Notes on How to Live Without Fear & Worry

The following notes were taking from How to Live Without Fear & Worry by K. Sri Dhammananda. The number after each quote refers to the page in from the book.

The separation of togetherness also brings suffering. 8

The danger of refusing to face facts and accept the truths of life, such as old age and death, is that it makes a person suffer even more, not less, in the long run. 32

Life is uncertain, but death is certain. 35

If we look closely at life, we can see how it is continually changing and moving between contacts. We will notice how it fluctuates between rise and fall, success and failure, gain and loss, honour and contempt, praise and blame. We see more clearly how our hearts would respond to happiness and sorrow, delight and despair, satisfaction and disappointment, hope and fear. 36

The destructive mental forces and emotions must be checked and reduced to a manageable level. In this context, relaxation is a necessity, not a luxury. We should reduce or curtail all unnecessary activities, rise early to have more time to dress and talk to the family, and make a habit of spending some time alone to be engaged in some useful activities like reading, contemplation and for physical and mental relaxation. 58-59

Darkness cannot be dispelled by darkness but by brightness. In the same way hatred cannot be overcome by hatred but by loving kindness. 67

When we come to know the danger of harbouring jealousy, we can then devote our time and energy to the profitable cultivation of wholesome thoughts of kindness and sympathy. We should think that there is nothing for us to lose when others make progress. We should cultivate modesty, eradicate self-centered craving, and develop sympathetic joy at the happiness of others. A person who is imbued with such good thoughts is a blessing to himself and the world at large. The practice of sympathetic feeling for the sufferings of others should be encouraged while at the same time eradicating thoughts of selfishness. A happy and contented life is only attained when one overcomes selfishness and develops goodwill, understanding and benevolence. 79

If a child lives with tolerance
he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement
he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise
he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness
he learns justice.
If a child lives with security
he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval
he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship
he learns to find love in the world. 113

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
‘They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they
belong not to you.
You may give them your love
but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to
make them like you.’ 115

Death in itself is not that terrible; what is terrible is the fear of death that prevails in the mind. 118

Our life-span is controlled by our biological clocks which are continuously ticking away. When they run out, sooner or later, there is little we can do to gain extra time. Once our time is up, we must be prepared to go through the natural process of death. 118

Death is an inevitable process of this world. It is not often that we are brave enough to come face to face with the thought of our own mortality. Yet, man is not free in life unless he is also free from the fear of death. 119

It is hard to bear the loss of people whom we love because of our attachment to them. 119

The love of life can sometimes develop a morbid fear of death. We will not take any risks even for a rightful cause. We live in fear that an illness or accident will put an end to our seemingly precious permanent worldly life. Realising that death is a certainty, we hope and pray for the survival of the soul in heaven for our own security and preservation. Such beliefs are based on strong craving for continued existence. 120

We cannot pick and choose the kind of illness we desire, nor can we choose the suitable or auspicious time to die. But we can certainly choose to face illness and death without fear. 120

People are frightened of dead bodies, but in the true sense the living are in fact far more dangerous than dead bodies. Dead bodies do not harm us, but the living are capable of doing enormous harm and could even resort to murder. 120

Instead of worrying unnecessarily about the future, do what can be done now in making fuller use of your potential. Remember, the present is the child of the past, and the parent of the future. 129

Happiness is in the journey, not in the destination. 134

We should learn to be contented and happy with what little we have which has been bestowed on us. We should even be happy and contented with our present state of being even though we are not fortunate enough to be blessed with the least of our humble expectations 135-136

There is no meaning in trying to enjoy one’s happiness by causing suffering to another person or other living beings. 138

Happiness comes from within, based on the foundation of simple goodness and clear conscience. 140

True happiness can only arise from the full freedom of the mind. The source of happiness is not physical: it must be found in a mind free from mental disturbances. 150

Be aware of the dangers and pitfalls of the destructive forces of greed, hatred and delusion. Learn to cultivate and sustain the benevolent forces of kindness, love and harmony. 150

The mind is the ultimate source of all happiness and misery. For there to be happiness in the world, the mind of the individual must first be at peace and happy. 151

From the lessons of life, it is clear that real victory is never gained by strife. Success is never achieved by conflict. Happiness is never experienced through ill-feeling. Peace is never achieved by accumulating more wealth or gaining worldly power. Peace is gained by letting go of our selfishness and helping the world with acts of love. Peace in the heart conquers all opposing forces. It also helps us maintain a healthy mind and live a rich and fulfilling life of happiness and contentment. 151

If love is the blood of life, then surely morality is its backbone. Without virtue life is in danger, but without love life is dead. The quality of life is enhanced with the cultivation of virtue, and when virtue arises the vessel of love overflows. 152

The cultivation of morality is a very important aspect of life. 152

What is morality? It is the standards and principles of good behaviour in accordance with the path of righteousness. 153

There is a saying in the Malay language: ‘Kesal dahulu, jangan kesal kemudian.’ It means ‘Regret beforehand, don’t regret afterwards.’ 154

We must open up the storehouse of virtue within us to feel for those who are less fortunate than ourselves and try to help them. 178

If everyone in our society can learn to be benevolent and grateful, or be ready to reciprocate, even in a small way, the kindness shown to each person, then human society will become more peaceful and pleasant to live with. Human relationship, like the law of action and reaction, is a two-way traffic. When love and mutual respect is practised in private as well as in public life, clashes or misunderstandings that upset goodwill and good relationships will be eliminated. 178

Today, people are trying to dominate each other. People often strive hard for money, power and position so that they will have control over others. It will be to one’s benefit if we could only realise that it is more important to first conquer oneself. 180

Everyone should make every effort to conquer one’s anger, jealousy, pride, greed and other shortcomings. Courage, determination and perseverance are needed to control and overcome these destructive forces. 180

Angry words can be followed by blows. A person in control of the situation will not be easily provoked into a fight or to act unwisely. Always remember that your battle is lost, the moment you lose your balance. 188

When we speak slowly, we are in control of our emotions. When we are provoked or our emotions are aroused, we must be mindful so as not to allow ourselves to be carried away by such emotions and act foolishly and blindly. We must not be dictated to by our anger or resentment, to commit unwholesome acts as a result of that provocation. We must be in absolute control of the situation and not allow the situation [to] take control over us. This is the hallmark of a person in control of himself. Silent sense is better
than fluent folly. 191

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. 192

It is important to regard our tongue as the servant. We are the master; the tongue will do our bidding. The tongue will have to say what we want to say and not what it wants us to say. Unfortunately, for most of us, it is our tongue that is the master and we are its slave. We have to listen to what it speaks in our name and we seem unable to stop its wagging. The result of such lack of control is always disastrous. 193

There is an art of speaking, and that is, to speak gently and politely, not harshly or rudely. We must learn to speak at the right time and at the right place on any subject if we wish to avoid conflict or criticism. 194

Tell the truth, nothing but [the] truth. But be wise, if the truth that you are going to tell is unpleasant. 194

The pursuit of happiness is not difficult if we have the right mental attitude. Love is the key to happiness. All human beings have the potential to give and receive love. We are potentially storehouses of love. 197

Love is a priceless gift to bestow on to another. 197

Love elevates humanity. 198

Kindness is a virtue that the blind can see and the deaf can hear. 199

There is no shame or humiliation if you are cheated, but it is a shame if you do so to others. Never harbour thoughts of revenge against those who have wronged you. 200

Gratitude is a rare virtue today. For our own happiness, we should not expect to be appreciated for every act we do. If we expect that, we are bound to face disappointments and frustrations. If honours or recognition come our way, so be it: if not, never mind. 200

In our daily life, there is much that we have to endure. We have to bear all kinds of pain, both physically and mentally. We have to face worries, frustrations, depressions, and all types of imaginary fears. It is use ful to know how to put up with this pain because many physical disorders are brought about by wrong habits of thought, unhealthy mental attitudes and unnecessary anxieties. Under such circumstances, it will be useful to practise patience. 203

Once a young man had fallen deeply in love with a girl from another town. He wrote long letters to her daily expressing his love for her. After sending no less than a few hundred letters, he discovered to his horror that she had fallen in love and married the postman who had delivered the letters. 210

In a marriage, both the husband and wife must think more of the partnership than they do of themselves. This partnership is an interweaving of interests, and sacrifices will have to be made for the sake of both parties. It is from mutual understanding and concern that security and contentment in marriage can be established. 216

There are no short-cuts to happiness in marriage. No two human beings can possibly live together in an intimate emotional relationship for a long period of time without having some misunderstanding or friction from time to time. Understanding and tolerance are required to overcome the feelings of jealousy, anger and suspicion. To think that one does not need to adopt a give-and-take attitude is to presume that love in marriage is just for the asking without any sacrifice on our part. 217

Success in marriage is based on compatibility rather than just only finding the right partner. Both partners must try to be the right person by acting out of mutual respect, love and concern for each other. Love is an inner feeling and a fulfilment arising from the mutual healthy growth with and for the other person. In a successful marriage, a partner must not always try to get things his or her own way. 217

A happy marriage is not one in which we are to exist with eyes closed. We see faults as well as virtues, and we should accept the fact that no one is perfect. A husband and wife must learn to share the happiness and pain in their daily lives. Mutual understanding is the secret formula of a happy marriage. Marriage is a blessing, but unfortunately, many people treat it otherwise due to a lack of correct communication and understanding. 217-218

Most of the marital troubles and worries which normally arise are due to an unwillingness of one partner to compromise and to practise patience with the other. The golden rule to avoid a minor misunderstanding being blown out of proportion is to practise patience, tolerance and understanding. Human beings are emotional and hence are liable to get into tantrums which lead them to be angry. Husbands and wives should do their utmost for both not to be angry at the same time. This is the golden rule for a happy married life. If both parties are not angry at the same time, problems can easily be resolved by adopting the noble spirit of patience, tolerance and understanding. 218

Sex should be given its due place in a happy marriage. Like fire, sex is a good servant but can be a bad master. It should neither be unhealthily repressed nor morbidly exaggerated. The desire for sex, like any other emotion, must be regulated by reason. Although it is an important element in the happiness of most married couples, it is necessary to realise that one can be happy without giving sex a paramount role. On the other hand, one can have a good sex life and still be unhappy. Real love is not just physical: it is a spiritual communion, a meeting of minds. 219

Sex is much more than the physical gratification of desires. It is the basis for an intimate life-long companionship. Down through the ages, love and mutual respect have been shown to be the basis for close intimacy between the sexes. Dr. Helen Kaplan of Cornell Medical Center says that without intimacy there can be no real love. Her definition of intimacy is the sharing of feelings, not information. Couples who are not intimate will tend to talk of frivolous subjects like the weather, the latest TV shows or what to eat for dinner. They never make it a point to let each other know if they are really happy, unhappy, frightened, worried or any other such intimate feelings. They are also not interested to know how their partner really feels. 219

The married couple should make every effort to cultivate the timeless virtues of chastity, fidelity and decency. Real growth only comes through the development of these virtues. None can repeal the cosmic moral law of cause and effect, of the lasting unity of all human beings. The hope of personal growth and harmony in society lies in the recognition of this basic law, rather than surrendering oneself to base and coarse animal instincts which only bring suffering to those whom we dearly love. Self respect, human dignity or humane qualities are eroding in modern society. 220

The world is so caught up with accumulating wealth that the honourable virtues of morality, honesty, and integrity seem to have lost their influence and meaning on humanity. 230

Every person is responsible for making a better world by planting the seeds of patience, love and honesty deeply in the human heart. 241