

Use 1: Navigation. Phones with a GPS can be useful, to help me navigate around when we travel, an easily accessible map, compass, and other useful navigation tools, including letting you send me exact, pinpoint directions to you or places where you want me to go. I also need a device to call if I get into trouble and I need emergency services

Use 2: Communication. Assuming I have a sim card, and I have cell service, I can call and text you and mom. This can be useful when you want to find me, tell me something useful, or just need me to grab you something from downstairs. A phone will also let me talk to my friends, both through text and call. By being able to talk to my friends, we can make plans to hang out, bring stuff to events, help each other with homework, and keep up to date with things going on.

Use 3: Entertainment. Not really a “useful” thing, but a phone can keep me entertained, whether it be watching videos to playing games. I won’t do these most of the time, as they take a hit on battery and cellular data. I also like to use my phone as an audio player to listen to music.

Use 4: Writing. This has its own category, because you know I did this on my old phone a lot. Writing in the car is the main reason I have written over 200 pages of a story. The writing is also how I cure boredom in the car during long drives to Vermont.

Use 5: Memories. I don’t want to go somewhere I might never go again and not have something to say for it. A phone will let me take great photos and will allow me to store them for a few years, and to enjoy them later down the line.

I understand the consequences of bad grades, both in the present and in the future. In the present, grades mean you will ground me, take my laptop, and my phone. In the future, poor grades can limit my chances to get into a good college, a good job, and progressing in life. I understand that as my dad, you are concerned for my future, and want to make sure I turn out right.

Your Son,
Dao

Dear Xuân,

Of course your mom and I would like to hear about your day. Tennis is a fun sport. I am glad you are learning it in PE so you can teach me how to play. I would love to see your patterns for Alebrijes. I can’t wait to read your realistic fiction story. It sounded like you had a fun, productive week.

Over the weekend, I had a wonderful time accommodating you on your Cub Scout’s camping trip. Even though you had a busy schedule, I enjoyed the time you and I spent together. I had a great pleasure observing you playing, learning, and interacting with your Cub Scout buddies. It also gave me an opportunity to connect with your buddies’ parents.

My goal for you to join scouting is for you to explore new territories, learn leadership skills, and connect with others. You are on the right path. I hope that you will continue to be open-minded, stay curious, and become independent.

Thanks for keeping me company at the skatepark. Thanks for reading with me on a regular basis. Thank you for your willingness to get tutored to improve your reading and writing. I can’t wait to read your letter next week.

Love,
Dad