Mid-Life State of Mind

Yesterday, I bid farewell to an acquaintance for the last time. I hadn’t seen him for a few years and he was hardly recognizable in his coffin. Cancer had eaten him up. Just a push of a button and he was nothing but ashes. He was 69 years old and barely had a chance to enjoy his retirement.

These days, everything seems to be uncertain. I can’t get a grip of my anxiety. Everything I care about seems to be drifting away. As I am aging, the people around me are dying from cancer, stroke, or diabete. Some form of terminal illnesses would catch up to me.

I sound morbid, but I accepted death. I can’t cheat death. When it is time for me to go, just put me in a carton box and press the button. Let me return to ashes. No need for a fancy coffin. No need for any services. No need for visitation. No need to shed a tear for me. Just let me go.

For now, I need to make peace with myself. I need to stop worrying and start living. I don’t have control of anything else, but my own mind. People who hate me, let them hate me. Nothing I can do about it. When my oldest sister decided to sever ties with me, I granted her wish. Even when we had to meet at family gatherings, I just looked the other way. Fuck her. I don’t have any obligations left for her.

I do have obligations with my kids. They are still under my supervision. Once they grow enough feathers and wings, I won’t stop them from flying away. Though I am always here for them until I am no longer on this earth.